SPOILERS
Patrick reports the boarding house to Environmental Health and Darren and Maxine are alarmed when they find the words 'Once a victim, always a victim' written in red paint on their kitchen wall.
Darren urges Maxine to call the police, but she starts to wash the paint off instead. Later at the garage, Ziggy spots brake fluid leaking from Darren's car. Is someone trying to kill him?
Probably. He's pretty annoying.
Meanwhile, Dirk is furious when he finds out that Theresa lied about Dodger not being Myra-Pocahontas's father. He decides that he wants to be part of his granddaughter's life, but his happiness is short-lived when he receives another threatening reminder about his guilty secret.
Don't see how any of that made a difference to Dodger leaving. And Dirk has bigger issues.
Elsewhere, Ste tells Tony that he is HIV positive when he has to go for more blood tests.
Desperate for Cameron to return, Peri wants to get rid of Ziggy and fakes a letter from another woman. Tegan finds the letter and recognises Peri's handwriting, so she replaces it with two tickets to Leela's favourite band and pretends they're from Ziggy. Later, Peri is shocked when she finds out about Ste's condition.
Is this where the fire engine bullshit happens. We should find out soon that she's pregnant with Pom.
Meanwhile, Maxine is admitted to hospital with two broken ribs. Darren tells the police that it was Patrick, but is all as it seems?
Probably not.
Elsewhere, Diane and Tony argue about who should run The Hutch. They have a food fight in the restaurant and Tony is surprised when his son Harry returns.
Because running a restaurant when you have invisible twins is entirely feasible. 
And why are all of these fecking children returning? Where have they been?
Peri can't take any more and when Leela brings the fire truck to school for careers day, she locks herself in and threatens to drive it into the school building. John Paul arrives and stands in front of the fire engine to try to stop Peri.
Oh, here we go. And now we reach number 458 of John Paul's Bullshit Descisions: Standing in front of a moving fire engine being driven by a teenager. Very sensible. Unless he's The Hulk. Which I suppose is possible.
Patrick is impressed by John Paul and promises to put in a good word so that he can be reinstated at Hollyoaks High. John Paul is elated, until he gets a call from Finn - who wants him to pay a visit…
Busy day.
Meanwhile, Patrick takes Minnie into his care and Maxine is stunned when he suggests they should make another go of their relationship. Will she accept for the sake of their daughter?
Probably. They've had as many new starts as John Paul and Ste. Maybe it's a competition?
John Paul gives Trevor a lot of money and asks for his help to get rid of Finn once and for all, but will Trevor agree?
Well, he's already in prison. Surely changing his number would be simpler?
At the same time, Ste and Sinead go for a baby scan. John Paul, Diane and Lockie organise a surprise baby shower for their return, but Ste is concerned that it will upset Sinead. John Paul finds out that Sinead has been secretly visiting Finn and makes Ste choose between them.
Meanwhile, Tegan helps Ziggy to make a calendar of himself as a Valentine's surprise for Leela, but it's clear she still has feelings for him. Tegan is heartbroken when Leela announces that she is going to propose to Ziggy.
Well, Teagan had her chance. She turned him down, took magic mushrooms and rolled down a hill in the dark and sat there all night covered in moss. Not really the way to bag a man.
Porsche is annoyed when she gets Lockie a watch for Valentine's Day and doesn't get anything in return. She is unaware that their planned trip to Paris is being funded by dodgy deals with Trevor because Lockie can't afford it.
Then she is getting something in return - a trip to Paris. Some people are never happy...
Meanwhile, Diane's day goes from bad to worse ahead of Patrick's event at The Hutch.
Well, Diane's another one who'll never be happy.
Elsewhere, Ste steals a jiffy bag of drugs from Lockie's pocket. Lockie heads to the Lomaxes' to retrieve them from Ste but bumps into an upset Diane on the way. John Paul is about to go into his interview with the governors when he gets a text from Ste asking for help. Will he jeopardise his future career again for his husband?
That's too much going on for me to analyse.
Also today, knowing her sister's plans, Tegan is worried when Ziggy wonders whether he has a future with Leela. Ziggy gives Leela the calendar he has made and is stunned when she gets down on one knee. What will he say?
A calendar? She's easily pleased. It's already February, you'd assume she had a calendar already...