Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

Just checking in with everyone here and offering my sympathies.

We've on the whole had a better week. Yr 9 daughter has attended most of her lessons this week, after the school altered her timetable. They've not quite done as they said they would though regarding her timetable (and completely messed it up first attempt) and still haven't made the referral for an Early Help Assessment despite assuring me it would be done over a week ago.

It's exhausting just keeping on top of the school to make sure they do follow through on promises.

DD also had an episode last night- shouted and swore at me and her Dad, threatened to run away again. I'm afraid we didn't deal with it well- DP shouted at her and told her that there's no wonder she has no friends as she's treating people so badly (it's not entirely untrue, but it wasn't a good time to say it!)

She then appeared to calm down and I took her and her little brother to the supermarket. She wouldn't stop starting arguments with him and generally being horrible. I was loosing my patience so told them both to get back in the car as we were going home. She then spent the car journey shouting and swearing at me, telling me that as far as she's concerned, I'm not her mum anymore, I'm a shit mum, I'm mentally unstable and should never have had kids.

She was truly horrible.

And then we get home and 20 minutes later, she's sweetness and light, apologising to me and asking me to buy her presents..

And then 2 hours later, she flips again and refuses to go to bed.

I am utterly drained and exhausted.

You have my sympathy as your day sounds a lot like ours is going, from the swearing to the mood swings to picking on sibling. I am drained. Just been reading the thread about people who don't attend parent's funerals and fearing this will be us...

@Icantpeopleanymore that sounds so hard. The thing that resonated with me was your lovely evening and how it was like having her back. That is exactly what it feels like - that you lose them and have moments when they come back to you. I have to hold on to the thoughts that maybe those moments will get more frequent.

Thanks for the welcome, I really think this is a great idea, just knowing I'm not alone is a real help. I'm on a WhatsApp chat for parents of SEN kids but all the mums are stay at home it seems and have endless time to help their kids, meet up, do zoom courses etc, I don't feel like I have time to even breathe sometimes. I had to go back full time when we separated as I'm paying the mortgage by myself now.

We've had an ok day, mostly just trying to get on top of the house and her disgusting room...DD staring at me angrily a bit when I asked her to do stuff like bring clothes down from her room and put away clean stuff, but then after several nagging attempts she actually did start tidying up a bit. Nearly had a meltdown over something I'd promised but then couldn't happen, but avoided it. Took her out with me to do a bit of food shopping and she was awful, headphones on, tutting and muttering every time I asked her something, but I did notice she was constantly pacing and jiggling around, very anxious...until she noticed something she liked, weirdly Pokémon Lego and treats for our cat 🤷 and eventually quite chatty. I think most of what's going on with her is anxiety, which I guess is linked to the ASD. She will go up to people in shops when it's something she wants but at an appointment yesterday she just shrugged at the woman's questions. I kept having to answer for her.

Oddly the last day or so she's eaten really well. But I heard her in her room exercising twice, no doubt to burn it off. It's very worrying but I think it seems she doesn't eat at school and is better at home. I wonder if it's trying to fit in with others still. Along with trying to fit an aesthetic... apparently 'skinny boy'is an aesthetic to aim for now as a 12 year old girl.

The teen angst is definitely a thing, I guess posting on Tumblr that your mum has bought you food you wanted, treated you to perfume and has bought treats to watch Hamilton (for the third time this week 🤦) with later on is probably not as exciting or as like worthy as 'my mum thinks I'm an idiot and I hate my life'..

I have never yearned for the days she only slept 20 mins at a time and was constantly breastfeeding more 🤣

Just need a bloody break from it all though, and not going to work where I deal with less sulky but difficult teen boys! It's fighting with them, had to pull two boys apart earlier in the week, but it was all done in a few minutes, they seem so much simpler!

Yes it's very hard when you work as well. My amazing supportive boss who allowed me so much flexibility with my dd announced she will be leaving for a new post soon which I'm really upset about.

Dd slept until 3 then spent all day on her iPad in the bedroom.

This isn't the life I want for her or me 😢

Yeah. They just were really and truly F*ed by the pandemic...it all started with her when I was having to manage teaching from home and her basically having so much time to herself on her tablet. She was into all sorts, discord chats with strangers, watching shite on YouTube. Just had to be left to her own devices as DS was 5 and I had to manage him hating zoom school and being on my own all day.
She'd be on her switch all day if she could. Plus it's something I can't monitor like her phone, god knows what she's up to.

Right, ds finally in bed and now for another round of Hamilton, her current obsession, but hopefully a nice evening, will try to get them out tomorrow but it's unlikely it'll be easy. Hope everyone gets a bit of time to themselves this evening 🤞

On a side note...I am attempting to get a spy type app installed on DD's phone so that I can see the content of messages etc. I don't feel entirely comfortable doing it, but think it's probably sensible.

Has anyone else done this?

Hi there
I just want to say that things will get better...never thought I'll ever say this. I have ab 18 year old who put us through a living hell between 12-15( worst) became better from 16 onwards. She used to be ( still is) very rude, defiant, ran away from home on 6 occasions had to trail the streets of London looking for her. Terrible time, agrees to counselling, I pay private and she wouldn't turn up. Excluded from school in Year 9. At 14. The worst age. Then went to Yoith Court at 13, 14 and then she turned a slight corner at 16. Still not good but much improved. Looking for her own places hopefully in May.
Her younger sister who is almost 17 never gave me an inch of a problem. Just like a perfect child. Slight moody but that's the worst. Thankfully if both were the same i would have shot myself.
I will keep an eye here. With teens no relax!

Thank you for the posters that have been through this and have positive outcomes.

I'm really feeling despondent today. DD14 ASD and ADHD is currently still in bed and refusing school.

We had a reasonably good week last week (based on our very much lowered standards) where she went in for 3 part days. This week we're back to doing nothing.

I'm finding it so hard watching her just throw her chance to pass some GCSEs away and be so lonely and miserable. She lives completely in the moment so the future and anything other than her own immediate needs don't even make it on to her radar.

I almost called a parent helpline this afternoon but changed my mind because I know there's nothing really that anyone can do, when she refuses any help or support offered to her. I might get sympathy over the phone but I think that would probably just make me cry even more than I already am.

My dd is still in bed also after being up all night begging me not to send her to school. Feel so depressed that's there's nothing anyone can do.

lollipoprainbow Mine was awake most of the night too. She says she took her Melatonin (but not until 1am) and it didn't work. I never know when to believe her and when it's just another of her very frequent lies - particularly when it comes to taking her Melatonin.

I'm exhausted by it all.

@Lindy2 I'm tired of it all. Every day is a battle. Just want my routine back I'm fed up with working from home while my dd lies in bed all day. It's not the life I want for us.

In case you haven't seen it there is a thread running at the mo about outcomes of kids that didn't get any exams.

It's very nice to read!

Dd just had her first dose or sertraline. Praying this helps with her mood and IBS and PMT and we can get her back into sixth form or if not being more positive about her next move.

We've had what I thought were a couple of good days, the weekend went well and then I discovered she's been logging food and exercise in a notepad, running around her room to burn off calories. Referred today to the Eating disorder service, they were great, got in contact straight away and hopefully an appointment within the next month.

I've been tearful all day, work is so stressful at the moment but I'm hoping we can finally start to get some help.

She's raging with me at the moment because I've blocked Tumblr on her phone. I'm not risking her getting advice about ways to avoid eating from other teens on there.
She's currently doing an art homework at the kitchen table, she's eaten something this evening and possibly at lunch, however she lies all the time so I can't be sure.

I'm just so exhausted of the constant vigilance and walking on eggshells.

I've got to install quostodio on her phone, as she turns 13 in two weeks family link won't work any more. Ridiculous that it's such an arbitrary age. @PatButchersEarring would that work? Doesn't spy as such though, but does show internet searches and you can control apps. Problem is she got around it by installing a guest profile on her phone, which family link stopped, but quostodio can't. Can't think of another way round it. I check hers once she's in bed.

DD has been awful today but I realise it’s PMT. Anyone else see the difference then?
She had to pick her GCSEs this week and school could not be nicer, she still isn’t going into classes though. So not sure how it’s going to work.

Please can I ask others for input as to how far you think is too far in terms of their deliberately hurtful behaviour? And what you do if it goes too far?

I feel my DD has crossed an almost unforgivable line in the last week and I am completely at a loss as to how to move on. I could (just about) handle being wished dead, having derogatory comments made about my appearance, being called names etc but then she started talking about my parents (to avoid outing, I won't say which but one is dead and one is alive).

In a nutshell she said more than once that they both deserved to die from cancer (both suffered it and it was one's cause of death as DD knows). I was so upset. Still am. If the remaining parent heard her say it about the deceased one, that parent would be utterly devastated.

How the hell do I deal with such a lack of respect/compassion/basic humanity? It goes so far beyond tolerable even from an adolescent. I am worried our relationship will be affected forever. Or am I over-reacting as this is in the range of 'normal' for teens?

Quite long. Sorry. Thanks.

@SockGoddess Thanks for the reply. Just reading our posts has made me weep again. I adored the parent who died as DD well knows. I hate that she dares say what she says. I can't bring myself to show her any affection yet know that is probably what she is crying out for most. Not sure I'm cut out for being a parent anymore. This bit is too hard. I feel that if I let her see just how upsetting her words are, she'll store them as ammunition for future use so I'm adopting the grey rock approach even though it's likely to be counterproductive.

@SockGoddess We are in good company, eh? I said to a friend last night that it makes me want to run away and abandon her but I won't, of course. We'll just soldier on to the next battle. Solidarity here at least!

@resipsa @SockGoddess my dd also said some awful things about my mum dying painfully from cancer last year....made her usual 'I'm a shit mum/my food is shit/my choice in men is shit' look like a pleasant chat.

I know teens can say & do awful things, but I wonder if that kind of thing awfulness goes hand in hand with the self-regulation issues? Everything is extreme - can't stop once she gets going/can't just go sick a couple of days, has to have Year 9 & 10 off......

Solidarity here indeed x

Happened to me too. Dd now 18 used to say the most hateful stuff when angry. " I wish you dead, you are old, look at your wrinkly face, go have some botox, etc) awful. It does affect our relationship but whether it will always be like this I have no clue. I'm much closer to her sister who is almost 17 because she used to comfort me when dd used to go in one of her rages.
She always said to my dh that his mum died and its good. Why are they saying these things? I don't remember any of me and my siblings arguing with my parents so much. Ok it's over 30 years ago but come on...
Be strong. Things are calmer she is 18 but sometimes I wish I didn't have her. Awful, I know that....😒