16yo DS watching porn on family computer...

[brummiemummie]

OK before I start, I ought to say I don't have a problem with DS wanking, watching porn, or in fact having sex (he has a gf).

What I do have a problem with is him watching porn on the family computer which his siblings use, without deleting the browsing history or attempting to cover his tracks in any way. He has a 10yo sister and an 11yo brother and I really wouldn't want either of them seeing most of the stuff he'd been looking at. And seeing as I discovered it by accident (clicked on "Favourites" to get to my emails, and a whole list of the History came up including his porn) it's feasible that at some point one of them will innocently do the same.

I am also a bit about it because he has a laptop and I can't quite work out why he couldn't have watched it on there in the privacy of his own room. The wireless connection is a bit temperamental but usually it isn't long before it comes back on, and DS knows that. But it seems instead of waiting for it to come back on, he must have sneaked downstairs (this was at about 2 in the morning btw), switched the family PC back on and visited several porn sites on there. There may be a "good" reason for this, but it does make me think that he might have developed some kind of habit/addiction as he seemingly couldn't even wait twenty minutes or so till the internet on his laptop started working again.

I guess the reason I'm asking is that I don't really know what to say to him. I think I need to say something to make sure he knows to delete the history if he looks at anything dodgy on the downstairs computer, but I don't know whether to say anything else as well? Also, should I talk to him about it myself or would it be better coming from DH? I don't want to embarass him or make him feel it's something shameful but at the same time I don't want his younger brother/sisters to see anything they shouldn't.

BM x

A 16 year old would not be allowed to watch porn in this house. He is still a child and needs limits.

Sneaking around at 2 am to watch porn? I'd kick his arse.

BoF girdle comment made me spit tomato soup down my front. Thanks for that

I really, really didn't want this thread to descend into a discussion of the rights and wrongs of DS not being explicitly forbidden to watch porn in the first place . But I suppose it was inevitable as we do have extremely liberal views on the subject and there were bound to be a lot of people who disagreed completely with our stance.

I think our position on this is largely down to DH's feelings about his childhood where openly discussing/looking at ANYTHING remotely sexual was forbidden. MIL is still after 25 years deeply ashamed of DH for having sex at 18, before we got married, and is still quite hostile towards me as she thinks I lead her son astray . She used to tell him masturbation and having sexual thoughts was "dirty" and that he must stop himself even thinking about it until he was at least 18. At one point she used to come into his room half an hour or so after he had gone to bed to check he wasn't "doing anything" [hmm}. I know this is still a VERY sore point with DH and he is desperate for the children to feel that having sexual thoughts or wanting to masturbate is normal, right, healthy etc - because he never felt like that.

I do take everyone's point that we go a bit far though . I think it may be a case of having gone from one extreme (MIL) to the other (us).

There IS child protection software on the downstairs PC - it's only really younger DCs that use it anyway - but DS knows the password to override it . I'll change it though tonight so there's no way he can access anything like that downstairs.

And I'm definitely going to get DH to have a serious talk with DS when they both get home from work, to find out both why he thought it was an acceptable thing to do, and whether there is any kind of problem that needs dealing with.

Course it could, as a couple of people have said, have been our younger DS (11) although if it was then the child protection software should have kicked in and stopped him. They were all quite "mild" websites iykwim though so I suppose it may have slipped through?

BM x

Omg, writing that all down has reminded me what a nutter MIL really is

I've never used net-nanny type software, so don't know if yours might allow access to what's on record. There's one way to find out though - try it yourself.

I can see why you are so liberal with a MIL like that! However I think it is possible to swing too far the other way.

OMG dont tell me you are swingers as well (LOL)

bm, kudos to you for not taking the hump

this thread did get a tad judgmental < holds hands up >

I think your 16 yo really needs a stern talking-to, tbh. Your younger dc need protecting.

erm, at 16 he is legally allowed to have sex, so what's your problem with him watching it?

I agree with the OP. It's ok for him to watch it but he needs to be aware that his younger siblings must not have access to it.

Maybe you could say to him that your putting parental controls on the PC now that his younger brother is getting into his teens, to protect him and say that if he wants to view anything that is blocked he will have to use his laptop. That way it's not specific enough to embarass him and he would feel like a grown up (which he very nearly is).

Would he take the hint?

In a recent study, 94% of on line porn was deemed either violent (verbally or physically) towards the woman or degrading - ejaculating over her face etc. With 1 in 2 boys unable to identify behaviour that would be classified as rape, think all parents with sons should be making sure their children are not using on line porn without a parent explaining why most of what they see is abusive and degrading to the girl featured.

If you have a 10 & 11 year old using a computer, then it should have parental blocks on it anyway to protect them from anything untoward coming up if they are doing a search. In my experience (DS now 14) it won't be long before your 11 year old is starting to search on random rude words he has heard in the playground. I have been amazed at the things my DS has typed into our family computer and the sites that have come up - with parental blocks on - but often they get the face picture of a site even if they cannot access the site completely.
I found some attempts to access 'interesting' looking sites by my DS last year and spoke to him about how the computer leaves a trail of what's been looked at - he was very embarrassed - even though I know he hadn't seen much!!

Er, this has been bumped from August 09!

Though I'd be interested in a link to the study; who deemed 94% of online porn violent or degrading? Who on earth has even seen 94% of online porn? Load of bollox.

I didn't notice the seemingly needless bump but yes, I'd love to know there the stats come from too?

I suspect probably the same study which says that 76.23232% of all statistics quoted on the Internet are bollocks.

I have just PM'd Vickiw1 asking for the survey details. I suspect we'll wait in vain....

I think being open about is the best. Don't make a big issue out it, just say, dude, please don't watch porn on the family computer as I don't want your siblings to stumble upon it, and leave it at that. You don't even have to wait for a response from him, but say thanks. You are sure that it is your DS and not DH?

Lol OldLady... indeed, who watches that much porn on the internet where it can be said that 94% in violent or degrading?

I got a reply; no details. There's a surprise.