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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Mixed sex sleepovers at 14?? Is this what they do now?

37 replies

Mumwhensdinneready · 17/09/2009 19:06

I'm so old we never did sleepovers of any kind.
DS has been invited to a friend's birthday and there will be girls sleeping over as well as boys.
I don't want to have double standards here but if he was girl I wouldn't hesitate to say no. I remember being a 14 year old girl, just.
I know all the parents and they all seem happy about it. So it's just me with a suspicious mind then?

OP posts:
choufleur · 17/09/2009 19:08

I have a way to go until DS reaches 14 but it won't be what he does in my house. I wouldn't be happy him going to a friend's house either.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2009 19:12

not in my world they don't............

if dd ever asks this she knows I will laugh in her face

Celery · 17/09/2009 19:16

We were having mixed sleepovers twenty years ago, when we were fourteen. Not sure why or how our parents' agreed to it, but nothing ever happened. Maybe a little bit of snogging and cuddling, but mainly lots of fun, talking, laughing, watching films and not much sleeping. I don't know about teenagers of today though.

mummyloveslucy · 17/09/2009 19:16

NO WAY, NEVER !!

lazymumofteenagesons · 17/09/2009 21:52

check out this previous thread

mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=teenagers&threadid=783726-Mixed-gender-sleepovers#16023425

Original poster
Mumwhensdinneready · 18/09/2009 09:23

Thanks lazymum I hadn't seen that thread.
There are a crowd of them who are all good friends.
When I was 13/14 there were never such mixed friendships and I rather like the idea that DS is learning to enjoy girls company as friends before he launches into "going out" with them.
I have already agreed to this but I'm not happy. Hard to justify changing my mind though. As someone on the other thread said it sets a precedent.

OP posts:
rockinmum · 18/09/2009 13:16

We always had mixed sleepovers, nothing ever happened, noone got pregnant, we even slept in a field (about 40 of us) one night, and guess what? Noone got drunk, noone took drugs, noone had sex we just sat around and had a chat mucked around a bit then went to sleep.

They probably haven't even thought of the connotations you are all putting on it. Give your kids some credit. If oyu raised them well they won't f* it up!

fanjolina · 18/09/2009 13:21

Not in my house they don't

wannabehappy · 20/09/2009 14:14

My eldest is 15. He has been having mixed sex sleepovers, for well, for a long time. Only rule - if just one boy and one girl they do not sleep together, and to be honest we broke that during summer when a mate who happens to be a girl fell out with her mother and needed company (we did talk it through with her gran tho!).

I had mixed sex sleepovers as a teen, and even went camping with two boys who were close friends. Having best mates who were boys made me a good deal safer, taught me a lot and my parents were never worried about how I would get home from a gathering, one of the lads would always see me home and I make sure my son takes same attitude towards girls who are friends.

Of course I don't watch them all the time and my trust might be mistaken. I don't think so though. And...I think there is so much to gained for the kids. I want my boys to grow up friends with girls.

bronzebeard · 20/09/2009 14:16

Same as Celery though I don't even remember snogging at 14. We played board games or cards, watched films, chatted and ate crap. I guess it depends ont he group of 14 year olds.

It was only two years later a group of us walked across dartmoor (camping) so it doesn't seem that odd to me

thepumpkineater · 20/09/2009 14:52

My DS (nearly 14) has just been on a mixed sleepover, tents in someones big garden.

Was absolutely fine, parents around keeping an eye on everyone. Appears to have had some sleep. Agree with wannabehappy, I may be mistaken too (but am on 3rd teen now so am fairly well up on inappropriate behaviour, as it were...) but they all seem to get on really well together and it's nice to see girls and boys as friends.

I suppose it all depends on the type of party and the type of children involved, ie none of his lot seem to have proper boyfriends or girlfriends yet.

alypaly · 20/09/2009 19:14

yes its the norm. they all sleep in the same room in their jeans and tee shirts. They never seem to take sleeping bags or toothbrushes etc and then they just sit there all night talking and come home knackered.
Then they go on facebook and talk to all ot the ones they have just pared company with. Yep its normal. I was shocked at no toothbrush and sleeping bag,but i just go with the flow now

piscesmoon · 20/09/2009 19:30

I never know why they are called sleepovers-no one ever sleeps!

EccentricaGallumbits · 20/09/2009 19:33

I've a 13 yr old who does have mixed 'sleep'-overs.
However - the hormones are beginning to kick in and I am getting a little twitchy about it.
May have to say no soon.

maryz · 20/09/2009 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dogonpoints · 20/09/2009 22:03

I wouldn't be at all keen. I'd say no.

malovitt · 21/09/2009 06:46

Alypaly, what you describe is spot on.

It's the norm where I am too, usually big groups of 8 or more. DS went to one on Saturday where 15 stayed. They all seem to be friends rather than boyfriends/girlfriends.

Dreading his turn to host the evening though!

mollyroger · 21/09/2009 07:39

at that age, with adult supervision, and no alcohol, yes. If they were part of a gang like ds is in.
They will watch a film, gossip, chat, and eat enormous amounts of crap.

let them enjoy it before it all gets heavy and there are 'expectations'.

alypaly · 21/09/2009 09:27

malovitt....yes ...im dreading the mass sleepover..
We that is BF and myself, go to our caravan most weekends, but thankfully i get a call from DS2 to ask if his friends can stay.Thats not bad considering he is 16. He knows i have rules,no drinking accept under parental supervision /permission.
Maryz I would not be happy too,if i found out my 16 year old was drunk at someones elses house.
I think its nice that they can all sleep in the same room without sexual tension. Its great for boys to have girls who are friends rather than the intense boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

My DS1 had the same sort of group at school and they are all still the best of friends now even tho they are 21/22 and at different unis.
They all get together as soon as they come home..its a lovely friendship and will definitely be a lasting one.

Original poster
Mumwhensdinneready · 21/09/2009 10:45

Well it all went well I think.
I did the big embarrassing talk with DS before he went.
There was a big group of them , all friends rather than BF/GF and they slept in tents. When I say slept, DS reckons he got 2 hours sleep between 4 and 6 am.
They spent the day climbing trees and romping through fields (we live in the country but he wouldn't normally dream of doing that). Then came home and talked to them all on facebook exactly as alypaly says.
I love this idea that boys and girls can be friends at 13/14. It was never thus in my day and I think this is much healthier. It's teaching my shy DS how to get on with girls just as people rather than viewing them as a different species.

OP posts:
mollyroger · 21/09/2009 19:47
knitmom · 14/06/2011 13:53

Hi
This is my first post and I really need some help, pour out my worries, etc!
My 14 year old daughter's (ex? - they have split up a few times) boyfriend (also 14) and his parents have asked her round for a sleepover this Saturday. I've said to her that I don't feel happy about this and my husband agrees. She is a bit annoyed.
Have explained to ex-bf and daughter on numerous occasions that bf mustn't get in her bed, but when I came back from work I found him there on numerous occasions.
So that's why I don't trust him an inch!! Even though daughter says they don't do anything.
I find bf's parents a bit hard to understand - as they don't seem to give a hoot and seem to think it's okay if the kids spend all the time in the bedroom. Bf's parents are older, richer, posher than us - I would have thought they'd be stricter too.
I've said that the kids should get out, go to cinema, go for a bike ride, etc on numerous occasions, and have explained my views to bf's parents, but they still ask my daughter round for sleepovers.
I feel frustrated that bf's parents don't seem to take on board that I really don't want my daughter doing that.
I don't want to be rude, but I do feel placed in a v awkward position, and I do want to stick to my guns.
Problem is I don't want to alienate my daughter or to make her feel I don't trust her.
What does anyone think?

BusyBodd · 14/06/2011 21:28

I had a conversation with some of the young people I was working with about this and they accused me of being obsessed with sex and that they were all just good mates and they wanted to talk for hours. They also said "Ew! we wouldn't have sex in the same room as other people anyway; that would be disgusting" which I found strangely reassuring.
Because of that, I would be less concerned about a large mixed group than about a one boy one girl scenario, so I'd be inclined to say no to your daughter, Knitmom. It doesn't really matter what BF's parents think, and it's not about not trusting your daughter it's about not trusting her BF to protect her and respect her family's guidelines, which he has already shown he can't do.

AnyFucker · 14/06/2011 21:33

knitmom, you need to start your own thread to get more answers, rather than tag onto an old one that is finished

I recommend you repot in the Teenager section

for what it's worth, I would not let my 14 yo dd do that, and I would be quite prepared for her to be pissed off with me

you are the parent, she is underage, you make the decisions...it is as simple as that

AnyFucker · 14/06/2011 21:34

repost not repot Smile

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