Strangers Making Babies

[zafferana]

I can't believe there isn't a thread about this programme!

I watched it last night and found it depressing, extraordinary and just ... odd. The thought of interviewing someone to have a baby with and then having to co-parent with a complete stranger is just horrible IMO! Imagine handing your newborn over to someone you barely know for half the time? Argh! Unimaginable. Donor sperm I can understand, but this? No way.

The candidates too were not at all what I would expect. Venicia struck me as the kind of attractive, bubbly, warm person who would easily find a partner to have a family with if only she would actually make the effort to date, rather than spending all her time looking after other people's DC.

As for the men she was matched with - two guys much older than her and older than the upper age limit of 42 that she was comfortable with - one being 16 years older and already with two kids. It's a shame she and Vik didn't have any chemistry as he was by far the best match otherwise.

And Sarah - being matched with one guy who lives in Manchester when she lives in Reading and other who almost died from a serious heart condition. WTF? I can only think that C4 were short of male candidates for their bizarre programme.

Did anyone else think it was just ... I dunno ... weird and slightly unpleasant?

I can't understand why people comment on threads like these without having watched the programme

Hi @Beebs101 I watched the show and both you and the other lady come across as so lovely and, as someone who got divorced at 35 not having had a child, I totally understand where you are coming from.

To all the critical posters, perhaps this is a sensitive subject for a tv show, but the situation is really pressing when so many woman and men aren't able to find a partner in a specific time frame, and then some tough decisions have to be made.

If you actually watch the programme it very closely resembles a dating show format, and all dating shows match people up who might go on to have children, and no-one bats an eye lid. If, after a period of time, two consenting adults attempt to have a child in this way, what is the actual problem?

Obviously lots can go wrong in a co-parenting scenario, 50% of marriages end in divorce for example, and no-one says it's irresponsible to have a child when married as there's a 50% chance of divorce?!

Personally, I would also rather a child knows his/her father than having an anonymous sperm donor who they never know the identity of.

Lastly, to the poster who said 'get a puppy', the experience of being childless not by choice, is one of the worst things I have ever experienced. Jody Day had formed a support organisation for this reason and your comments were really nasty.

I've got a child and still feel the pull for another (probably won't ever get to have another) so I can't imagine what it's like not having any and wanting one

[quote Beebs101]@FightingTheFoo they wouldn’t have been conceived on the show to begin with, they would be raised, with the unconditional love from both of us and at an age appropriate time, with the knowledge of how their parents met. The documentary is about introducing people to coparent and we discuss different important topics that would be considered when entering such an arrangement and the different fertility obstacles that we may face.

*there is ZERO sexual activity in the show (sorry to disappoint)

How to explain to my future child:
little Johnny before mummy and daddy knew each other we really really wanted to have a baby, but didn’t have a partner/somebody to love to have them with like insert a relatable family members name so we were given a chance to meet and get to know each other and see if we can be great parents together and that’s what we did! It was all filmed along time ago, so that other people who were sad and wanted to have a baby, could watch and learn some things and know they have options too. If you like, we can dig it out and watch a little bit if you want to see for yourself*.

As oppose to:

little Johnny, your dad and I were together for a couple of years and then you came along, yeay! You were such a surprise. But mummy and daddy couldn’t get along and so daddy had to move to a new house, ohh he has a girlfriend does he, what does she look like?

Or

little Johnny I met your daddy online after swiping right

Everyone has their own journeys and personal stories. You live your lives the best you can and I don’t think anyone is in a position to judge. The above examples I have are realities for some families but doesn’t make their children any less loved or wanted.[/quote]
As gently as possible, I think the point you're missing is that loving and wanting a child aren't enough.

What children need, generally, to become functional adults, is routine, stability and a stable sense of identity. I can see through my own situation and that of my childhood friends, all of us now adults, how damaging is is not having those things and the knock on effects that reverberate through people's entire lives including onto the next generation.

Deliberately planning to bring a child into the world into such an unstable situation - not to mention they will one day find out it was via a TV show - seems to me very tragic. And, sorry to say this, makes me question the judgement and parental fitness of those participating.

Just the other day I saw a headline about Melinda Messenger saying her now teen son is mortified at all her glamour shoots from back in the day. One day the child conceived via a TV show will be a teenager and will, I think, be devastated. I mean, even the kids from 7 And Up all have massively conflicted feelings about that and that was a very noble documentary - not light entertainment that resulted in their birth.

Their just seems to be little to no consideration for what any of this would be like for the child. It's all about what the adults want.

Yep - completely agree with everything you said there @FightingTheFoo. Sums up (better than I did!) exactly why I felt such disquiet about this show.

Well I'd be perfectly happy if my parents met this way, I can't see what difference it makes how your parents met. And I doubt that in 15 - 20 years time anyone will remember this programme.

I would rather reserve judgment till we've seen the whole process/programme personally

@Teentitansonloop

Well I'd be perfectly happy if my parents met this way, I can't see what difference it makes how your parents met. And I doubt that in 15 - 20 years time anyone will remember this programme.

Kids that were conceived via the programme will obviously remember. What a thoughtless comment. Just like Messenger's son - and no doubt his mates at school - have stumbled across his mum's glamour shots. We live in the age of the Internet. Nothing is forgotten.

*By remember I don't mean literally before someone picks me up on it. I mean they'll obviously find out and know about it. As will their peers potentially.

@FightingTheFoo I’m hardly getting my baps out 🤣🤣🤣 and I doubt page 3 will be knocking on my door anytime soon lol.
-your comparisons really make me chuckle. Bravo 👏🏾 if they weren’t so far fetched and irrelevant to each other, I’d find it hurtful, which I don’t.

• not that I need to continually justify my reasoning but of course I’ve considered my future child and the impact it may have on them. My involvement in the show will never be a dirty little secret so there will be no bomb shell revelations to worry about. I’ll be open and honest and remind them that they are loved no matter how their father and I made it happen.

As someone who has watched many documentaries on child development and Attachment psychology (many decades old) I can see how such a documentary may influence the ideals and norms of child rearing, which I think is wonderful and informative.

-as for the “what children need” comment. I’ve been looking after children for over 20 years.
I’m a qualified:
maternity nurse
Nanny
Sleep trainer
Child nutritionist
Travel nanny
And Tutor
With 2 Degrees in Education and Early Childhood Studies

• I worked 24/6 roles and 12/6,12/5 positions from when the kids wake up (I wake them) to putting them to bed. So I know how to meet the physical needs of a child, if that’s a concern.

Not to mention I’m studying accountancy (as weirdly I’m into it lol) so I think, not sure... (lol) but maybe I have a little bit of eduction and knowledge behind my actions.
Having helped to raise many many many children(I’m talking about 30+ kids!) over the past 2 decades, I think I know what I’m getting myself into.

And on a more personal note, my parents were married and divorced when I was two. I’m a product of coparenting from that young age. My parents didn’t always get on and my brother and I were occasionally caught in the middle. But they did their best in their own ways. I had two extra families and that’s my experience which I won’t know any other way.

I hope my child sees it in the future, and can appreciate how much they were wanted.

Thank you again for your concern.

@Teentitansonloop thank you for your earlier comment! Someone who clearly understands my position but I can imagine even if you didn’t, you have an open mind to possibilities. I agree with everything you said, as it’s also my stance on coparenting.

Sometimes people believe in their own opinion so vehemently that’s it’s often hard to see the bigger picture and that’s ok. I’m not here to try and convince those few.

Thank you for your support!! X

@purpleme12 Great decision. Commenting on the show without watching is the epitome of judging a book by its cover. The advert and even down to the title were made and edited to illicit intrigue, curiosity and conversation. People are free to watch or not, but I can’t take people seriously if they have comments about something they haven’t seen. I just don’t get it. Hope it answers some questions when/if you get round to it!

Hi Beeb, I think what you did makes perfect sense. I'm pretty sure people in co-parenting relationships often fare much better as parents, because their sole focus is the child. I'm pretty sure they would also it easier to have a clear parenting style, where there's less disagreement about how to bring the kids up. Hope it worked well for you.

'also find it easier'

@Stichintime that’s the dream! Lol. Thank you, only time will tell :)))

I watched this today. I thought it was a good concept. There was another programme on the other day about surrogates and I found that hard to watch at times, particularly when a woman gave birth and immediately handed the baby to a single man. At least this way the baby isn’t ripped away from its mother, and has the benefit of an involved father which can be missing from sperm donation.

I imagine both parties going into this will be invested and motivated parents. It seems a better route into parenthood than settling down with the wrong person, which so many people do.

Venicia I see you are on the thread. You came across as a lovely, happy woman with such warmth. I’m sure you will make a wonderful mother.

You're welcome @Beebs101. I have so much admiration for you, you are so brave and so many women will take inspiration from your strength. Good luck with everything

@Beebs101 I think some people don't understand when everything falls into place for them in the right time. I am under Marie Wren at the Lister and she is genuinely passionate about providing people who struggle with fertility with a chance of parenthood. She particularly champions 'alternative' parenting and women doing ivf on their own. I think the program edit makes it a bit 'reality tv' but the principle and ethos behind it is great - why should people only be parents if they happen to meet the right person at the right time?

@CausingChaos2 thank you for saying so, it’s so lovely to hear. I hope so ughhh no pressure gulp lol.

That’s the thing, I know in my heart I couldn’t grow a baby, even if I were just the landlord (😬) and hand them over. I really couldn’t, I think I’d die of a broken heart. I’m not trying to be dramatic but isshhhh. The last family I worked for, I looked after the baby since he came out of the hospital at 2days. I shopped for his baby things and a set up his nursery, I was his second mum (their whole family called me mama bb!) so when I left him and his brother last year, I grieved very abruptly (covid reasons). I Really heavily grieved. I hope I never experience the loss of a child, if it felt anything like I experienced before. This is why I’m so emotionally attached to my babies(charges) and I’ve just reached the point where I want my own to never have to give back. Being a surrogate is a wonderful thing I’m sure, I just don’t know if I’d have the strength of character or heart to that. Takes a stronger women then me for sure.

I came to that same conclusion, coparenting is a happy medium for me.

So interesting that conversations are being had over the topic!! 😍😍👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

@Teentitansonloop thank you so much, I don’t feel brave. I feel vulnerable, exposed and raw. It’s so difficult to watch, as I remember just how much I wanted it and I’m transported to that time with all the uncertainty and nerves.(I know it’s doesnt show but it will!) Sometimes I feel attacked, ridiculed and not good enough. I am Relived that’s it’s finally out there and some other things that I’ll share once the series has ended (so remind me!!) however I have no regrets. I’ve learnt so much about myself, evaluated my own childhood and as a result have grown closer to my own father (which if you really knew the deets, it’s a miracle in itself! VERY religious and against IVF etc) it helped me put my priorities in order and I wanted to play my party in getting the right information out there for singletons who want to be parents. Where there is a will, there is a way. I’m just a jo nobody from Croydon, trying to make her dreams come true. There’s nothing fancy here. ☺️😉 and I hope it resonates with some and maybe inspires others to make moves. Thank you again for your support, means the world to me x

@Penny19 yes absolutely! You can have all of your ducks in a row, everything just as you want it but suffer infertility for explained or unexplained reasons. You could be successful in all areas of your life apart from romance, why should that dictate your ability to raise a child? Better they have a loving parent or coparents then a dysfunctional/toxic upbringing because it’s “traditional” I think we can all agree that what’s best for a child is a happy, healthy and loving environment and how that takes shape would be part of the adventure I think. (But I’m quite whimsical so don’t mind me ) and this shapes the characters and personalities of all the little people we raise.

The style is very first dates, which is a shame, I was hoping for a more gritty “one born every minute with less vag action lol” but something you have to leave to artistic licence. But like I said, I’m so happy to have gone down this route and met the people I have. Fate has a funny old way of pushing you in the direction you’re meant to go in.

Oh jeez Marie is a star! How amazing. Good luck with your own journey. Xx

As gently as possible, I think the point you're missing is that loving and wanting a child aren't enough.
What children need, generally, to become functional adults, is routine, stability and a stable sense of identity.

A Nanny knows all that. And frankly, she has the practise which many mums don’t. I think the spanner in the works is the father not the TV show, He’s going to be where the parenting issues occur.

@Thewinterofdiscontent thank you! Yes I have experience for days and you know what, I’m only human and I’ll make mistakes. (Bring on pj days, breakfast for dinner and nextflix binges hello cocomelon 👋🏾lol) I wouldn’t hold it against the coparent if they were winging it a little! It’s my controlling perfectionist ways I’d have to chill out about and we’ll both learn as we go along. Isn’t that part of the fun? Experiencing the firsts together, poo explosions, sleepless nights and all? I hope I can give them the freedom to enjoy it and switch off that nanny brain of mine. In the long term, I can only hope they are as committed as I am and I think that’s the faith you put in anyone you have a child with and we cant live our lives in fear of the what ifs. We have to try and strive for open communication and honesty (which is where the getting to know each other’s wants and boundaries comes in) and always make sure baby come first,in all of our decisions. We can hope! Ughhhhh

They've changed the schedule! It said it was going to be on earlier!

They've pushed it to tomorrow at 11
Quite late