Strangers Making Babies

[zafferana]

I can't believe there isn't a thread about this programme!

I watched it last night and found it depressing, extraordinary and just ... odd. The thought of interviewing someone to have a baby with and then having to co-parent with a complete stranger is just horrible IMO! Imagine handing your newborn over to someone you barely know for half the time? Argh! Unimaginable. Donor sperm I can understand, but this? No way.

The candidates too were not at all what I would expect. Venicia struck me as the kind of attractive, bubbly, warm person who would easily find a partner to have a family with if only she would actually make the effort to date, rather than spending all her time looking after other people's DC.

As for the men she was matched with - two guys much older than her and older than the upper age limit of 42 that she was comfortable with - one being 16 years older and already with two kids. It's a shame she and Vik didn't have any chemistry as he was by far the best match otherwise.

And Sarah - being matched with one guy who lives in Manchester when she lives in Reading and other who almost died from a serious heart condition. WTF? I can only think that C4 were short of male candidates for their bizarre programme.

Did anyone else think it was just ... I dunno ... weird and slightly unpleasant?

Oh yeah - and how could I forget that one of the men matched with Venicia is INFERTILE and has already gone through several failed rounds of IVF with a previous partner???? You couldn't make this shit up!

Haven't watched it but saw it advertised and thought it seems very distasteful for a tv show ! Seems fucked up that something so precious and also for some people who struggle (infertility etc like myself ) is made into entertainment

Oh I thought this must be a spoof?

How can the creation of a new life be marketed as 'entertainment'.

How the heck would a child produced in this way ever be able to come to terms with it? It's actually immoral, in my opinion.

Oh I thought this must be a spoof?

If only

C4 are making some truly vile programmes lately.

I don’t know how this even got passed by the ethics committee
It’s vile

Hey OP! I came across this thread and thought I’d weigh in a little. Yes I have spent many years raising other people DC, a job I love so much. At the same time, it made me appreciate my free time, being able to take care of my disabled grandmother without juggling childcare, babysit relatives at the drop of a hat and get my self in a financially stable position. To add to this, having worked with many families who often voiced (whimsically I may add) what their lives would have been like, had they waited to start a family, I knew I wanted to start a family when I was truly over my selfish days. When I say selfish I mean, exotic holidays, backing around the world (I often take 3months to explore on my own before corona of course and between contracts), lie ins!! I do not do early starts ughhh. I have enjoyed and achieved a lot in my life thus far and I know that I’m ready to start my own family. My commitment to my job isn’t all to blame here, it’s the time line of getting to know someone organically and the potential of wasting time if it doesn’t work out after a year or so. I know I want to have a baby... that’s a fact. I’m 36 in April time is not on my side.

Sods law that I’m not in a relationship but there are no guarantees that a relationship would stand the addition of a child in various ways anyway. I will not look back in the future without children and be sad because I didn’t pursue something I truly desire.

Finding a parent who wants to cooparent is such a nerve wracking, leap of faith pursuit. You can’t guarantee that they are as committed as much as you, but if they followed the vetting procedure and checks and once getting to know each other, I can’t see why two professional, financially stable, loving people, with amazing support systems and the means to create a comfortable and happy life for a child, shouldn’t do so. The fact that there is no romance involved takes out the element of bitterness of point scoring you see when ex’s try and coparent. We both want to have a child. I’ll want to be a mother wether the father sticks around or not. I know how I feel and it’s unwavering.

Everyone has an opinion and that’s ok. I however will not be taking opinions on my life decisions from strangers. I’ve discussed this long and hard with my family and my nearest and dearest and that what’s counts to me.

I care not for fame, in fact in my job confidentially is a requirement, but this is my personal life. Presented with this opportunity I would have take part wether it was televised or not. I chose to have some of my most vulnerable moments of my life shared so that any women, in a similar position as me can see it and feel like there are options for them. I have had several friends and colleagues message me asking me so many questions and tips on how to start. So for everyone who has something bad to say, I didn’t do it for you, I did it for them.

As for other questions, about the potential coparents, the next couple of episodes will reveal a lot and will shed some clarity on fertility and questions on how we would share care, if we would live together etc will all be discussed.

This topic ruffles a lot of feathers but I’m glad there are conversations where there wasn’t before.

Thank you to those who have lovely things to say about me! It’s so emotional with watching it back, it took me back to that head space and ache in my heart so it’s really difficult viewing. It’s reality Tv in that it’s our real lives, but in no way will any babies be shown, revealed or exploited. We have been paid nothing to be apart of this and the idea that our dreams could be realised, for me was and is all the fulfilment I needed.

Ok that’s more then I planned to say! Thanks for coming to my TED talk lolz stay safe everyone xxx

Maybe you could consider getting a puppy instead?

I would but I’m not a fan of “wet dog smell”, I find any animal that cleans their own privates with their tongue-super sketchy and way easier to travel on a plane with a baby... but seriously I find pets abit to unhygienic for my tastes. Fair play to everyone who is fulfilled with their “fur babies” but that’s not even a close comparison.

Ah, Venicia, I presume? Lovely to have you on the thread. Kudos to you for going on this show and being so open and vulnerable. I know I couldn't ever have done it, however desperate I was to have a baby.

From your post it sounds like you did not end up having a DC as a result of the show and given the candidates you were presented with I can't say I'm surprised. No doubt C4 have banned you from talking about it publicly, but I'll be interested to see how you react when you debrief with the team of 'professionals' next week. I wonder how you felt about being presented with a guy with infertility, for instance? How did he passed the supposed extensive vetting process? And what about the 50-year-old with two kids already? Watching it I was thinking 'Couldn't they find any nice straight men aged 34-42 who are childless and fertile???'

@zafferana Hi yes it’s me! You know I’m so terrible at trying to write without giving anything away and I would hate to skip to the end without the whole journey unravelling. So no, not all I wouldn’t confirm anything at this point, I wouldn’t want to be misleading.(you can blame my poor grammar and lack of proof reading more then letting anything slip! soz)

It really is a process, something we’ve been working on for over a year. So although it’s called “strangers making babies” in actual fact we have known each other for a little while (a tad longer then a one night stand I’d say 😬) and all of us have had criminal checks, financial checks, the men even got reference checked from previous relationships! (Or so I heard) several assessments with psychologists and had to do an extensive questionnaire(50pgs +), going right back to our own childhoods. This was to determine how we were brought up, the things we valued in parenting, the kind of discipline we would be raising our child with, the type of coparent we think would suit us and the type of parents we would hope to be . So before we even meet, these have already been pre determined. So I never second guessed the matches at all. Unlike dating, we got to the good stuff straight away! There were no pretence here, it was so refreshing to know that we wouldn’t be scaring each other away by getting to the heart of it. Something you couldn’t even do, after dating someone new even after a couple of months! (When is it too soon to bring up babies in that case?! I was so over those politics)

It’s very interesting that based on the way my matches look, or their age, the generally view is that I have so much going for me, I should date someone I want. It’s annoying because I think In editing they cut out a lot of me reminding the guys that they are punching well above their weight with me! Lol and with Jp I joke that all I need to do is outlive him and then baby and I would inherit his fortune and it’d be a win win and his age would be a plus! Lol. It’s a shame those kind of things were left out as our initial meetings were 2-3 hours long and all you guys got to see was a speedy minute or 2. Hopefully you’ll get a sense of our developing friendships over the next few episodes.

Based on my previous relationships the guys I’ve dated have been great (to some degree) but at this point I really don’t trust myself to choose the “right kind of father” based on my taste in men and it’s varied! Haha! And not having the luxury of time for trial and error. So having the support of the experts I really feel like I could give my child the best possible father, better then I could have chosen with my own needs not being a factor. Purely what they could bring to the table and what kind of family unit we could be. I saw it as you’re awesome + I’m awesome= super awesome baby!! I also looked for matches who were abit different to me, personality wise. Someone who is grounded and abit more outdoorsy, someone who we could compliment each other. So for me those things were way more important then if I found them attractive. From a genetics point of view then yes! I judged them on height, hair (or lack there of Nigel 👀 lol) but then also those things pails in comparison when you learn how much these guys want to have kids.

Hope this answered afew things! X

Did you get paid for appearing on the show?

@FightingTheFoo no, absolutely not

I watched it and was interested to see that the consultant, Marie, was my consultant when I had IVF at the Lister.

I thought they seemed to be very thorough in all the checking processes. I think it's a very complex issue, but so often relationships break down due to sexual issues - affairs, lack of sex once children come along, sexual incompatibility - at least by co-parenting in a platonic relationship this element is removed. I've seen people comment that the women 'should have used a sperm donor', but so often when women do this they're criticised for not giving their child a father. At least this way the resulting children have a good chance of having a father in their lives long-term.

@Beebs101 I wish you and the others well in your journey.

@Beebs101 - all credit to you and wish you luck. I watched the start of the prog - may finish it now I ‘know’ you!! Good luck, kids aren’t to be entered into lightly, that’s for sure.

@Beebs101 How do you think children conceived on a TV show would feel about it when they're older?

@theliverpoolone she’s great at what she does and her manner is so reassuring!

Yes, I think it’s a damned if you do damned if you don’t scenario. As you explained. At least the child would have the option of having contact and a life with their father as opposed to not.(although I would consider known sperm donation as a close second alternative and the child having a chance to get to know any diblings-donor siblings, such a wonderful thing)

The bottom line for me is that there are no guarantees in life but all I can guarantee is that my intentions and my love for my child will come before anyone else, especially myself and I may have a child in we’d lock and get divorced or have a one night stand and have a child or what the case my be, but I wouldn’t love my child any less regardless how they were brought into this world.

@JustDanceAddict thank you!

@FightingTheFoo they wouldn’t have been conceived on the show to begin with, they would be raised, with the unconditional love from both of us and at an age appropriate time, with the knowledge of how their parents met. The documentary is about introducing people to coparent and we discuss different important topics that would be considered when entering such an arrangement and the different fertility obstacles that we may face.

*there is ZERO sexual activity in the show (sorry to disappoint)

How to explain to my future child:
little Johnny before mummy and daddy knew each other we really really wanted to have a baby, but didn’t have a partner/somebody to love to have them with like insert a relatable family members name so we were given a chance to meet and get to know each other and see if we can be great parents together and that’s what we did! It was all filmed along time ago, so that other people who were sad and wanted to have a baby, could watch and learn some things and know they have options too. If you like, we can dig it out and watch a little bit if you want to see for yourself*.

As oppose to:

little Johnny, your dad and I were together for a couple of years and then you came along, yeay! You were such a surprise. But mummy and daddy couldn’t get along and so daddy had to move to a new house, ohh he has a girlfriend does he, what does she look like?

Or

little Johnny I met your daddy online after swiping right

Everyone has their own journeys and personal stories. You live your lives the best you can and I don’t think anyone is in a position to judge. The above examples I have are realities for some families but doesn’t make their children any less loved or wanted.

This is a human life, not a possession. It is so incredibly distasteful a concept I can’t put it into words. What an adult wants right now, does not matter more than the life of another human being.

@Itreallytiedtheroomtogether

This is a human life, not a possession. It is so incredibly distasteful a concept I can’t put it into words. What an adult wants right now, does not matter more than the life of another human being.

@Itreallytiedtheroomtogether you literally described planning to have a baby. In a marriage or not. It’s what the adults want, no child asks to be born.

Which part in what I’ve tried to explain makes you believe Ill be treating my future child as a possession?

Deciding to have a baby with someone who you have known for a long time, know intimately and have the best chance of knowing what type or parent they will be is incomparable to this. Yes this doesn’t always work out to be the best for a child, but you have done your best beforehand to make responsible decisions.

However, people do have babies all the time for their own reasons e.g. to ‘fix’ a relationship, where I would question is that the really the best thing for the child - a totally independent human being. Doing it on tv, with a stranger, is a completely selfish act imo. Whether any sex appears on TV is not the point, they will find out that they were conceived for a TV show and who knows how that will affect them, especially if one of the parents ends up to be a shit one.

@Itreallytiedtheroomtogether some people are married, have kids and have whole other families on the side. Just because a person makes a suitable boyfriend/husband/partner doesn’t necessarily mean they will be able to meet the needs of a child or family. I can see what you’re trying to say. I don’t agree with you, clearly, but you can have your opinion.

No child will be conceived for a tv show. If a child is conceived it’s because two people wanted to have them. I can’t begin to understand your mindset here. This is not the Truman show! No tv company is impregnating anyone or coercing anyone. I have tried to shed some light of my participation in the documentary for people who are genuinely interested, so feel free to read through my previous posts. Thank you for sharing your opinion, feel free to tune in and gain some clarity to any questions you may have.

Yes I watched it
I'm intrigued by it
I'm going to reserve judgment till I've watched it

Ok, I've not watched it and tbh I won't so perhaps I shouldn't have commented - I was just shocked at the concept of it. I believe that anyone who brings a human being into the world from an irresponsible position is wrong and it is a huge problem for our society. I work in a school and I see the real life consequences of it every single day.

@Itreallytiedtheroomtogether

Ok, I've not watched it and tbh I won't so perhaps I shouldn't have commented - I was just shocked at the concept of it. I believe that anyone who brings a human being into the world from an irresponsible position is wrong and it is a huge problem for our society. I work in a school and I see the real life consequences of it every single day.

I agree with most of what you've said here, but I'm not against co-parenting situations. It's interesting that you link co-parenting and being irresponsible.

I absolutely agree that there are all sorts of problems if children are brought into the world irresponsibly, and it is awful (and as a single childless person, frustrating) to see poor parenting, neglect, and so on. But many of us have planned our whole lives to have children at some point - I certainly seem to have thought things through a lot more than people around me with children, who just sort of had them as they drifted through life rather than actively planning and hoping for years, or making sure (or as sure as they could be) they were with the right person, had been together a long enough time, had the same ideas about parenting and so on.

Co-parenting as I've seen it, including how it is presented in this show, seems more akin to people who have suffered infertility for years, these great would-be parents who have just been unlucky not to meet a suitable partner. Meanwhile people with unsuitable partners or having one night stands are popping out babies all over the place. An awful lot of conscious planning and thought goes into it, more than you see in people who got to have children easily.