DS wants to leave school

[Teawithfrenchtoast]

My DS is almost 17 and is in S6 at school (Scotland). He’s decided that he’s had enough of school and wants to leave. He has a rosey idea of taking a year to himself, no schooling or college/uni and just working his existing weekend job. He would like to eventually join the forces but not for a year or two.

He’s completely disengaged at school, he skips classes with his friends and has told his teachers and guidance teacher that he has no intention of sitting any prelim exams in January, so school quite rightly are questioning why he is still enrolled there. He brought home a leavers form for us to sign a few weeks ago however I haven’t signed it - he also knows that he technically doesn’t need our permission to leave as he’s in S6. We have told him that we’ll agree to him leaving school if he has a mid week job, is in further education or has his application in for which ever force he wishes to join - he feels we are being unreasonable and are preventing him from being his own person and living his own life.

I am really concerned that he’ll leave school and waste his days sleeping in until late afternoon. He does this during school holidays. We live rurally and there is very little public transport. He can’t take driving lessons until he’s 17, and will then obviously need to learn to drive, pass his test and get a car. His friends live in different villages. DH and I both work so can’t ferry him round during day times. He’s not interested in looking for a mid week job as he again has a rosey view of just applying for the forces and breezing the assessments etc - he will not listen to reason about how mentally and physically challenging it can be during the application and training process, and it’s certainly not guaranteed that he’d get in, however I don’t doubt his abilities and do think once he’s in, he’d flourish.

im feeling at a loss with him. Its getting to the point where school will ask him to leave and he will be delighted to do so, but will then be bored still, jobless (apart from weekends) and nocturnal. He can’t just spend a year or two lazing about with no guarantee of a future career.

Could he ask his weekend job for hours during the week? That might feel more appealing to him rather than finding a new job entirely. Have you spoken to him about saving for driving lessons to allow him more freedom etc, as a motivator for getting the extra hours? Could you also raise to him the idea of joining the army cadets? I wouldn't be signing the form until he had the extra hours at work during the week and also joined something like cadets if his end goal is the forces, as that'll act as a push to applying.

This is a tricky one as you obviously don’t want to ask him to leave but he needs to understand that just leaving school with no plan for being a contributing member of society/your household is not an option.

If he’s planning on the forces the application needs to be completed and a daily gym program put in place.

The other 2 options are either a job with full time hours or fully engaging in his education.

I do think you are going to have to bring up the subject of rent and make it absolutely clear that dossing for a couple of years is not an option.

He can ask for more shifts at work but I don’t think there would be many. He works in a small cafe half an hour away, which would mean he’d still need DH or I to take him there and back.

He’s lost in a world of teen self confidence and thinking he knows everything, won’t listen to any advice or guidance from people with life experience. He does have money that he’s saved from working, but it won’t last long when it comes to driving. He tells me most of his peers have had cars bought for them and parents that have paid for all driving lessons and insurance…that won’t be happening here. We will pay for the first 10 driving lessons and he can use the money from his CTF to purchase a car when he’s 18 if that’s what he wants to do. It was the same for his older sibling.

His arrogance around wanting to leave school and have a ‘gap year’ is so frustrating!

If he wanted to stay living in my house he'd either need to be in full time education or full time employment, with the expectation that he paid rent. If he wanted to doss around for a year he'd have to make alternative living arrangements.

I won't have a 16 yo only working a few shifts.
Full time job or education.

When is the earliest he can apply to join the forces? Agree with the idea that he should stay in school until he has applied or has better work lined up. Or perhaps that he can leave when he has his driving licence? That might help to focus the mind when he starts lessons.

Otherwise I'd start charging him rent that is close to what he is getting from his weekend job, so that if he wants any sort of social life he will need to work more hours.

Who pays for his phone?

Does he do any cooking or household chores?

It's tricky.

I don't want an unemployed teen lying around all day (obviously), so I'm with you on this. I would tell him to lay out his plan for you in writing. How will his days be spent? Searching for work? Updating his CV? Taking some kind of course, or pursuing some kind of skill?

I'd probably point out to him that if he drops out of school and is not contributing financially to the rent and bills that as you and DH are working he will be expected to do all of the housework as his share. That you aren't both going off to work each day and returning to chores whilst he does nothing.

Write him a (long) list of daily jobs that he will need to do. Tell him women (and men) don't get to stay at home, lying in bed whilst someone else pays for everything. If he's going to be a SAH whatever, then the cleaning, cooking, laundry, toilet scrubbing etc will fall to him.

See how he feels about it then.

Surely one of the first things any recruiter will ask, on seeing he's been out of school for a year, will be what has he been doing in that time?

That's if he even gets as far as an interview.

Do recruiting offices still exist, or is there somewhere else he can go and talk to someone?

In England many colleges run uniformed services courses that are for teens intending to apply to the army/navy/lolice/similar.

might that be an option?

He sounds similar to my son do you have a MPTC in your area ? That will engage him and keep him in education

Also cadet force till 18 ?

Perhaps tell him he's of course free to leave school, in which case the following rules will kick in:

If he's voluntarily out of education, he needs to pay his way. So a real-world contribution to bills (gas, electric, internet, tv subscriptions, food, water rates, council tax). Also doing his own washing, cooking, cleaning and human maintenance. In other words - adulting.

So he either stays in school or enters the Real World Of Grown Up People. His choice.

Sit him down and have a proper talk with him. Show him how much a car, petrol etc will cost and how many hours he will need to work to cover it. Make it clear you will not be a taxi and he needs to pass his test as soon as he can. Having a year out is fine, with a plan but he will struggle financially if he keeps a weekend job. He probably needs a reality check. If he wants to join up then why not now?

Tell him what he will need to pay for board if not in full time education

We took him for an appt at the forces careers office a few months ago. He was hyped up and wanted to join, then suddenly decided he would join in a year or two instead so he could have a year to himself…we did give him a reality check that having a year to yourself doesn’t exist unless you’re extremely wealthy or have a firm, realistic and fully funded plan.

I know he’ll need to work, be an adult etc but while I don’t agree with the school questioning why he’s still there (as opposed to seeing can they help him re engage), do remember that old we were all young once, and all had the arrogance of assuming great snd lovely things would befall us

Take him to a careers event for the armed forces for a start. That’ll show him that armed forces don’t want stroppy, lazy teenagers and that he’ll have to step up if he wants to enlist. Then give him a bill for phone contract, internet use, food, heating, laundry. Oh, and don’t pay for him to take driving lessons!

Op thats hard, I actually don't know what I'd do.
If hes not working for the exams then school are likely to not put him forward for the Highers (makes their results look bad)

Is college an option for January

did he get decent results in S5?

@Newname26 Yes he did. He has Nat 5’s and Highers but no interest in continuing with his advanced higher courses. He doesn’t want to go to college or uni - he says he’s fed up of being in education.

The forces may not even want someone who has been deliberately skiving work and education for a year. He needs to buckle down and show them that he has some motivation, not a glass back.

There is an access to uniformed services course at college however the next course will run from August next year.

we have suggested the cadets but they meet in the evenings.

I no longer know much about the Scottish system, but when I was 16, I think all UK schools allowed people to leave at 16. And for some people that was very positive. Earning some money, learning life skills, and those who wanted to could go on to education in the future when they were ready.
That was a different time (yes, all of 20 odd years ago!) and there were lots of jobs. He should research whether that really is the case in your area now.

If hes really fed up he might be better getting a job rather than hanging on in school.
Places might be looking for Christmas staff.

As much as we all want our kids to do well, if they aren't interested then their isn't much you can do. I know times have changed but my S6 was a waste of time.

I ditched school off my CV years ago to cover it up.