DD15 snuck out between 12-3am

[Flowerpots276]

I have just got back from picking DD15 up after finding her bed empty at 3 am.
My cat was meowing in her room and when I went in to let her out DDs bed was stuffed with pillows but she was nowhere to be found.
she wouldn’t answer phone but responded to text and eventually answered, Said she had met friend as she couldn’t sleep. DH and I drove to get her, she was by herself about 2 miles from our house.
i have made her install life 360 and she has gone to bed.
i don’t know the friends parents but I know where they live.
i suspect she was meeting a boy not said friend. I also found a leaflet on the pill in her pocket a few days ago. I asked her about this just now and she said she had gone on pill to regulate periods. The timings have me suspicious.
2 weeks ago she got in trouble as she lied about where she was and when we picked her up she was drunk on vodka (this was with said friend but there was also an unknown boy there when we picked her up)
I don’t want to overreact but I keep catching her in lies.
it’s her 16th bday on Tuesday.
What would you do?

Would you usually forbid her from having a boyfriend? Or is there anything at home that she may be unhappy about that is causing her to push boundaries?

She has been sensible and proactive about protecting herself if she’s got herself the pill for contraception which is a good thing. Don’t tell her off for it. She needs to feel like she can tell you things without getting into trouble for it.

No, we wouldn’t ban her from having a friend or boyfriend. We were a bit miffed about the drunken vodka night but it was kore from a not keeping herself safe angle. I might have said I wasn’t keen on that friend afterwards, just because I don’t know her or her parents last well as I do her other friends.
I don’t think there is anything at home making her unhappy. We have been asking her to be home by 9pm when it gets dark,

9pm in the summer holidays for someone 16 next week eg: has taken their GCSEs ? That is bonkers, no wonder she is sneaking out. I think midnight is a much more sensible curfew. As she goes in to yr12 you need to work together to trust each other as good starting point would be a discussion around alcohol, drugs and sex, what is sensible, what the risks are, at 16 yo can't control her.

Come on op yes she needs to TRY and keep herself safe but don't be turning her into a nervous wreck. 9pm? 🤦🏻‍♀️ 😂

I think midnight is a much more sensible curfew. You'd let a 15yo go to an unknown location with unknown people until midnight?
This seems unwise, especially if drinking spirits.

Times have changed, it isn't the 90s, parents do tend to want to make sure their kids are safe.

Midnight if at a friend's house or the cinema is one thing, midnight just anywhere doing anything with anyone is very different.

Life 360 can be more dangerous, as if she thinks you are checking up on her she is more likely to leave her phone at home (and get a burner phone) I know this happens.
Or they get another app which interacts with life 360 to give a fake location.

Why suspicious about the pill- she is nearly 16, it is reasonable for her to be on it for either reason.

It is hard but you need to realise she is growing up.

Thanks all, it’s more that she is hanging around in unknown locations or in the street and because it gets dark around 9 pm. If she was at a known location with a trusted friend it would be later. We don’t like her walking home by herself after 9pm or hanging around the street or parks.
If she has plans at a friends house or cinema etc and was getting picked up/ dropped off it would be later.

She has attended parties until 1am at friends houses etc previously and that’s fine as we know where she is.

Its because she’s been fuzzy with locations and who she is with that we said before dark

Also, I am not suspicious about the pill, more that she is seeing someone/sleeping with someone she shouldn’t be.
I already knew about the pill last week and was letting her deal with it on her own without asking her, and was letting her tell me in her on time, she had hinted at it to me and we had discussed safe sex.
Its really the sneaking out at night with the timing of going on the pill that makes me think there is something going on that shouldn’t be.
What kind of boy would encourage her to walk alone at 3am? Not one that has her safety in mind!
Her older sister has had boyfriends since 16 and they come over etc so we don’t have a problem with appropriately aged boyfriends and she knows that.

You dont tend to know the parents of their friends after primary school unless you live in a little village. If you do, she can still have friends you dont know. The pill is a good thing.

I have trusted her until now, almost everyone I know tracks there teens on it. I was actually the only one who didn’t.
But, waking at 3am to an empty bed and no idea where she had gone was absolutely terrifying. I wanted to be able to sleep for the rest of the night without the risk of her sneaking off again.
This was the only thing my sleepy, panicked mind could thing of.
i was terrified I wouldn’t be able to find her and had no idea what was going on. It’s not a feeling I wanted to repeat

We are lucky I guess that I know most of her friends parents, or have gotten to know them at least to talk to. We live in a big town, most of her friends she has known since primary.

You can ground her for sneaking out as that is unacceptable. You need somehow to move to greater openness about where she is.

Might be best to remove 360 from her phone - if she really is lost or worse, you want her to have her phone with her rather than leaving it somewhere to fool you.

Thank you. I would let her stay out later and have done in different circumstances. If she is with sensible friends and getting home safely then we extend it and she knows that.
i just don’t want her in unknown places with unknown people when it’s dark. We live in a big town, there are incidents unfortunately and I am not confident she is keeping herself safe at the moment.

If she’s old enough to be needing the pill, then she’s old enough to be sitting down with you and having a proper conversation with you about safe sex and consent and safety in general.

My kids are grown now, but 9pm is very early. My kids always had to give me the name and number of at least one person they were with though. At first they complained about this, but soon learnt that I wasn’t going to call the number unless it was a real emergency. They learnt to just write down a couple of names and numbers and get on with it. They now look back and understand it was for safety and I never once had a reason to call any of those numbers.

She can’t be walking around the streets alone though, so you need to know who this boy is. You won’t be able to stop them having sec, if that’s what she’s wanting to do, but you can try to ensure she’s being safe and treated well.

Midnight is mad to just be wandering about for a 15 year old, I do wonder at some PPs on Mumsnet sometimes. Maybe if it was a house party and you knew where she was/the parents, then midnight would be ok. 9pm is early in the hols though, maybe 10? Agree with Life360, times are different now and it is important for parents to know where their children are. Especially if they are prone to sneaking and lying!

The pill is a sensible choice if she’s thinking about bfs and exploring sexuality. Which a lot of 15/16s are.

The sneaking needs to stop, and hopefully will with a calm conversation and understanding from you and DH.

I'd approach this with caution although I can totally understand why at 3am the 360 app what you came up with.
You need an open conversation with her, but you need to remember that she is basically 16 and they go through a huge growing up period now. You won't know her friends anymore and that is also quite normal, whatever education she's continuing with see her making new friends, traveling more on her own and further afield, maybe even considering a part time job not that far into the distance. You can't expect her to only be allowed out past 9pm if your happy who she's with, you have to trust her to make her own judgements of people or how will she learn to trust those judgements for herself?
And I do understand, I have a DD and this is probably the stage that is the scariest. But you have to let her learn a bit, if you go nuclear or lock down on her she won't be open with you.
You need to talk about respect and explain how terrifying last night was. That boys should be starting to think about nice fun days together and trips to the cinema, etc. not encouraging her to be out in the middle of the night where there is a heightened chance of her coming across the wrong person on her travels, plus even if she's with a 16 year old boy they aren't as strong as we'd like to convince ourselves. It doesn't guarantee anyone's safety.
I'm not sure where you live, some areas I'd give a different response to but generally don't make her answer the actual questions but ask her what she'd do if she did find herself in a dangerous position at 3am when nobody knows she's not tucked up safely in bed? She won't have an answer but it will give her something to consider. Give her more leeway with her curfew (10.30pm or 11pm especially during holidays, maybe 10 during winter and starting off the new term) relax it again after Christmas.

How good is she at remembering to take the pill? Something longer lasting like the implant might be better, though there are side effects. Have a good chat with her, doesn't have to be a Big Talk all in one, but sometimes side by side in the car works better for talking through serious life issues.

We have had many conversations about safe sex, In that way exactly. She has initiated the conversations too. I know she saw a nurse last week and now she knows I know so I can have a more open conversation.
i am not sure what she is on, she is pretty good at remembering stuff and would take properly I think.
I have advised condoms previously as well as pill due to stds etc.

I do regret bringing that up last night, especially in front of DH but like I said I was panicked, tired, confused, angry and worried.
My judgement on that was off and I will try to repair that calmly today.
I am going to try to talk to her calmly which we have done before around safe sex, keeping herself safe, trusting her and her curfew.
Like I said, we do extend if we know she is safe. The 9pm was triggered by the vodka event and lying about her whereabouts a few weeks back.
she was pretty drunk and couldn’t walk straight so it was concerning.

My dc in similar situations simply left his phone at home.

it doesn’t really improve their safety if they leave it somewhere so you can’t see where they are.

i do understand your reaction but I think you may be flogging a dead horse. My parents gave me a curfew of 9pm and I responded by arranging sleepovers at a friends house whose parents did not have a curfew.

your best bet is persuasion at this point. And the implant. Pill is not really reliable.

Gosh, I am not minimising how you felt. Parenting teenagers is a rollercoaster.

I'm through the tenn stage with my older ones and in it with my younger ones- I know for certain that parents think they are tracking their children but they are not. It is a false form of reassurance.

Thanks, it’s really hard to be calm and rational.
Thats actually why I came in here to get some alternative view points so I can consider as much as possible before having a talk today.
i try to be a carrot not a stick person, but it all gets so clouded and muddled when you think they are putting themselves in danger or might be prey to someone you don’t know.
I was sexually assaulted by a 21 year old at 14 so I think I am a bit reactive

I definitely think our own experience changes the way we parent 💐

Deep breaths and time out (for me not my child) is my best coping mechanism. So if they have done something that has made me react I try so hard to not deal with it whilst I am angry, and I recognise that my anger is based on fear, my fear that what they are doing will get themselves hurt. That is what you are doing which is great.

Also keep talking on here, over the years I have asked so many questions, I do think my parenting decisions were better for having other people to run things past.

I’d be pissed off about the lying and sneaking out, can you take her out for a coffee today and ask her what’s going on? Talk to her, tell her you’re worried but also that you understand she’s growing up and will want more freedoms.

Does she know about the sexual assault? You might want to talk to her about that so she can understand where you’re coming from.

Using life360 sounds reactive and punitive, I agree it could backfire if she turns her phone off or leaves it behind.

I had considered mentioning it, just so she gets why I am a so alarmed and also as a bit of a wake up call..
it didn’t help that the exact spot we picked her up from was where a girl had been murdered a few years back!!
I will try to have calm conversations today about trust and safety moving forward

I’d also want to know they are using condoms to protect her from stds.