Sat and cried and cried watching this last night, been a carer to my mum and sister since age 5, she sums it all up in a way I never could.
Exhaustion, loneliness, anger, terror, isolation and crippling guilt; never resting, never feeling safe or relaxed, never daring to hope that things could get better because they invariably don’t . I lie awake at night terrified of the future, night after night . Angry and wanting to scream at family and say; don’t you want to get better for me, can’t you try harder? And then guilt because it’s not their fault . So desperately hugely missing my mum and wanting her to tell me it’ll be OK or advising me or something and remembering she can’t because she’s too ill .
Endless hours of meetings and appointments and always fighting and pleading for help that always comes too little and too late .
Your house being absolute chaos and hoarding and buying shit because something somewhere makes you think you’ll feel better with a parcel .
Or worse, alcohol, eating issues or heavy reliance on medications .
By the time social work listened to me I’d had two serious nervous breakdowns and a diagnosis of CPTSD .
I don’t have many friends, I don’t do anything for myself really because when I do I feel guilty for doing it . I’m meant to be studying full time but how do you balance it all? Social work said they’d get mum care but said that would be a nursing home and how can I chuck 57 year old mum in a home?
Family try to help - now - but all that’s gone before can’t be mended, you can’t undo 30 years of trauma .