One Born Every Minute

[FiveGoMadInDorset]

Channel 4 tonight, featuring a lovely young couple from our village.

Oh my goodness - I am only just watching last week's programme. THAT MAN! I would have strangled him.

You're all lovely and I'm sorry you've all had similar experiences.

maxybrown, I don't feel like I gave her life. I incubated her for a while. Then there was a labour, most of which I don't remember and an operation I've blanked out. They handed me a clothed, clean baby. I didn't know the moment she was born, many hands touched her before she felt mine, she heard voices that weren't mine, was cuddled close by somebody that wasn't me. I try every day to make things right and I do a good job I think of raising a sunny, gregarious and spirited little girl but I can't undo that day, I can't tell her of the day she was born, how she looked or felt because I either can't remember or those memories were given to somebody else. And it's selfish because she is well and I'm well and what's the problem but that thing that defines us as mothers, that moment when she came into being, I was on a cold operating table, confused and frightened and when she cried I knew it was somebody else telling her it would all be okay. I wonder if she believes me now when I say that to her.

I think I need counselling but I can't go through with it. I'm cripplingly shy, I can't talk to the woman at the post office counter without blushing. And what would it achieve really? They can't undo it. They can't tell me it's okay, because they can't turn back the clock and make it right.

And I shouldn't be on this thread. Ignore me. I shouldn't have brought it up, this programme just touched a nerve.

can I ask a question? If the baby is back to back is that a back labour? Cause DS was b2b and it hurt

I think the problem is quite often first-time mums have no experience of birth other than movies, and think they should be screaming as soon as their membranes rupture. They get panicky, go into hospital early, get frightened because their in hospital, stop contracting, push too soon etc. I know I did!

Obviously, quite often something is awry, but MWs are used to primigravidas having long, painful labours, so think those having real problems are "making a fuss". I'm not dissing overworked MWs, or frightened ladies btw, I'm saying that as someone who took 5 years to get over her hideous first birth.

I think maybe we're so far removed from our own bodies we as a culture have forgotten how to have babies.

Can I ask a question too?

the induction Joy had - was that a pessary? cos I don't remember mine hurting quite that much.... (mine was like a tube of cannesten they shoved inside...)

I think that's quite a patronising attitude towards first time mums though, which does those of us who weren't like that a real disservice.

I think the problem is those airy fairy parentcraft classes that kind of imply that as long as you control your breathing you'll be able to cope. Bullsh*t. They deliver those crap classes, and then refuse to take us seriously because we're not prepared for the pain. Well some of us are prepared, actually, but if we're not it's because you MW's delivering the "active labour class" didn't prepare us!

I don't think I will find it any easier, or be any better at coping, as a second timer. But I will certainly be better at telling them how I'm feeling and what I need.

Aw, SoH you say "I can't tell her of the day she was born",but you can, because you're both alive!

I have a tiny inkling of what you feel, and I only had a ventouse with DC1. No one understood the need I had to feel crowning!

A councillor is a professional talky-to person, so will be quite used to the terminally shy. Does the hospital you delivered at have a birth afterthoughts programme?

oh god.....please please please try and speak to someone.......anyone. You are right though, no one can turn back time, no one can give you back that day, but helping to come to terms with it a little more.....maybe?

You did give her life, she is here she is proof, you are her mummmy, she loves you. Anserwing to "normal" expectations of giving birth does not make you a good mum or perfection. You have all the days to come and all the days you have had so far to show that. I don't care what you say, I will not take another answer lol. You DID!!! (I am meaning this in the nicest possible way btw)

I wish I could help you Though getting past being painfully shy too must be hard, though I am not trying to sound negative.

Do not say you shouldn't be here either, you came for a reason and if this is your only let out then so be it. Of course you should have brought it up, it touched a nerve, it got you talking, that is good. Don't go away.

And personally I went into hospital when I really felt I needed stronger pain relief than I had at home. I might as well not have bothered, but I'd do the same again. In fact I'm going earlier this time because I have a half hour journey down country roads and I am not doing that while I'm having agonising contractions. They can try and send me home if they like, but they'll whistle for it.

cranky, you're probably right about being out of touch with our bodies.

FWIW, I was at home, in water with only gas and air. I only got out of the pool when it was clear things weren't right and was transferred to hospital. I'd pushed for many hours before the transfer. I was in water, upright, moving etc until it became clear that I needed to lie down and let somebody else take over. I genuinely, hand on heart, thought I was dying.

I was very in tune with my body. Not now, I don't trust it at all.

Sam reminded me of me with my first, went into the hospital when waters broke got told cervix was closed and to go home, started having very painful contractions, went back in was told I was 1cm and it would be hours yet. Was told I couldn't go to the ward as I was making too much noise but could lie on the bed until morning with the gas and air. I remember doing all the screaming and the "I cannot do this" and apologising to DP and anyone who came near.

MW went on her night-time lunch equivalent and was called back as I was 10cms and pushing. She did apologise afterwards and said it was no wonder I was screaming dilating that fast.

I so felt for Sam not all of us are these wonderful copers with pain that go into ourselves and find our zone. I am rubbish with pain I have screamed all my babies out, have had 3 with just G&A due to speed but it bloody hurts.

I see your point Gaelicsheep, and lots of people do manage beautifully, but so many ladies haven't a clue what to expect,or realise how long a first labour can be. How many of us witness a birth before we deliver?

That's just my theory as to why some MWs, like SoH's don't take her pain seriously.

I don't mean to be patronising!

"There but for the grace of God go I" are the words that spring to mind. I think I finally managed to (kind of) get over my experience because I did it in the end. It could so easily have gone the other way. If my contractions hadn't suddenly sprung back into life I'd have been heading for a C-section - DS was starting to get in distress and his head had been visible for 3 full hours. I think if my delivery had ended differently I would be experiencing very similar feelings to you, SOH.

I think you may find writing about your experiences on here very cathartic, but there is also the Birth Trauma Association BTA website if you haven't come across them already.

"There but for the grace of God go I" are the words that spring to mind. I think I finally managed to (kind of) get over my experience because I did it in the end. It could so easily have gone the other way. If my contractions hadn't suddenly sprung back into life I'd have been heading for a C-section - DS was starting to get in distress and his head had been visible for 3 full hours. I think if my delivery had ended differently I would be experiencing very similar feelings to you, SOH.

I think you may find writing about your experiences on here very cathartic, but there is also the Birth Trauma Association BTA website if you haven't come across them already.

SOH

Your DD will have heard your voice all the time you were carrying her. I can't believe that that was invalidated by hearing other voices at the time of birth, especially when you've been there for her ever since.

I'm sorry this has affected you so badly. It does sound like counselling would help and that you need to talk about it in a safe environment.

I didn't mean you personally were being patronising Cranky. But MWs should understand all these issues and they certainly should realise that no two births are the same, and neither are any two women. They are the ones with the patronising attitude IMO.

I didn't manage beautifully btw, I just went into my shell and locked it all inside.

I did start screaming at one point though because I was so terrified. That was in the bath, when it was too early for G&A and too early for the pool. Turns out I was 6 cm already - they were pretty shocked that I was suddenly so far along and then they took me seriously.

SoH I thought I was dying too!

I think if I had had really in-depth AN classes, I would have been a bit more in control, but it could still have gone horribly wrong.

I didn't trust my body all through labour with DC2,until he was there on the bed and I just gasped "I did it!" for about 10 minutes afterwards! It was the biggest deal for me.

I was at the family planning place in December and sobbed all over a doctor there who said she'd refer me to a counsellor who specialises in birth trauma. I haven't heard from her. Maybe I should ring. I sort of think it's too late. And how would talking about it help? I feel like a failure because I couldn't give birth. I don't know who could change that or how. And I can't give dh another baby which he desperately wants or dd a sibling. It's done. I think I need to find a way of just forgetting it. Shutting up about it might be a start.

Well, if it's rubbish for you, you can stop can't you? At least you gave it a bash, and you might feel a little better?

Though i am good at dealing with things very inwardly so am a fine one to talk.

For what it's worth, I had easy no problems preganancy and labour and a healthy little lad into the bargain.....but i couldn't do it again. For me, it was all so perfect it would be like (for want of a better word) tempting fate. No way could i do it again!! So in a funny sort of way, I almost understand

SOH - do chase it up - burying emtions just makes them fester

FWIW I just felt sorry for Sam as she and Ed had no clue how to cope - she should have, been active and been shown how to use G&A properly and Ed's attempts at massage were feeble. Not supported or supervised by any professional and no wonder she struggled. Poor kid

SoH, I think different personality types deal with things in different ways. I had what sounds like a very similar experience to yours - I had a 42 hour labour, with 4 hours of pushing before an emCS. My daughter had her ear presenting. You are the first other person I have come across who had the same thing. My daughter was well and truly jammed after the length of time I had been in labour - I had no pain relief except g&a plus meditation, and a TENS machine for a little while. I am proud of my labour - friends and my sister have said they were all demanding epidurals after just a few hours. Since reading your first post tonight I have looked up asynclitic, as I had not heard the term before, but it was was my daughter was too. The Spinning Babies website says that these labours are often far more painful with much stronger contractions, and last for much longer than normal labours. They frequently end in caesarean.

I am angry to this day about the things that went wrong with my daughters birth. Many mistakes were made by the hospital, and many things could have been different. Among many indignities 2 things stand out in my mind - my spinal block wearing off and wondering when they were going to stitch me up (they had had to call a more experienced surgeon from home, hence my being left open on the table with the spinal getting weaker,) and the nurses later using a cable tie to attach my catheter tube to the bed so I did not get up to visit my daughter in SCBU. I believe that no matter how difficult a birth is, this kind of thing should not happen.

However, I have managed to focus on my pride in my long and intervention-free labour up to that point, the fact that once she was born (and against the odds, since she was in SCBU and I was in HDU and kept apart for 3 days) I managed to breastfeed her till she was 10 months old, the fact that she is beautiful and clever and strong. These are all things that are down to ME. I am pregnant again, and am much more cautious this time, but also much more optimistic too.

Please go and see someone. It IS possible to feel better about this. And don't shut up about it. Obviously pick your moments (I have a very nice job where I get to stay away overnight and have a drink and a natter with colleagues, and often find someone who wants to know,) and then tell people just how hard it was and how WELL you did! You are not a failure - once you would have been dead, but you and your child are alive and well and you managed all of that.

Wow! I have never met anybody who had an asynclitic baby with ear presentation. DD was also occipito transverse, she'd just taken every wrong turn going. I understand that she was about as stuck and squashed as they come, head twisted and on one side, body facing the wrong way. Poor girl couldn't move her head after birth, needed osteopathy to fix her, was black and blue and had a bad tear by her ear where they'd tried to pull her out. I always wonder why she was so stuck. I wonder if my waters breaking before labour started just crashed her the wrong way into my pelvis. She wasn't guided down by the waters I suppose.

I cannot believe they effectively tied you to the bed. That's disgusting. The staff that delivered dd were largely okay, the postnatal care? Horrendous. My catheter bag was full to bursting and they ignored my buzzer and I had to drag the thing up the ward crying to the nurses' station. They removed it there and then on a hard plastic chair in front of everybody, tutting that I'd dripped blood on their clean floor. I asked repeatedly for help bfing- dd had a sore head and couldn't latch- they said I'd have to bottle feed. The lady who changed the beds had to help me bfeed. I was discharged after 12hrs, no bfing help from staff, severely anaemic and exhausted. It did not help with my state of mind I'm sure.

BUT I exclusively bfed for 7 months and still bfeed at 2.9yrs. DD is strong, healthy, funny, outgoing, bright, wonderful and the greatest thing to ever crash into my life. I work hard every day to show her I deserve her.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You're a better person than me.

SOH and everyone else with a traumatic birth: I do very much hope that the pain of it all gets easier over the years (as it has for me). Poor youze xx.