How to handle teenage daughter?

[unbaguettesivousplait]

My DD17 has battled mental health issues and can be quite shy and introvert. Last night we had some new friends and their young children over for dinner. I had pre-warned her that we had friends and kids over so she was prepared to walk in to a bus household. However when she walked in (with her boyfriend in tow) she just stared at everyone and when I greeted her with a hug (which is totally normal for us) she gave me her shoulder and pulled away instantly. She then ran upstairs and didn’t come back down until they all left. Afterwards she made comments about them being posh and pulled a funny face saying they uncomfortable. I just said don’t be silly, told her how nice they all were and left it at that. I get that coming into your home full of strangers (to her) is a bit weird for a teen but I’m so disappointed about how rude and judgemental she was. She’s always the first to point out anyone else’s pre judgement and is fiercely protective of her friends from different walks of life. She has also been the butt of a lot of her peers jokes for being ‘posh’ herself so I am was so disappointed in her reaction. Just to say one of my new friends is very well spoken but is definitely not snobby or judgemental at all. She’s the most laid back, and kind person I’ve ever met! So I’m just wondering how others would handle this? Should I remind her to be respectful and open minded when meeting new people or just leave it and put it down to her feeling overwhelmed and uncomfortable? Oh I should also say they all said hello when she walked in and my dd5 and ds5 ran up to her for a hug immediately too.

Did she ignore her siblings, who ran to her for a hug as well?

No she gave them hugs and said hello in her usual happy and smiley way.

I wouldn't tell her off but I would talk to her about it, ask her why she felt uncomfortable, what was it that made her run off, is everything okay with her? Don't get drawn into debating how nice your friends are and whether they are posh or not.

Did she say hello to anyone at all (besides siblings)?
Hello and ran or just ran?

Agree with PP not to raise about your friends etc

I’d 100% point out her rudeness though … not bothered about how old she is,
still rude behaviour and at a minimum you point out

So why do you think, that she just ignored everybody else, instead of just saying a general hello, to the room, and then leaving? You know her best.

I genuinely think she was a bit overwhelmed and her boyfriend being with her added to it. She’s been with him for over a year and had been to our house quite a lot though. I don’t think that can excuse her rudeness though.

I told her to say hi and she did very briefly before scurrying upstairs.

It’s a teen thing, most people understand. She sounds alright and still gave hugs etc. I bet there was some truth in what she said about the friend being posh!

My daughter has asd and this is her usual mode of being. She does try but it's hard for her. It has been a lesson for me because I was brought up to be VERY polite and performative but when you start thinking about it, being allowed to behave in a way that is natural for you/ comfortable rather than as your parents would like so they save face is a much pleasanter way to live your life, ND or NT.

Having said that, being judgy about poshness is annoying but I suspect she is deflecting something about how she felt about her behaviour i.e that she found it difficult to engage with the people in her house (for whatever reason, I'm not diagnosing her with anything).

Thanks so much for this. It’s interesting to hear your perspective as we do wonder about ASD. She often jokes that she has a ‘touch of the tism’.

I’m not quite sure from your post what you’re more annoyed about. Her lack of interaction with your guests or her judgement of them?

I think you need to help her work out a different way of handling what was an extremely uncomfortable situation for her (nobody is at fault) my 14 year old daughter can come across as quite rude in a social situation but I’ve been speaking with her about how we can deal with it better.
I wouldn’t actually tell her off tbh, she just needs some help working it out that’s why she became so defensive

That’s not as bad as totally ignoring.

She found the situation difficult OP, as many teens would. You described her as being shy and an introvert and as having had some MH difficulties so it doesn’t surprise me she got a bit overwhelmed.

I’d have a chat with her, but wouldn’t be judgemental or cross. It won’t help. Is there anything that would help build her confidence? (I’d appreciate any tips from posters in this regard too as one of my teens is also very shy.)

Why does it matter? I asked the question because I am interested to know other people perspectives on how they would deal with the situation as a whole. I don’t want my daughter to feel uncomfortable in her own home but I also don’t want her to be judgemental or disrespectful to others.

I think she mentioned that she felt they were posh to explain why she felt intimidated by them and why she fled.
It was offered as explanation rather than judgement?

This is why I asked the question. I genuinely want to know other people’s perspectives so I do appreciate your response.

She said hi and then went upstairs. That is not particularly unusual for teenagers. She isn't really being judgemental, she is just making up an excuse for her inadequate social skills which is something many of us do when we know we haven't been the confident socialiser that we would like to be. She will probably grow out of it.

Personally l would remind her to be respectful and open minded when meeting new people. Her response was rude. Sounds like she is allowed to bring friends e.g. the boyfriend to the house so why can’t you

Am I missing something…I don’t see rudeness. I see a teen who didn’t want to socialise with your friends, and she shouldn’t need to.

I don’t know why you needed a hug, I can’t think of anything worse, I don’t need people touching me all of the time.

She was kind to her siblings and said hi and gave hugs, then went to her own room. I don’t see the issue at all.

Also, don’t say things to her like ‘don’t be silly’ - it belittles her. My family used to tell me I was being silly when things triggered me, but it isn’t silly to the person being triggered.

I hadn’t seen her for 5 days (and she always hugs me) that’s just how we are. She only said hi once she was walking out of the room and I asked her to! I didn’t expect her to sit and socialise at all. Oh and I realised about the ‘silly’ comment once I’d said it. I understand that come across as belittling her feelings but I was trying not to come across as angry.

At the bare minimum, she should at least say hello to your friends, without you needing to tell her to do so, when encountering them at home. She had been forewarned, after all. That should not be too much to ask. No one is expecting her to hold court with them.

Yeah the silly comment makes sense then, it’s just a really poor choice of language.

The reason I commented was just because as a young adult (a little older than a teen) I struggled a lot with knowing my place in things, like with anxiety and I didn’t like touching etc, a bit uncomfortable in my own skin. I’m well medicated now, and I am a totally different person and probably don’t even need the meds, but back then it was hard and people didn’t get it.

It’s likely that she will be fine, but just needs space to feel and be awkward for a while. It’s not a failing in your parenting or in her manners…many people on mumsnet will say it’s one or the other. She is a teen and unless she is doing something that is actually bad, she likely just needs some slack being cut.

If she has ASD, it would be easier for her if you tell her give her what is generally accepted in a social setting and what you’d like her to do. People with ASD don’t necessarily just learn things automatically.

Yes, she acted shyly, which may have looked a little rude, however, she did say hello even if prompted.

In your place, I would discuss this sort of thing beforehand. And remind her the day the visitors arrive. They probably just thought she was shy. It’s not that deep. As for saying they’re too posh, isn’t this just another way of saying she was intimidated?

Well different families have rules about these kind of things but personally I would have been mortified and pretty cross.

My teenagers would be expected to come in, be introduced to everyone and at minimum to stay to chat politely for a few minutes.

The golden rule is that you can’t help how you feel but you can help how you behave.

Manners are very important life skills. She’s 17, she should understand that it’s ok for her to occasionally cope with being “uncomfortable” for a few minutes in order to make guests feel comfortable. It’s a skill which will help her in other areas of her life.