How to handle teenage daughter?

[unbaguettesivousplait]

My DD17 has battled mental health issues and can be quite shy and introvert. Last night we had some new friends and their young children over for dinner. I had pre-warned her that we had friends and kids over so she was prepared to walk in to a bus household. However when she walked in (with her boyfriend in tow) she just stared at everyone and when I greeted her with a hug (which is totally normal for us) she gave me her shoulder and pulled away instantly. She then ran upstairs and didn’t come back down until they all left. Afterwards she made comments about them being posh and pulled a funny face saying they uncomfortable. I just said don’t be silly, told her how nice they all were and left it at that. I get that coming into your home full of strangers (to her) is a bit weird for a teen but I’m so disappointed about how rude and judgemental she was. She’s always the first to point out anyone else’s pre judgement and is fiercely protective of her friends from different walks of life. She has also been the butt of a lot of her peers jokes for being ‘posh’ herself so I am was so disappointed in her reaction. Just to say one of my new friends is very well spoken but is definitely not snobby or judgemental at all. She’s the most laid back, and kind person I’ve ever met! So I’m just wondering how others would handle this? Should I remind her to be respectful and open minded when meeting new people or just leave it and put it down to her feeling overwhelmed and uncomfortable? Oh I should also say they all said hello when she walked in and my dd5 and ds5 ran up to her for a hug immediately too.

My friend and I were recently discussing changes in societal norms with young people now. We both have 8yr old daughters so substantially younger than your daughter. But we've observed that younger generations seem to have broken that mould of people pleasing that was drilled into us elder milennials, even to our discomfort and detriment. Its not a bad thing, they will voice real opinions and won't fake nice just to appease others. Your daughter said hello so she wasnt rude but she clearly just didnt want to fake social interactions she wasnt interested in. I can respect that and its one thing I feel we can learn from young people.

Seems like I'm the odd one out here but I would pull her up on it after guests left. I'd explain how rude it is not not acknowledge people, even a simple smile and saying Hi would have sufficed. As for the judgment part of pulling faces and saying they're posh id also point out the fact she didn't like being called posh and doesn't like judgement.. it's give and take and learning the world doesn't revolve round them. But seems like everyone is on the "she was overwhelmed" band wagon so maybe my approach is a bit different

I don’t think this is a big deal at all.

This generation don’t seem to be doing the “fake politeness/small talk with people they don’t know or want to interact with” thing and good for them tbh.

She said hello. These people may be your friends but they’re strangers to her. I’d just leave it and put it down to her being a teenager. Doesn’t sound abnormal.

I think a LOT depends on the norms and expectations in your household. Had you specifically asked her to join the group for dinner? Or is she normally expected to have dinner with the family if she's home? Was her boyfriend invited/welcome too?

If I were one of the guests, having never met your children before, I wouldn't think much about the fact that the younger children were present but the older one just said hello and went upstairs. I wouldn't feel that she had been rude to ME. As far as the comments afterwards, I'd take them less seriously and maybe just say that you don't find these new friends "posh" and point out to her in passing that she didn't stay long enough to see how they were beyond a very brief mostly visual impression. But if she specifically said that hey made her uncomfortable (I may be misinterpreting that part as I think there are a few words missing) I would talk to her more about that and find out why.

Maybe if she had mentioned it to her friends and boyfriend they had been extra taking the piss out off her. So she was embarrassed and highly sensitive when she walked in with her boyfriend.

Oddball. Don't stand for nonsense like this.

Well, if it were me, I couldn’t care less what DD thought of my friends (as long as not something dangerous) , she’s entitled to her own opinions. I’d just tell her that and it’s fine, she doesn’t have to socialise or hang out with them , but she does have to be respectful and at least say hello (and then run up to her room).

You really think it’s a good thing for society for everyone to only consider their own feelings and desires and put them above everyone else’s?

Because that’s the foundation for a pretty unpleasant society.

I think if you don't struggle with this stuff you struggle to understand how much effort and discomfort this kind of forced social interaction with people engenders. And how being made to do it all the time despite your discomfort adds layers to the feeling that you are constantly wrong and out of place.

It's easy enough for NT people to say 'it's easy enough to say hello and chat for a few minutes'. Well, it isn't always.

Just like I can say 'it's easy enough to accept your kid finds it difficult and you don't and the constant effort of doing it is exhausting for them even if not for you.' but actually I know it isn't easy to accept that because it goes against all your own social training. But much nicer to live in a world where you don't have to feel like an "oddball" all the time as @Bargarran so charmingly puts it.

I have found Pete Wharmby's videos on this stuff really useful if people are interested (and don't just want to call other people oddballs).