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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

dont all tell me off

103 replies

changemenameforthis · 29/07/2008 21:48

my son has just found a girlfriend. only msn etc at the moment but i am so worried about him. hes my baby (16) and i not handling it very well. i have told him not to get to involved but dont know what else to say. would rather he waited till he much older.

OP posts:
Original poster
changemenameforthis · 30/07/2008 10:09

yeah thanks for that. brill advice. I AM NOT A TROLL.but dont really matter does it as you have all seemed to make up your mind. i have no intention of "fucking up his life", if i had i would have said all this to him. i will not be a crap mil, but i do no if i end up as one one day and i have a problem, i wont come on here for any help.i will just have to deal with my feelings alone. i wont bother you all again, and hope your relatonships with your own children stay as fab and well balanced as they all obviously are.

OP posts:
Original poster
changemenameforthis · 30/07/2008 10:11

trollop was out of order, it was late and i had got in bit of a state. i take that bit back. sorry

OP posts:
Hulababy · 30/07/2008 10:12

changemenameforthis - well, marrying the man I met at 16 really has not spoiled my life, seriously. And I have a very happy, fulfilled life, not boring at all. Just never felt the need to look elsewhere. Fortunately DH felt the same.

theSuburbanDryad · 30/07/2008 10:16

Well if you'd like to ignore all the constructive advice you've been given on here then by all means go off in a huff.

I can totally understand why you'd be upset. I'm dreading ds coming home with a girl (as he's 19 months i don't have to worry about that yet! ) but you do need to chill out and relax in front of your ds. If you tell him to stop talking to his girlfriend on MSN, or whatever, then you're going to drive him away. Seems simple enough to me!

bagsforlife · 30/07/2008 10:18

I think a lot of people on this site do not have teenage DCs yet and so do not really empathise with those that do! I can understand how you feel BUT he may not actually be having sex yet (yes, this is a possibility), she may not be a 'trollop' but is talking about things beyond her on MSN. A lot of teenage girls look more sexually experienced than they really are and if you don't have a DD they can look very predatory etc when they actually aren't at all, remember they are someone's DD too. Please try not to worry, keep the lines of communication open, advise re contraception (will be embarrassing but necessary) and she may turn out to be really nice. Agree with the poster who said she welcomed girls into all male household. Most of all don't panic, he will still continue education etc (girls can be v g for boys' education). Hope this helps a bit.

ThatBigGermanPrison · 30/07/2008 10:19

You need to keep your feelings about his girlfriend to yourself. Honestly, if you are finding it impossible to accept the idea, just don't talk about it at all.

No, I do not think 16 is too young to be having sex. I was having sex at 15 and 16 and I wasn't a trollop, I wasn't too young, I wasn't stupid and it was fun. My parents had the sense you leave a big pile of VD information on the bed and tell me not to trust pub machine condoms.

18 is far too old to be thinking about your first girlfriend - that's 5 or 6 years old adolescence with no release!

he isn't a baby - he is old enough to get married and have a baby of his own. He's old enough to get a job. He's not a child. Having a girlfriend will probably be the making of him.

Original poster
changemenameforthis · 30/07/2008 10:21

thankyou bagsforlife. i will take it easy, i only ever said dont go getting to involved you are onlly 15 and you have your whole life infront of you. i wont say anymore, just let it ride, but will talk contraception if i think it gets to that point.

OP posts:
Original poster
changemenameforthis · 30/07/2008 10:24

i was 18, before sex, never had any thougts of release, just enjoyed other things and hobbies. anyway, off to start work now and will try and put it to the back of my mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
changemenameforthis · 30/07/2008 10:24

i was 18, before sex, never had any thougts of release, just enjoyed other things and hobbies. anyway, off to start work now and will try and put it to the back of my mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
changemenameforthis · 30/07/2008 10:25

blody pc, has mind of its own, sorry to keep repeating each thread.

OP posts:
theSuburbanDryad · 30/07/2008 10:26

Boys are different when it comes to release!!

Why did you change your name for this, btw?

ranting · 30/07/2008 10:28

Erm why havent you already talked to him about contraception? 15 is way too late, I treat the contraception thing as an ongoing discussion and has been for some time in this house.

solo · 30/07/2008 10:29

Changemename. I think I'm possibly going to feel exactly the same in a few years time. Yes, my son is my baby too(10 very soon)and I just feel like I want to wrap him up away from all those girls out there. It's irrational - you know it, I know it, but it's tough to let them step into the cruel adult world. I'm quite protective of parts of my Ds's life. I'm trying to bring him up to have morals and and also aware of other aspects of life and I guess we do have to let out the apron strings sometime and let them dip their toe into the water. It's hard. It's life. We just have to be careful not to alienate them. I hope my Ds will feel that he can always come to me about anything.
Give your young man a little space to gain some of his first life skills CMNFT, but let him know that he can ask you anything he needs to know.

ranting · 30/07/2008 10:33

But you bring up children with the understanding that they will eventually find someone in life who is more important to them than you are. It is the way it should be, yes its a bit sad when it happens but I would hate to think that it would never happen.

SlartyBartFast · 30/07/2008 10:43

is she from school and jsut talking msn in the holidays?

AbbeyA · 30/07/2008 10:52

I don't think that you need to get upset because people don't agree.
I will always think of my DSs as my babies (privately)but the truth is they are not my babies. My job is to gradually give them independence and they have to make their own mistakes in life. You may want him to wait until he is 18 but you can't dictate, any more than you can dictate his choice of girlfriend.
I am very outspoken on these boards about the poor treatment of MIL but I think you are in danger of eventually becoming a difficult MIL. You have to accept that your years of being the most important person in his life are over and he will eventually settle down with someone who will be more important. If you are lucky it will be someone you can be friends with, if not you have to make the best of it.
There is nothing to say that he will immediately start a sexual relationship.
15 or 16 is not too young to have a girlfriend/boyfriend.
You will be much happier if you stop thinking he is too young, you will only alienate him and drive him to being devious,it is much better to get to know the girl-make her welcome in your house and take them out for the day etc.
Girls in our house are like a breath of fresh air and lovely to chat to.
You say that you will be a good MIL eventually but you need to start practising now!

fembear · 30/07/2008 11:25

Within reason, the younger they have boy/girl friends, the better. It's so much better to have a 'girlfriend' in Y7 where they simply hold hands for a day then split up. Better than waiting until you are 16 and feeling that you ought to be having sex with your first gf! Not good relationship training.
Let go gradually and gently. (Easier said than done: feel free to rant on here instead of ranting at him.)

Kewcumber · 30/07/2008 11:44

actually I wasn;t taking the piss - I thought you were joking when you said she was a tart and he was your baby! So I joined in flippantly. Your children won't always be your babies - they just won't in the same way that at 43 I am not my mothers baby and the lovely adult relationship we have wouldn't have been possible had she not been able to accept me growing up, having boyfriends, having sex to my own timetable not hers.

Of course I can empathise with feeling sad that your "baby" has got to the stage of dating girls. But going out with a girl at 15 is perfectly normal and all the amount of calling us immoral won't change that. FWIW I too didn't have sex until I was 18. I was still going out with boys from 15 - apparently it is possible to go out with a boy and not have sex. Not that I think there's anything wrong with sex, I rather like it myself and I'm not married

ranting · 30/07/2008 11:48

God I had a relationship with a 26 year old when I was 15 and I NEVER had intercourse with him. In fact I didn't lose my virginity until the ripe old age of 19. He used to pick me up and take me out for dinner/clubbingetc, then he came back to mine and sat and had coffee in the kitchen with me and my parents. I was with him for about a year, parents didn't bat an eyelid, always made him feel welcome at home but, of course they spoke to me about contraception etc. Obviously not during coffee with him though

bagsforlife · 30/07/2008 12:20

I think it is very difficult to know how you are going to react when your DCs grow up and have relationships. Before they are teens you spend your time remembering how you were as a teen, what fun it was,how hideous it was or whatever, but by the time they are teens YOU are a full on mother and it feels very different. Being the of the first generation to be proper 'teenagers' (i.e my mother wasn't a teenager, just left home, went to work, got married, according to her!),I am fully aware of all the pitfalls and sometimes 'horribleness' of being a teenager, mistakes I made and things I really wish I hadn't done. There is so much more pressure on teenagers these days with everything starting earlier, drinking, drugs, sex and a lot of peer pressure to conform. But lots of teenagers do have lovely relationships and have a fab time so it is very difficult to generalise. I think it is quite hard when it is your first child and you discover they are a lot more grown up than you previously thought, for whatever reason. Now the OP has to accept that he isn't her 'baby' although I don't think she really meant it like that, and has to move on to another stage in their life. I have really enjoyed my teenagers, try and embrace the girlfriend, invite her to your house but, warning, you may get to like her and then when your DS dumps her you'll never see her again!

mummylin2495 · 30/07/2008 15:00

you should be glad that your son is developing into a normal everyday teenager and welcome his girlfriend into your life.Im sure that he and his friends are only showing a healthy interest and its so exciting for them,dont let your negativity spoil his first romance,but do have a chat about contraception,before he decides to do the deed.He is 15yrs not 15 months,you have to let him go a bit.

unaccomplishedfattylegalmummy · 30/07/2008 15:37

Sorry he's not too young, I met my DH when I was 16 and moved in with him at that age.

lilolilmanchester · 30/07/2008 16:24

If people have little ones, they will think that 15 is really grown up and what's the fuss about, we had relationships (sexual or otherwise) at that age etc etc. However, even though you can't keep them as babies for ever, you still care for them as much as for babies and it's hard to think about your children embarking on all the emotional and health implications of young relationships. You might feel differently when yours are that age. Equally, some people might already have been through it and may or may not have experienced the same concerns as the OP. Whatever, I think calling troll is unnecessary. Yes, a little humour is in the spirit of MN. But try to have a little understanding folk. We Mums of older children don't all come on here and take the piss out of the threads which to us now seem laughable re weaning/feeding/tantrums etc. End of rant on OP's behalf!

2shoes · 30/07/2008 17:12

well I have a ds and he is 16. I think you have to accept at 15 he isn't your baby any more, he is a young adult. Having a girlfreind is just a natural part of growing up. calling a 15 yr old girl a trollop is a bit harsh imo.
my ds has a gf and she is lovely

2shoes · 30/07/2008 17:13

lilolilmanchester you make a very good point. 15/16 is not all grown up.

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