Addicted to surrogacy, Channel 4

[Meglet]

Anyone else watching?

DebInAustria I think you're right.

The real problem that I have is that I have 2 ds's and we're not sure whether or not we might have a 3rd dc.

If, and it is a ige if, I was prepared to be a surrogate for her, then there would be no way that I could do it until I knew that my own family was complete. That may seem selfish but I think it would be the only way that I could hand the child over. Also knowing that she lives 5 hours drive away so I wouldn't see them too often! It would always make family get togethers a bit strange though I think.

Blimey, I'm going to have to ask her. I've not tought about it like this before.......

Iwish - a friend of mine was ttc for a long time and her sister offered to donate her eggs, and she now has 2 children, would that be an option for you?

Yes, but I know nothing about it.

I don't even know exactly why she's struggling tc - she's having clomid so I'm guessing it's an ovulation problem in which case I assume egg donation would be a possibility.

I feel an emotional phone call coming on at some point.....

Amanda is very happy with how the show turned out and is infact getting on better now with Olga now that she is no longer pregnant for them.I think it was just the stresses and strains of the pregnancy and the culture differences that came between them.

I do feel that first goodbye could have been handled alot more sensitively though.

Also Jill hasn't had babies of her own because she has never wanted any.

surrofab that's good to hear. English people do often have a problem with the direct way in which some other nationalities express themselves, I know I do.

Lol,AHM...so do i.
xx

i know this sounds rude, but i would hope neither of my daughters does this with her own eggs.

it's not PC to admit such, but that's how i think.

if they feel differently, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I am shocked so many of you think the programme had a negative slant. I think it was very honest, and positive.

Of course it is emotional. I cried watching it, even my husband had a tear in his eye and we have been through it. But seeing Janey hold her babies for the first time is why I do this.

I don't think Olga was cold at all, except for her final comment about the children not waking the baby. You have to appreciate what a difficult position it is for IPs (Intended Parents) to be in. It's amost inevitable that they will get it wrong.

I have the utmost respect for what you do Geepers. Like you say - when Janey and her husband held those babies it was magical, especially after trying for 25 years - I can't imagine that heartache.

I realize this is not the politically correct thing to say, but having watched the programme, and having thought about it, I think it?s wrong.

I think it?s one thing to be a host surrogate and to essentially carry someone else?s embrio, you are just using your body as a vescle then really. But to inceminate yourself with someone else?s sperm and carry your own biological children so you can give them away is just wrong IMO.

Yes it may be selfless in terms of that you are thinking of someone else and not yourself when giving away your children, but who is thinking of the children? Both the children you give away and the ones that have to stand by and watch you do it? How are the children of the surrogate parent supposed to feel when they watch their mummy give their brother/sister away to someone else? And when they know they have siblings out there that must affect them surely, even if it doesn?t affect them as a child it must surely do so as an adult.

And what of the children that are given way? How must it affect them growing up, knowing that their mummy kept some of their biological siblings but chose to give them to other parents. However altruistic that decision may appear to be, the rejection must be the same as it is for a child who is given up for adoption.

It just seems like trading babies as commodities.

And if it is so selfless then why aren?t these women doing it for free? Why are they being paid 10 grand and up for doing it? ?expenses? it?s called but let?s be honest it doesn?t cost 10 grand to be pregnant. It?s only called expenses because selling babies is illegal, but that?s essentially what this is.

If you gave birth to a baby and then sold it you would be judged harshly by everyone, including the authorities I have no doubt. And yet selling children before they are born is considered selfless.

Dh and I watched this too.

God, it was heart breaking. So many voids being filled by babies.

The only person who came out of it well was the American surrogate with the twins. I know that is probably down to editing though.

I guess as someone who was never deperate for kids, though I did/do want them!, I find it impossible to comprehend such desire for a child. I am glad that there are people who are willing to do this for those who are, but it is so immensely complicated.

I think it is an amzing thing to do and did consider it myself when I was told that although I could concieve easily I would put too much strain on my heart to go through another pregnancy.My dp couldn't understand it though and we didn't pursue and have been happy with 1. Do the families keep contact?

Yes the families keep in contact,they do if they are invovled with cots anyway.Its part of their ethos that every child know where he/she comes from.
All surrogates are encouraged to write letters with photos and pictures to be given to the children for when they are old enough to read or be read to so they can understand their background and how they came to be.

Because all the IPs,surrogates and children remain in contact and have regular get togethers throughout the year,i can tell you honestly that the children resulting from this kind of arrangement are not mentally scarred in any way.
If a child is concieved with the surrogates own eggs that child will never feel neglected or abandoned because the fact is it was concieved because 2people wanted him/her so so desperately!As with a 'normal' pregnancy.
The majority of surrogates feel why should they waste their monthly eggs and flush them down the loo,when they could be used to benefit other women.Most surrogates feel they have finished their own families,so why not?!
As for the surrogates own children honesty is always used and they are explained the situation in ways that suit their ages.

The expenses are justifiable,not that they need to be,10k is a very general figure that cots use,but it is different from surro to surro.If a surro works she will need to be covered for time off,her hubbys time off,childcare for appointments(these are a huge wedge of the expenses),maternity wear,sanitary wear,change in diet,wear and tear on the body,etc,etc the list really does go on.There are many things you take for granted and just get on with when it is your own baby.Also cots insist that with in that money IPs cover the cost of a holiday for the surro and her family after the birth so she has time to recoup and spend some much needed alone,recovery time with her family.

My children were 2 and 4 the first time i did this i told them xxxxxx's tummy is broken and she can not grow babies so mommy is going to grow her baby for her.When the baby is born she will go and live with her real mommy xxxxxx.Children are very resilient and understanding,much more so it does seem than adults.

wannaBe, the children born through surrogacy will know from day 1 how special and wanted they are. My own children know I do this because I love being a mummy so much and want to make someone else as happy as having children makes me feel.

They don't see the babies as their siblings and they are never referred to as such. When they are old enough to understand the biological connection I will explain it to them, but there is more to family, and love, and connections than genetics.

I believe that by always being honest with children from the beginning then they aren't going to grow up having issues about it. The children I have for childless couples will always know who I am and what part I played in their coming into this world.

I also want to point out that I don't give the babies away. I give them back to the people they belong to. I just look after them for a while, then they go home to their mum and dad.

geepers you are so right.Family is not all about blood-literally1When i needed a transplant my biological father refused to donate a few pints for use after the surgery.my step father on the other hand would have donated anything if he could have.Luckily I didn't need it.

I found the people on this programme weird. Not all of them but definitely the Russian woman. What a bitch!! No way would I give a child to her. The cat mad woman, agree about the hygiene issues of doing the pregnancy test in the kitchen and tipping the wee down the sink! Gross!! In fact, her and Amanda could do with concentrating on housework more.... The American woman, Tammy something was it? She seemed okay. It's funny how none of them, the recipients of the children and the surrogates got on or really seemed to like each other.

MummyPenguin, I am sure Amanda would be pleased to know that your main critisism of her is her untidy house

Olga wasn't a bitch, she was probably just slightly more forthright with what she said than some of us would be. When you haven't had children, it's not always easy to know how to treat them or what to say to them. And how many of us have wanted to tell people 'Don't wake the baby!' or 'Don't kiss my baby!' only because we are British we are too polite too?

Do you think Amanda should have kept the baby?

Surrofab and Geepers, I just want to say that I admire you so very, very much for what you have done. I really feel its the most perfect gift you can give a childless couple. What you do is amazing.

Similarly I feel that any woman that willingly donates her eggs (for altruistic purposes)is an absolute hero. I really think its wonderful that such woman are capable of such selfless generosity.

The reason I feel this way is because dh and I went through complete hell in order to have our gorgeous daughters. We had numerous failed fertility treatments, operations and failed IVF cycles and it was completely soul destroying. Until you have been in this situation I don't really think that you can begin to understand the devastating, desperate, lonely, obsessive, emptiness that infertility and childnesses can bring. We looked into using donated eggs and, if required, surrogacy but thank God I fell pregnant naturally and was lucky enough to have gorgeous, beautiful identical twin girls.

We are extremely fortunate but for the thousands of infertile childless couples that will NEVER have a child without using donated eggs or surrogacy I applaud you. What you do is simply awe inspiring.

x

I still think its a really amazing thing to do. As well as the women and men that donate their eggs and sperm. I can't imagine how heart breaking it must be not be able to carry your own children. Well done ladies. You must make lots of families complete.

WannabeI also think that surrogate children are probably some of the most loved. They weren't given away because they weren't wanted, but because they were desperately wanted.

Wow opinions - identical twin girls conceived naturally after all that you went through - how amazing is that? Do you still pinch yourself?

Mummypenguin,from what i could see there was nothing untidy about Jills house and yes i noticed Amandas house was full to the brim with toys and looked quite cluttered at the end...but do you know why??..because she was heavily pregnant on her own with three kids then gave birth and had a new born and two grown ups to share her house with.It must have been exhausting for all of them.
Im sure in that situation hosework would be the very last thing on my mind!

Its strange how you seem to think Tammy-Lynn was the 'better' surrogate when she was the one who wanted the least contact/relationship with her couple.
x

Ok, I know this is off topic but listen up all you 'Wee wee! In the kitchen !' brigade.

URINE IS STERILE.

Fuck's sake.

I was absolutely shocked by the dreadful behaviour of the paying parents of both Edward and the twins.

Surrogate mothers make the dreams of childless couples come true, and in return they can seemingly expect to be patronised and treated with no sensitivity whatsoever.

I think the paying parents seemed to believe and act as though they had paid a fair price in a business transaction. In my opinion, if this was in fact a business transaction then £10k was insultingly cheap and at least £100k wouold have beem more appropriate.

In contrast I thought the surrogate mothers,and particularly Amanda, came off as generous and loving people.

Again, women can be paid for their services as surrogates in the US, and not just for medical expenses. $50,000 is not an unreasonable sum.

Egg donors are also paid for their services there beyond expenses. Some white women at Ivy League universities can realise sums between $10,000 - $25,000 for their eggs and campus papers even at state universities often carry advertisements by clinics for women to donate eggs. Back when I was there in the early 90s, the going rate for a successful harvest was about $3,000-$5,000.

Yep you are right expat...selling gametes is a real business in the US,as is selling the use of their bodies.It can be ruthless and shameless.