How can I support my daughter after being excluded from the post-exam holiday?

[dottieautie]

I’d posted in ND mumsnetters and no one responded so I thought I’d try here. I’m autistic myself and don’t navigate socially too well.

My eldest leaves school next summer. The final year group have a tradition of going on holiday after the exams and loads of kids all go. My daughter has looked forward to this for years but now she has no one to room share with. The place they’re going only do rooms of two and one of them needs to be 18 to book with the company everyone is going with and she will only be 17 (I’m told I can’t go to be the 18yo -thankfully). We discovered by booking separately or not through a package deal she could book the same flight and hotel for the same dates at 17, so she returned to her group of friends to tell them this and they told her it wouldn’t work. They’ve gone ahead and booked without her.

My heart breaks for her. It sounds to me from their responses like they don’t want her there but aren’t ballsy enough to say it outright. She’s high masking Audhd and none of her friends know this. She’s very sociable and loves to party with her so called friends so she doesn’t really stand out that I can tell as different, except she has no bestie.

How do I support her through this? She thought these girls were her people and now she’s seeing they’re not. She’s missing out on something she’s looked forward to for six years as a legendary high school leaving experience and nothing we suggest is acceptable.

how do I help her through this hurt and the next year of school with all these people planning this bloody holiday?

I know from friends with older teenagers that this isn’t an uncommon problem when one person won’t have turned 18 in time for the post-exams holiday. DS (who started school in a country that starts school earlier) is nearly eighteen months younger than some of his friendship group, and is aware he’ll be in the same situation when he leaves school.

I’m surprised to hear you say you found the hotel would let an unaccompanied 17 year old stay, though. I thought that was pretty rare.

Parents can’t tell if someone stands out. You aren’t there at school or in the nights out.

my dd is AuDHD and she does stand out.

i’m presuming from what you have written that she needs an 18 year old to be in the room with her. I’m guessing that some will be 18 and some 17.

honestly it’s quite unlikely they are doing it to deliberately exclude her it’s more likely there are only a limited number of 18 year olds and so only a limited number of 17 year olds can go and so quite a few will miss out.

Not sure if I’m missing something and I know it would be more expensive but could she not book the package deal on her own? If it’s to the exact same place and they will allow 17YOs and then she just has her own room and potentially on a different flight but will be on the holiday with everyone else? Or if this is a school tradition is there not another odd numbered friendship group that she could buddy up with to even up the numbers? I know not quite the same as pairing with a best mate but surely it’s better than not going at all?

OP says they were going to do this but her dd’s friends made it clear “it wouldn’t work”, in other words they didn’t want her there.

It’s horrible OP, I do feel sorry for your dd. Could you ask her what type of family holiday she would like? Let her pick and plan it?

Have they all
paired up already?

could it be that they want to do stuff and bring 17 might hold them back? As in no one wants to be responsible if they’re in a group knowing one is 17?

It’s very difficult but it could be worse if your daughter went on the holiday and they excluded her then and started bullying or teasing spiking her drinks etc for a laugh.

the holiday is for the end of NEXT school year though, so surely the vast majority of Y13 (or the equivalent if OP isn't in Eng/Wales) will have turned 18 by June/July. Surely at least half the group, which is all they need. It would be unusual for a group of, say 7 girls to have at least 4 whose birthdays were in the last quarter of the (school cut off) year.

It can't be that they need to be 18 to book now for the trip in a year's time, as none of them will be 18 yet.

I really feel for her, OP, it's a shit situation. Maybe she can get to know some other people this year, one of them might be in need of an extra person too, and even if not, you're right it does sound like these girls aren't great friends, if you came up with an option and they didn't agree with it. Although tbh I don't really see how they could have stopped her from just booking herself in her own room.

When I was 18 my friends organised a girls holiday for the end of school. If I'm being honest there was 1 girl in the group who (looking back now) who we knew would not enjoy the holiday (it was a typical girls party trip to malaga and she didn't like drinking or going out late, could be very stubborn, didn't like 'foreign' food etc), but we wouldn't have dreamed of not inviting her, even though it would have probably been more enjoyable!

That's horrible and it's tough to get through that sort of situation. I wouldn't encourage her to book at the same time as them, because then she could be excluded or bullied whilst there.

How about a separate trip with you or just a single friend? Could she wait til 18 (if that's not too far off) and do a holiday herself? Look at intrepid.com for the 18-35 holidays, they are amazing. DS has loved them since he was 18

Is part of the issue that they’re planning to go to over 18+ venues, not just stay in accommodation that needs someone to be 18+? If that’s the case, including a 17 year old could completely change the holiday they had planned. As painful as it must be for your daughter, I don’t think it’s unreasonable that they don’t want to completely rearrange the holiday on that basis.

That’s a sad conclusion and I think unfortunately you might be right especially if she would be the only still 17YO by the time the trip rolls around so wouldn’t be able to go to over 18 venues. I was hoping it was more just the normal teenage thoughtlessness and that they rejected the package because it was more expensive and they didn’t need to do it that way but they’re all still mates and would be very happy to have OP’s DD join, after all it isn’t a friendship group specific thing by the sounds it and something most of the school does as an unofficial leavers trip.

It’s a long way off. Tell DD a lot could change between now and then.

In the meantime, encourage her to make friends outside of the school group. Maybe there will be someone else she can go away with? Or a whole other group through a club?

I have annual trips abroad with my hobby group that are sod all to do with the hobby!

Its very common. My DS is one of the oldest and has been asked to share a room with 3 others who will all be 17. In theory I have no problem but it also means he's responsible for them which I don't agree with. Ive explained this to him and the younger lads parents and that before I pay for ds to go I want confirmation that they or their dc will pay if they incur any charges. 1 parent wouldn't confirm so now unfortunately my DS will be sharing with other 18yo.
The holiday isn't to next July so theirs only 7 not old enough to go, and the other 4 have all secured rooms with the 18 y.o.

This is really gard for your DD OP. Reading this reminded me of something similar that something that happened to me at school. It stung, but if I remember correctly I adjusted friendships and we kind of formed a sub-group and had a holiday anyway.

I'm not sure of your family situation but could you plan a trip just the two of you? Somewhere where you would both like to go? That could be a good opportunity to get some time together before she starts a new chapter.

End of school/leaving cert holidays are a big thing in Ireland. But your DD is a year away from this holiday right? I'll bet on this friend group falling out before anyone gets on a plane. And by the time she gets to Easter she may have made new friends and could go away with them.
However my ND DD signed up for Camp America to avoid the whole holiday drama, made great new friends and loved it.

Thanks all.
so to answer a few questions I remember off the top of my head - in her ‘friends’ group there will be three who are 18 and three who are 17 not including her. She’ll be one month away from turning 18. Half the year will be 17 and half 18 (not England so school year for ages runs March to Feb). Her being 17 isn’t the problem from a social outing aspect only in the contract law aspect for this particular company, EasyJet, who will allow her to book her own independent flight at 16 just not a package deal.

I contacted the hotel directly and they will accept a 17 year old making an independent booking but the travel company the rest have booked with require the lead booker to be 18 for contract law reasons. They decided each room would have its own lead rather than one person being responsible for two room bookings.

She doesn’t want an alternative holiday. I even suggested we went to the Caribbean or New York instead both dream destinations for her but she wants this trip. She’s saying she’ll go alone if she has to (she won’t because im not paying for that)

The not being old enough to legally go to clubs etc won’t be an issue because where they’re going loads of kids from 16 on go without ID and still get in places. It’s quite common and I’m not worried about her in that respect.

My concern is they don’t really want her there and this is how they’re telling her without being direct. I’m concerned she books anyway with her own money and then discovers while out there that they don’t want her being there but she’s autistic and stubborn and won’t listen to me as I’m old and know nothing about being young apparently. Any attempt to talk to her about it gets her wound up.

It does look like she has been excluded. Is there anyone in the group she is particularly close to who she could ask in confidence about it? Or is there someone else they would accept going to round out the numbers?

It’s not a nice situation, but it would almost be worse if she went out there and was treated like a spare part. Hopefully she will find her real people in time.

What a shitty situation you have our sympathy.
Do you know any of the parents of the girls well enough to have a conversation?
If so I would give a call and just ask the questions that everyone is asking here.

There may well be a solution and if it is just certain girls being mean and deliberately awkward hopefully you can get to the bottom of it.
X

Unfortunately a lot of autistic people have traits and behaviours that others do not like. Some neurotypical people also have traits and behaviours that others may find annoying. A free society means we may choose to exclude the annoying people from our friendship or social groups. Maybe it is tough for autistic people, but I for one do not want to be compelled to have someone I find unpleasant in my friendship group. I may choose who I invite to my house, who I go on holiday with and who I socialise with, as may you.

It’s as simple as that. The fact that your daughter is autistic does not mean that these girls have to invite her on holiday. They may not like her, they may find her annoying. The strictures of inclusion that govern school are over (I.e. they are adults now), so help your daughter get over it and work on developing some better social skills.

It’s people like you that make me realise what a horrible world we live in. It’s a school year holiday not just a single group of friends but these are thecpeople
sue knows the best and she thought were her friends. I hope one day you’re excluded for being a character utilising narcissistic tendencies and see how it feels

It’s no wonder teens can be so mean when they are brought up surrounded by comments like this. There are nicer ways of saying things. I’ve often wondered why teen girls especially can be so mean, but comments like this help explain it. The OP isn’t saying her daughter must be invited; she’s trying to help her get over the upset.

Gosh what a tricky one OP.

I wouldn’t want her going on her own at 17 not as a package trip. I do think you’re right and it’s the groups way of excluding her, absolutely no good will come of trying to discuss it with any other DMs or the girls themselves and I really wouldn’t go down that path.

Is there anyone else at all she hangs out with ? DS was part of the large horrendous alpha group trip to Kos from his year, but some of my friends DCs did other more low key but possibly enjoyable trips like inter railing or going to a major European city. Or maybe she could join a group trip to an exotic destination.

I get it hurts though to think you’re part of a group and then find out you haven’t made the cut.

@Btc76its not a level playing field though is it. As the minority group I can assure you that we autistic people put up with so much unpleasantness, rudeness, exclusion and non autistic people g rt away with this because we don’t usually complain, we’ve learned that’s what happens to us. So we mask, and cause ourselves internal pain. But that’s ok, because you don’t have to be annoyed by our presence.

If it’s a year group holiday how many are going and is it the actual whole year?

Not nice and unnecessary.