How do you step back from fixing everything for teenagers?

[KeenLemonPanda]

How do you deal with trying to take a step back from wanting to solve all your teens problems? I miss the days when mine were little and a cuddle made everything better!
Now DS is 14, and it's not so easy.
Latest issue is last week he tells me someone from school having a Halloween party, he's really excited all his friends and him are going. Talking about it for ages. I bring it up today, says he's not going. Won't say why. Told me he never said he was going!! (He did)
In the end he mutters something about they didn't income last year so why should I go this year.
I was so excited for him, would be his first proper party (other than bday parties) but I can't solve this or make him change his mind. I'm hoping he does but god I struggle with just wanting to fix whatever has happened!! Any tips welcome! My heart will break for him on the night if he doesn't go, watching everyone on social media have fun and him sitting at home. I know it would be his choice but I just want him to enjoy his childhood!

Sounds like he’s not invited.

I also think he's been told he's not invited or he's fallen out with one of the stronger characters from his friend group.

He’s not been invited.

bite your tongue and drink wine

Back off, back right off. You are putting so much pressure on him. Being interested is fine, give him space to talk to you if he wants to. But don’t make him responsible for your happiness as well as his own.

Just step away

I'd also bet that he's not invited.

Don't pry. But maybe ask him if he wants some mates over that night to watch some scary films/have a fire pit BBQ type thing instead.

Prob fallen out with someone

Yeah he’s assumed everyone in the year is invited when they’re not. And sadly, he’s not.

How would op be making him responsible for her own happiness by asking how is best to support her upset teen?

the pareht of the DC hosting has probably put a cap on numbers and he’s not made the cut..

I agree that something has happened that he doesn't want to share with you.

You can help fix it by modelling how to behave when things don't go your way and dealing with disappointment/being grateful for what you have.

Also modelling respect for others who don't want to share by giving him space and allowing him to come to you when he is ready.

Finaly by modelling doing something nice for someone if they are a bit down in the dumps. I often do one of my kids chores for them when I know they are sad or buy them a little treat from the shops.

He was invited, at least at the start, he showed me the messages/invite. But yes I agree there may be something that's happened since then and now the invite doesn't stand. However, knowing my son he's also extremely sensitive and takes everything so personal, that it could be something as simple as people discussing their costumes, no one asking him what he's wearing so suddenly he decides he's not going, which is frustrating.

It is not frustrating, you are struggling to stay in an adult role here, you are becoming inappropriately frustrated.

Say to him today 'I've been thinking about this party - you are the one who knows best about your own social life, because you're living it. If you don't go to that party, do you want us to watch a film or something?'

Earlier you said: My heart will break for him on the night if he doesn't go, watching everyone on social media have fun and him sitting at home. I know it would be his choice but I just want him to enjoy his childhood! Way too dramatic from you. Kids manage all sorts. Maybe he doesn't want to go. Maybe he's not invited. Your job is to support him to become secure in himself.

Bright and breezy is the way to go.

Don't mention the bloody party again. Don't suggest alternatives. Don't monitor him on Halloween. He'll learn to manage his emotions and navigate disappointment if he has a mum who doesn't catastrophise or keep trying to fix things.

It's not easy, OP, but you can do it!

It is frustrating as in, not just this isolated incident but that he takes everything so personal, it's hard to explain in writing really. Even on holiday, he would come and ask someone if they wanted to go to the waterpark for example, they might say yeah let me just finish my drink and we can, and he would just walk off and go himself. It's really frustrating to think this is how he acts with friends!
I also don't think it's dramatic to be sad that your child is missing out on something. Clearly heartbroken is just a turn of phrase and I'm actually not going to be sat there crying!!
Of course he will manage, I just want him to enjoy himself and hate the thought of him missing out for no real reason. (If that's the case)

Anyway thanks all. Seems I'm hugely in the minority and this wouldnt bother any other parents. I Will get a grip, back off and not mention it again.

Does your DS seem to take things people say and do negatively, struggle socially and with his social skills? (Your posts seem to ‘drip feed’ information suggesting these things).

If so, understandable you’re concerned about it and wanting to help him if you can.

That isn’t her question though. Her question is how to take a step back.

I agree with @JuneSoonthat you shouldn’t talk about it any more or try to get involved with his Halloween. It is hard, one of my dd is easy socially and the second dd is like a cactus with a stick of dynamite inside.

This; but it is easier saying than done; as parents we always want them to be happy which is impossible as life is full of ups and lows.

Good Luck; it is hard not to worry about your children when they are struggling with something.

I don’t think it’s that it ‘wouldn’t bother any other parents’ and it’s not about getting a grip either, it’s about allowing him to find his own way through and becoming more independent.

You being ‘so excited for him’ and bringing it up five weeks in advance maybe too much for him to manage or perhaps he feels like you were trying to take it over a bit. If you were involving yourself in costumes for example he may just have felt like he couldn’t align your expectations with the more ‘grown up Halloween’ reality of the party. This is a part of the pulling back.

A couple of years ago if he was going to a Halloween party you would have been very much a part of it, getting a werewolf mask from Sainsbury’s or whatever he wanted. Now, if he’s anything like mine, he wants to throw red paint over his shoes and spend the next few weeks making an inappropriate papier mache axe. I have absolutely no idea how to spell that!

I think it can be mortifying for a teen if they feel you are assessing their social life even if you mean well and it comes from a good place.

Kindly, your DS is going to be spending a lot of time over the next few years maturing and learning how to socially interact. It sounds like he already finds it hard. Only a few teens actually have a great time, there's genuinely a lot of angst and mortification for most of them.
I'm going to suggest an entirely different tactic. I'd be encouraging him to do activities that foster self esteem - sports, clubs, volunteering - all great ways to socialise and learn skills often in more structured ways that could suit someone with slightly fragile temperament.
Listening is the skill teen parents have to learn and not offering unsolicited advice. It is hard. Take him for a drive through drink or snack, watch something together on TV that he likes. You won't be his main source of social interaction now but ensure you keep a solid channel open for him.

Jesus no, don’t mention the party again, just drop it entirely this is still prying and making a thing of it.

This is a more insightful way of recognising what has likely happened in his reaction to something about the party.

I wouldn’t mention this particular thing again but watch this behaviour in general, sounds like he needs to develop a bit more patience and understanding that not everything happens on his timeframe.

You show you care by listening well and always being available to listen.

You talk him thru his choices,
(actually he does most the talking),
so then he knows you're a good person to bring his problems to,
and will keep talking to you about his life.

Otherwise, you encourage him to try to find his own best solutions and let him know you're happy to help when he decides how you should help.

People are a lot happier with whatever is the outcome, when they perceive they learnt from their mistakes or they learnt skills useful for making future decisions or at least they know they tried to do the best thing: friend said that's the secret to not having regrets.

Your role is becoming to help him make good decisions, not to solve his problems for him.