15 year old taking risks-its bad

[Supercalib]

Having a terrible time with son age 15. ADHD, school refuser. Bought a moped but we reported to the police had previously been stolen, not by him. Has stolen our cars to drive in the middle of the night. Sneaks out. Started smoking weed. I’m losing the will with him and scared stiff. Sometimes he can have a conversation about it all and say whats right and wrong. I feel he is chasing a thrill and high but i’m scared daily, cannot sleep and ill with it feeling like a failure. I don’t know where to turn to.

Do you know a friendly copper?
Taking your car is theft. Get a copper to come around and scare the living s%^^ out of him.
Take him to visit a juvenile detention centre.
Actions have consequences...he needs to learn what the consequences of crime are.
Don't let ADHD excuse his behaviour because the big wide world will not.

What happened after he stole your car, in terms of consequences?

I’m not letting adhd excuse it, but the context is he is more probable to take risks and he lives by the moment. No, don’t know any friendly police we could speak to. Have felt like reporting him

Not sure I could do a visit at a detention centre do you know if they allow it?

Honestly. Speak to one of your community police. Call the non emergency number...I think it's 112 or something. They are usually really nice and friendly. Ask them to send a community cop around to have a chat.
School is more of a problem. I wish there were still the military schools like we had in South Africa. FAFO was their motto. Problem kids came out amazing. I know. My son went to one for a while.

I have a son with ADHD, and I have it too, risk taking is common behaviour, its a dopamine hit their body needs.

My son has settled now but he would drink, lie, steal stuff, skip school, start arguments.

I have settled now but would have got myself into unsafe scenarios with my risky behaviour back in the day.

You know why its happening, so let's look at the supports he has and you have.

Is he medicated?

Practically things to consider -

Lock away car keys
Have trackers in the car, one that alerts you would be good
Door alarms so you know when he is going out during the night

Have you tried calling some of the parent helplines - Youngminds, Family Lives, Frank (for drug use). Ask local/community police or school where you can get local help, be honest with them what he is doing and that you need help before it becomes a criminal record.

Is he under any help now, medicated?

If you are struggling with the stress see your GP for yourself, they might be able to support you too.

You need to speak to experts in this area to get professional support.

Get him to watch the recent series of Time

No not medicated. We went recently and he doesn’t see ADHD as a problem, he says its his personality and feels we’re being negative about him trying to get him to medicate. There doesn’t seem any other routes. Its 100% dopamine chasing and the lack of school is an issue, quite demand avoidant but I worry he is bored so its spiralled.

the neighbourhood police officer who I reported him to for the bike was really helpful. I am not sure of their scope I could try that. I have felt like reporting him driving, it is theft, he’ll also get a ban but then I worry that could prevent him achieving that milestone in the future and then he is bored again and turns to bad things. I’m trying for him to have a goal, to work to but he isn’t engaged in it.

I am honestly not well with it. I love him so much but he is breaking our hearts

Practical things, we got a safe and lock keys away
have ring and cctv
have a car tracker that I can check if car parked
he shared location so I can see that. Sometimes in arguments turns it off but then back in when we talk when things are calmer
i restrict money
i try and talk to him retrospectively when its calmer
i share news articles with him when we’re together about accidents/events where someone was hurt etc through this behaviour
i engage with school on attendance and early intervention
cahms involved but pretty narrow outside only offering a prescription for medication

That is brilliant series, but it can't be that bad, surely?

I’m appreciative the suggestion of a series but he won’t relate to it. He loves for the moment, doesn’t think far ahead and thinks things will always be ‘alright’

has anyone got or had similar experiences? I think getting the police to speak to him about the bike and behaviour might help

Ive had similar to my son and tbh police chats or series or visits to detention centres which I dont think you can do would not work.

It was an ongoing quest to mitigate the risk to be as low as possible, persuade the medication to happen, find other dopamine inducing things and work with school and cahms to see what we can do as a team.

I always say I have genuinely ive aged 10 years and am not the same person.

Neither is he, he is 21 now and just finishing university and settling to life well but there are some moments still and he will need to continue with support with counselling and medication.

I wish there was a one fix all resolution but there isnt. You are taking the right steps about the car, the police is up to you, it may be out of your hands if they stop him any way.

Thril seeking hobbies that are legal might help. My brother has ADHD and he ended up in a specialist residential school as a teen where they did a lot of outdoor activity, rock climbing, canoeing etc. It made a big difference.
Would your DS try something like that or boxing, go-karting?
Does he have an EHCP? A practical course might be best for him, joinery, brick work etc

Get him to watch the latest series of Time set in a youth offenders institute.

Never mind a friendly copper - report him now! He could kill some one or himself. By not doing this you’re masking the problem and in legal terms could even be seen as perverting the cause of justice.

Why on earth haven’t you done this already?

Look at mentoring, a good mentor who can be a friend but also offer sound advice but not from a parental perspective is one of the best things I did for my son

Look its not easy and clearly we’re struggling so beating me up doesn't help

I'm not sure I could report it OP. It's easy for an outsider to say report it but when that's your son who is already struggling I imagine you'd want to avoid the risk of a criminal record, potential young offenders institute, break down in an already strained relationship. You're in a really difficult position.

I reported him when he drove a moped with jo helmet or license, do tou know what the police did, nothing. They called me up at the end of the day and asked had he returned, which he had then said boys will be boys. When I went to the station the second time noted above at firt they said no crime had been committed as the bike was at home. It took me to get the VIN number and ask them to review for them to pick it up. I know the car is different its in the middle of the night in roads arouns the house. But I have tried its a big step to take I appreciate I am wrong and I don’t feel good or comfortable about anything. Reporting him doesn’t fix the root issues.

This is it, plus coupled with that prolonging getting a license in the future too worries me about if he will give up. Walking in the station to report him for the moped was hard. The police said they would say they saw it on social media to protect us and advised keeping the relationship as intact as possible as he is vulnerable essentially. I’m not saying I am right its very hard to feel settled on anything we do or him.

Sorry, I appreciate what you’re saying about his ADHD, but it doesn’t sound like you gave any particular consequences for stealing your car for a joyride?

Because I’d have gone nuclear - not in terms of anger but in terms of consequences. Because the consequence if he’d crashed a car he was driving illegally, god forbid killing someone, would be severe and he doesn’t seem to understand that.

He did have consequences, he then calms
down and you can talk to him about it and he seems to get it. Then its calm and then he does something else.

thats the issue he doesn’t think it will happen to him

Would he do risk taking sports instead? Hand gliding, climbing, etc.