How can I support my daughter after being excluded from the post-exam holiday?

[dottieautie]

I’d posted in ND mumsnetters and no one responded so I thought I’d try here. I’m autistic myself and don’t navigate socially too well.

My eldest leaves school next summer. The final year group have a tradition of going on holiday after the exams and loads of kids all go. My daughter has looked forward to this for years but now she has no one to room share with. The place they’re going only do rooms of two and one of them needs to be 18 to book with the company everyone is going with and she will only be 17 (I’m told I can’t go to be the 18yo -thankfully). We discovered by booking separately or not through a package deal she could book the same flight and hotel for the same dates at 17, so she returned to her group of friends to tell them this and they told her it wouldn’t work. They’ve gone ahead and booked without her.

My heart breaks for her. It sounds to me from their responses like they don’t want her there but aren’t ballsy enough to say it outright. She’s high masking Audhd and none of her friends know this. She’s very sociable and loves to party with her so called friends so she doesn’t really stand out that I can tell as different, except she has no bestie.

How do I support her through this? She thought these girls were her people and now she’s seeing they’re not. She’s missing out on something she’s looked forward to for six years as a legendary high school leaving experience and nothing we suggest is acceptable.

how do I help her through this hurt and the next year of school with all these people planning this bloody holiday?

Does she have any not school friends that would fancy it? So she’s there but also has a friend? Or a cousin that would join?

Sadly if she is autistic then she will 100 per cent behave and react differently to her peers. I work /volunteer with autistic children and my daughter is autiatic.

In fact you wouldn't get a diagnosis if there weren't distinct social communication differences as that is a core part of an autism diagnosis

Are you saying she had never shared the diagnosis wuth friends? Id say that is a mistake. Feeling shame about being autistic is a known indicator of poor mental health.

I would try and guide her through communicating again with the friends s she may nave not been understood?

You’ve got until next summer to find another girls for her to go with. Someone from a club outside of school? Encourage her to try and make another friend this year and take her? Does she have a cousin who would be up for it ?

I am in the middle of helping my lovely youngest to organise his post school graduation trip. This is my third child going on this trip. Yes, not everyone goes... but most do.. some small groups do alternative trips and yes, some do not go.. at our school anyway.

However.. our school does encourage groups to male space for others who might not have a group. Both of my boys have made space in their groups... my youngest is renting a place that could sleep one extra should Greg decide he wants to come (not real name).. Greg is not in their friend group but he is someone they speak to occassionally. My older boy had another boy join their group... and in fact it caused a big discussion, those who wanted to put forward their points, those who didn't put forward their points, they agreed to makes soace for this other boy and it was never mentioned again. My daughter's group were often asked to mentor new girls and absorb them into theor group so when it came to graduation trip there were a few fractured relationships .. it is interesting to see who is still good friends now, a year on.

Anyway... chat to the head of year or the head of Pastoral care... see if there are quieter measures in place to support sidelined students, the mentors will know who these students are and maybe there is a way of making this work.

FWIW.. my daughter found university really hard and we had to stay close to her to help her find her feet. Life is jungle and for some it is so much harder than others. Big hugs to you both. (I have cried so many tears for my daughter's pain when she just couldn't understand why other people act they way they do.. it can be really hard to separate yourself from their pain)

Thanks all!
school take no part in the organisation of this so it’s not going to work getting them involved.

What I did do that some may disagree with is contact one of her trusted friends to ask was she being left out deliberately or was there really a logistical issue. This friend had no idea my daughter didn’t have anyone to go with. Everyone assumed she’d have arranged with someone else and so she was essentially left out. Apparently she’s the floating friend that knows and gets on with almost everyone so everyone just thought she was sorted. This friend knew someone who was going to be of age who didn’t have a roommate who has now booked the room for them both and it seems all is well. For now.

thanks for your advice.

That’s great!

I'm so pleased for her! I hope she has a wonderful time

Thank you so much for the update, and I am so glad it turned out so well for your DD.

I'm so pleased things have turned out well - that sounds great!

ETA - just seen your earlier update and am so happy things have worked out for your daughter! I hope she has an amazing time and makes some great memories.

I’ve deleted what I’d put because it’s not relevant now she’s sorted and booked.

That’s wonderful - great update for your daughter. Hope sh enjoys herself.

That's great update.

Good call, being both direct in your questioning and discreet about approaching your DD's friend.

I'm glad it seems to be sorted out now and if they do all hang out in a larger school group and she is friends with everyone, sounds like she will be fine when there even if the girls she thought were her closest friends are distancing themselves from her. Do encourage her to strengthen her friendships with her room mate and the "trusted" friend.

So nice to see your latest update OP!