Kate Garraway…..Caring for Derek

[GorgonzolaSouffle]

She’s so brave making this documentary.

Shocking

How about a documentary on 'ordinary carers' to see how they cope especially child carers. ? No one gives a toss about them quietly getting on with it. People identify with Kate Garraway because they see her as someone familiar to them. They see her on television, they know her, no not personally, but they know who she is, and therefore can identify with her iyswim. It would be similar to having a friend or family member going through it. You would be interested in their situation because you know them.

If they did a documentary on Fred Bloggs down the road and their personal battle with the care system it wouldn’t get the viewing, and it wouldn’t get the discussion. It’s not palatable but that’s the way it is.

That doesn’t mean that only celebrities matter, but in truth a celebrity can highlight the issues better than a random et can, simply because people are interested in that person’s life to begin with.

If you did a documentary on the average person’s battle with the care system it would likely be a panorama type documentary lasting for about half an hour and maybe featuring 3 different families who would maybe get about 5 minutes of the programme. it’s not nearly the same as being able to do a 1 hour documentary on one individual family and the months of struggle they’ve had to go through.

@Montydoo

Cried watching this, Derek is just as inspirational as Kate, the strength to want to become stronger and more independent is to emotional to watch - just hope is makes progress. How wonderful are Bill and Darcy.!!!

Well tbh he is like the many many people with chronic illnesses who battle through every day. People with long covid (NOT what he has experienced but a very mild bout of covid that rendered them incapable of getting out of bed or made them suicidal etc…), people with MS, ALS, RA etc etc

I don’t know anyone who has a chronic illness and don’t want to get stronger etc… that’s how people are a the beginning if their journey. And then they need to learn to live with what they have.

@alltheapples

The NHS discharge you because what you need is social care. Social care in this country is in dire straits. But few really care - except about inheritance tax.

Care in the Community is a farce. The government absolved themselves of responsibility and everyone said ‘ok’

@NutellaEllaElla

What happens to adults without spouses?

IME and IMO, they will try and and palm them off onto someone.

When my 2 DD were very young, I worked 3 days a week, and we had a 2 bed house. I visited a great aunt in hospital (she was a great aunt by marriage, my grandad's brother's wife who was married to him, for 9 years before his death.) She was in hospital for 4-5 weeks after bowel surgery. I went 4 times in about 5 weeks. A 60 mile round trip.

I didn't know her massively, but had met her a dozen times or so since she married my great uncle. I visited her as my great uncle had died a few years before, and they'd had no children, and she had no family except 2 nephews who she rarely saw, and who lived 50 and 80 miles away.

On my 4th visit, the Sister on the ward she was on, took me aside and said 'your aunt is due to be discharged soon, we need to talk about her post hospital care package' Long story short, she assumed because I visited 4 times, (and was her ONLY visitor except one male ex colleague who visited twice,) that I would take her home with me and look after her and be her carer. (OR move in with HER and be her carer!)

I didn't know her that well, she had only been married to my grandad's brother for 9 years before he died (they met in their 50s,) and I had 2 children under 7, a job, and a small 2 bed house.

I said I absolutely can NOT take her home and be her carer. The Sister said 'well she needs SOMEone to look after her, she can't be on her own.' I said 'well I'm sorry, but I can't do it. I simply can't. I have a job in my town 30 miles away, and 2 small children. She has 2 nephews in their 30s, her deceased brother's children. Ask them!' The Sister turned her back on me, and walked off.

I went home with my kids, and rang my aunt's house a couple of weeks later, in case she was home (no mobiles then,) and she answered the phone, and said she had a 'home-help' now, and wanted nothing more to do with me as I had abandoned her.

I said 'what about David and Peter, your nephews!' She said 'you can't expect MEN to look after older family members for goodness sake. It's the job of the women in the family. Anyway, as I said, I'm done with you now. You let me down.' Then she put the phone down on me!

I was gobsmacked. I was the ONLY one to visit her in hospital, no-one in the extended family bothered, and her 2 nephews didn't either, and yet I was a pariah, for not letting her move in with me!

So yeah tl;dr, the NHS will try and palm single adults who need care onto any relative who is soft enough to take them. And it will very likely be a younger WOMAN they will target...

[quote lollipoprainbow]@OnlyFoolsnMothers well they should be, so only celebrities matter?? [/quote]
No but a public figure is the more compelling to bring light to an issue as people already feel like they know them. Why not them?!

[quote alltheapples]@NutellaEllaElla you wouldnt have to spend everything before you get help. You are still entitled to have somewhere to live. But yes if you have lots of savings or houses you dont live in, a divorce would probably be cheaper.[/quote]
What happens if you still have dependent children ?

That's awful @BearOfEasttown

@NutellaEllaElla

That's awful *@BearOfEasttown*

Family can say no and refuse to do anything then District Nurses, social work, care companies all get involved to try and manage them at home. usually disastrously but not always.

It's just the horrible attitude though isn't it.

I said this because I thought it sounded very cold,suggesting that Derek was not the man she married and she should be able to walk away. Which obviously she could. But if it was Kate that was poorly and Derek the one doing the caring, would mn still have the same view, that Derek didn't sign up to care for his sick wife?

And actually I have been in a very similar situation. I was only 19 and engaged to be married to my first love, he sadly got cancer and became very unwell. After many months the Dr's told him that there was nothing else they could do and it was just a matter of time until he died. He wanted to come home for the rest of his days to be with me. He didn't think of the pressure and pain it would put on me, and I didn't begrudge it either. He then became paralysed from the waist down and could not walk or use the toilet and would regularly soil himself, I had never even changed a child's nappy at that point in my life but I got on with it and cared for him the best I could. I slept in a chair beside him so that I could check that he was still breathing, until finally a lovely district nurse turned up one day with a baby monitor for me, she insisted that I go to bed at night and reassured me that the monitor would keep me in touch with him. He did have family but they only visited, I was in it alone giving him all of his medicines and I was with him to the very end when he took his final breath. We were not actually married but I never once begrudged being with him because I loved him no matter what.
Kate is obviously going to be in this for a lot longer than I was, and if in the long term she decided it was too much then that is her decision and I for one would not think badly of her. But saying that she didn't sign up for that just sounds horrible, like he's not abided by the terms of their marriage or something.

That was @BearOfEasttown

@OnlyFoolsnMothers it does not matter. You still have to spend nearly all your savings or assets first.

Honestly I was asking about divorce because I was thinking what I would want if I was in Derek's shoes.

@NutellaEllaElla

Honestly I was asking about divorce because I was thinking what I would want if I was in Derek's shoes.

You think you'd want your spouse to divorce you when you needed them most?

Selfishly probably not but logically maybe yes.

I just don't think you can expect anyone to take that on. Maybe parents.

Most people don't abandon the people they love because life becomes tough. They just don't. You can't just switch off love and Kate loves Derek even though their life has changed forever. Perhaps over time different choices will be made and that's understandable. But he's only been ill for 2 years. You don't just abandon people or think it would have been better if they'd died. That's not how it works. It's not what love is.

@NutellaEllaElla

That's awful BearOfEasttown

It's just the horrible attitude thought isn't it?

Thank you NuteallaEllaElla

What a dear sweet boy Bill is he’s so delightful.
He’s so affectionate and loving to his dad. Bless them.

This happened to my father (but not as a result from covid, heart problems and a stroke)
We naively expected him to make a full recovery but he deteriorated over 10 years needing full time care at home until he died. It's a very difficult watch.

I'm so glad that Kate is shining a light on the life of a spouse carer and what's it's like to love with such life changing conditions.

@Juno22

Most people don't abandon the people they love because life becomes tough. They just don't. You can't just switch off love and Kate loves Derek even though their life has changed forever. Perhaps over time different choices will be made and that's understandable. But he's only been ill for 2 years. You don't just abandon people or think it would have been better if they'd died. That's not how it works. It's not what love is.

Saying you can’t cope isn’t not loving someone. Yes it’s amazing what people can do when faced with challenges but there’s no shame in deciding you can’t sustain being a parent to young kids, a carer and the sole bread winner

Onlyfools I don't disagree. But so many people saying it's not what you sign up for and it's ok to walk away. From personal experience I know it's not that simple. It's a terrible position to be in.

I just really really hope they haven't fallen for some quackery in Mexico - there seem to be a lot of "miracle cures" peddled out of Mexico judging by the number of seriously ill people who try to fundraise to go there.

I can completely understand why Kate would follow any option possible of course.

Juno OnlyFools

I agree with you both, but we need to have more open and honest conversations without judgement . Euthanasia and advance directives need to be discussed.