How do you step back from fixing everything for teenagers?

[KeenLemonPanda]

How do you deal with trying to take a step back from wanting to solve all your teens problems? I miss the days when mine were little and a cuddle made everything better!
Now DS is 14, and it's not so easy.
Latest issue is last week he tells me someone from school having a Halloween party, he's really excited all his friends and him are going. Talking about it for ages. I bring it up today, says he's not going. Won't say why. Told me he never said he was going!! (He did)
In the end he mutters something about they didn't income last year so why should I go this year.
I was so excited for him, would be his first proper party (other than bday parties) but I can't solve this or make him change his mind. I'm hoping he does but god I struggle with just wanting to fix whatever has happened!! Any tips welcome! My heart will break for him on the night if he doesn't go, watching everyone on social media have fun and him sitting at home. I know it would be his choice but I just want him to enjoy his childhood!

replies aren’t saying this wouldn’t bother them. They are saying you are making it worse potentially by thinking you can fix this.

they are saying yes its difficult, but you need to hold tight & stop mentioning it. instead create space for him to approach you when/if he wants to talk about stuff.

I totally get it OP! I would be the same.

Teenage friendship issues are brutal. I would encourage your son to build resilience - maybe something like martial arts sports outside of school? Would he be interested? My daughter does a sport where you need a really thick skin as you constantly deal with disappointments and set-backs and some tough mean people. It definitely helped her become very strong and resilient and not to take things to heart.

It’s also good having another option of friends met at an activity. Dd2 had a tough year 8 and her friends at her out of school activity were a great comfort and confirmation she was not the problem! She became super popular and is inviting the lovely dance friends to her 18th.

Agree with back off comments. However I would also be removing social media as it’s clearly contributing and is known to be bad for kids mental health.

Which sport is that?

I agree with some of this but please don't use the 'bright and breezy' voice. I can remember my own mum using this on me and I have a friend who uses it on her children. It makes my teeth itch every time I hear it and everyone knows it false.

It is difficult OP as they get older and there's no right way to handle it because all teens are different. I found with mine that commiserations with them (hugs if they're into it) and then trying to distract often work, like you would with another adult in fact.

Showjumping. You build a lot of resilience 😂

Horse riding?

This sort of thing really upsets me as a parent, and the reason why is because I was this teenager when I was younger. I took everything so personally (still do tbf) and really struggled with friendships. My mum pretty much left me to it and I wish she'd at least pretended to care or tried to help. I used Mindful Kids books with my DCs when they were experiencing issues with self esteem, anxiety and friendship, although at 14 your DS might find them a bit young.

It is hard to get it right for a parent; too much involvement; not involvement at all. I have a DC who also takes things to heart; I care deeply about their feelings; but trying not to fix their problems; just be there to offer love, support, someone they can talk to.

You just want to see your kids happy which isn’t always possible,