DD15 snuck out between 12-3am

[Flowerpots276]

I have just got back from picking DD15 up after finding her bed empty at 3 am.
My cat was meowing in her room and when I went in to let her out DDs bed was stuffed with pillows but she was nowhere to be found.
she wouldn’t answer phone but responded to text and eventually answered, Said she had met friend as she couldn’t sleep. DH and I drove to get her, she was by herself about 2 miles from our house.
i have made her install life 360 and she has gone to bed.
i don’t know the friends parents but I know where they live.
i suspect she was meeting a boy not said friend. I also found a leaflet on the pill in her pocket a few days ago. I asked her about this just now and she said she had gone on pill to regulate periods. The timings have me suspicious.
2 weeks ago she got in trouble as she lied about where she was and when we picked her up she was drunk on vodka (this was with said friend but there was also an unknown boy there when we picked her up)
I don’t want to overreact but I keep catching her in lies.
it’s her 16th bday on Tuesday.
What would you do?

I wouldn’t have told her that I was tracking her phone because there’s a chance she’ll play with that and give a false location etc…
I might have discreetly put in another app and not mentioned it!!

However that aside I think 9pm is way too early a curfew; she has been sensible about the pill - I think if organise a nice weekend together, some girls time and I’d try and build trust. Tell her you are proud of her for sorting the pill and if she needs any support at the doctors you will come and help her etc. Will she be able to take the pill regularly? (There are other contraceptives that require less effort from her.) I would also try and find out who the boy is and id be finding out where he lives / who is parents are etc. You could offer her lifts and really just try and stay close and available for her. Best of luck xxx

I was also going to add is she sensible.. I would have a chat about consent and I would also give her some warnings about sending any photos etc of herself to anyone, this boy included; and just generally try to encourage her to make sensible choices that won’t have long term negative consequences. Xx

I am sure you will find a way through this as you are approaching it with a sensible mindset. You are not expecting her to be a nun, but you are concerned for her safety in every way: physically in terms of exposure to attack whilst out late at night; medically in terms of safe sex; and emotionally in terms of feeling used.

Tell her that, openly and clearly. And tell her about the assault you suffered. Tell her you need open communication and do not want to be lied to. Negotiate round curfew and be prepared to adapt.

You are being a good parent and my guess is she knows this.

By the way I have 3 adult DDs so it is definitely a case of "been there done that .... "!

Alarm on any windows and a ring doorbell that sends you alerts when the door opens

Thanks all for the advice. It really helped. Took her to lunch, had a really long chat and she opened up.
It was a boy and I have asked to meet him.
I at least now know who he is and that it’s someone from school.
she was worried about her Dads reaction. But I have said if she helps me by communicating and building trust, I will help her with helping her Dad to adjust. But I can’t do that if she’s not showing me I can trust her and she’s lying to me.
i think we both feel a lot better. We spoke about contraception and she is not sexually active but wants to be prepared.
The curfew will be loosened in the right circumstances, if she continues to be honest, keep us informed and reassure us that she is keeping herself safe. I also stipulated I would like to pick her up for a while if it’s late, until she has proved she can be sensible.

9pm curfew is early for a 15 yo. 11pm by that age is more normal. This is the stage where you teach and build trust and responsibility. You have to let them go a bit with the habit of them telling you where they’re going, who with and what time they’ll be home. Nothing wrong with app tracking if sge has your permission, it’s very useful but beware the location can be slightly off sometimes. Write your phone number down too for her to put in her purse so she can always contact you if her phone is out of charge (oh, and make sure she has a portable charger).

As for the poster who wrote that it isn’t the 90’s and parents like to know their kids are safe, that gave me a good laugh. Survival of the species has forever compelled parents to look out for their offspring!

My dd at the end of year 10 and age 15 was allowed to walk out and about in the warm evenings after dark as long as she was in a group or with a boy. We live in a safe village. I didn’t fear that she was up to no good though. Mostly the boys were just friends. I wanted her back at around 11pm and dropped off by the boy if it was just the 2 of them. The only time she went in groups was on sleepovers, so no girl walked home alone. If you can build trust with your dd, that sounds relatively sensible to me. After GCSE’s I didn’t really have a curfew, but the same rules applied re safety.