Worried my 14 year old wants to spend summer alone

[KeenLemonPanda]

My 14 year old DS has done nothing so far this summer holidays apart from sleep, watch TV and scroll on his phone. He's been out once with friends because I practically begged him and he's been out with me a couple of times (bribed with food & shopping)
I worry about him a lot, he's never out with friends or even talking to them on the phone now. I've tried to speak to him about it tonight and he's just basically said he doesn't care, he doesn't need friends, he likes being alone. I have said that you do need to have some friends as it's not healthy to not have a life outside of his bedroom and he just kept saying he doesn't care.
Anyway I dealt with it all wrong and ended up having a bit of a rant at him. (Have since apologised) But I'm just worried about him and feel sad for him. He's young and should be going out having fun, it makes me so sad. I just don't know what to do.
He won't even entertain the idea of clubs/hobbys. He did invite a couple of friends to go shopping at the weekend and they said no, he takes things really personal and has said he's not spoke to them since.
We do have a holiday coming up so I'm hoping he will make some holiday friends for the time we are there but does anyone have a similar child or even better a grown up one that went through a similar time?

Addicted to porn or gaming or both?

Without devices Im sure there would be alot less kids like this.

Not sure what the answer is

What a strange comment? If you can't relate or have no advice I'm not sure what the point in your reply was.

Do you think he’s has a falling out with his friends or are they all just not socializing?
I remember worrying about my son who went through a phase like this at a similar age and it didn’t last long. He became more interested in girls and clocked on that to get a girlfriend he’d have to go outside and try.
I know it’s hard but try not to let your imagination turn this into something it isn’t.
My son is older now, hopefully someone will come along with better advice for you. X

I suspect there hasn't been a falling out as such but maybe he's feeling left out/not been directly invited to things and took it personal.
Thank you I'm glad to hear your sons phase didn't last too long. I do try to think of the positives, at least I know where he is and what he's doing (or not doing!)

I was like youre son op, i just wanted to be left alone, the days before we had moblies. Leave him be he will snap out of it. Maybe hes happy not to see anyone for a while, he sees them every day at school, now he can relax a bit.

My now 22 year old was just like this at 14 (year 8 and 9). In year 10 he changed and became more confident, mature and made new friends and got a girlfriend. He's now quite a sociable young man with a good social life, a degree and a lovely girlfriend.

That's one hell of a leap based on the short post from OP!

It's just his age. My DD 14 doesn't have many friends so spends most of the holidays alone but still like doing family stuff. My eldest was silmair at that age but has gain many more friends who she will talk to on the phone or go outside with during the holidays when she's not locked in her room. Eldest is becoming less keen on doing family stuff.

It's just the teen years of today.

But I'm just worried about him and feel sad for him. He's young and should be going out having fun, it makes me so sad. I just don't know what to do.

That's your idea of fun though, his ideas might be totally different.

Example from my upbringing my dad had a couple of things from his childhood, one was that clothes are not presents. Children shouldn't be opening their Santa sack and finding clothes, or getting clothes for birthdays.

So growing up I never received clothes as presents.

My dad though, was never a teenage girl though and there were times I would have loved to receive clothes.

Is he happy?

God, leave him alone. I had no close friends at 14 and if I'd had a mum like you the nagging would have made me feel like it was a personal failing. I'm so glad my mum never said anything! He might be socially awkward, not have any good friends or just prefer his own company right now. It doesn't mean it won't change in a few years.

Don't nag on this. If it was something that secretly bothered him, you've just ensured he won't ever talk to you about it.

Also at 14 if he's a bit socially awkward making friends on holiday will not happen so do not expect that or even mention it to him. He's not a little kid anymore where it's easy to play with any random kid you meet and boom you're best friends.

DS2 is a bit like this.
He will happily leave the house with one of us, but is very unlikely to meet up with anyone from school with the exception of a party (go karting not house party) next weekend.

He has always been happy in his own company. Happy to hang around on the edge of a group at school - the same one since Y7 - but doesn't choose to spend more time with them.

Im not worried he's into either of the outlandish suggestions from early in the thread. He's just not one for lots of people - and that's fine.
His brother on the other hand....

Sympathies op I'm not sure why anyone is criticising you ! Or course a mum of a 14 year old worries about what their child does during several weeks off school. And phones and gaming make it worse in many ways as we don't really know what they are doing. Also of course it makes it easier for them to hide away and avoid the emotional.challenge of reaching out yo others.

I have a social 14 yr old and a more lonely autostic 12 year old so I see all sides of the battle to get them out.

Have you checked his phone? Sadly it's not at all a big leap to think about porn or even the more banal tik tok addiction. I found out my son had overcome phone controls and developed totally horrible tik tok addiction....and he is a sociable active kid so really they are all vulnerable to it

If he has some friends I would probably keep up some gentle conversations about linking up but other than that you might need to focus on ensuring his screen use isn't dangerous.

It's a very hard experience parenting teens

It wouldn't hurt to have rules that the TV doesn't go on in daytime and phones are just for calling or texting for the bulk of the time. Boredom will at least make kids do other things even if they don't go out with friends. We are nurturing a very dull generation. It may be too late for the very addicted ones.

Has he been like that in previous summers? I have a (maybe weird) theory about teens, which is that lots of them, especially introverted ones, need a 'chrysalis summer' where they see no one, do nothing, as they make that transition from childhood to adolescence. I had one. Both my DC did. It's important not to let it become a habit they can't break out of.

But I'd indulge it a bit, while ensuring he still develops in some way, on his own, not just vegetates. I used to chat to DC at that age about their dreams for the future, and then gently suggest things that would help towards those goals. DS1 got a set of weights and worked out in his room. DS2 got a pull up bar and learned to swim long distance. I took them to a shopping centre, gave them money to buy a new outfit each. Took them to bookshops and libraries and got them to choose a couple of books that interested them.

But they are still our children, under our care at that age, so I did encourage them to do one summer club - even if just for a week - and said if they didn't choose one, I'd choose one for them, just to get out of the house. DS2 ended up loving a music camp as he got some really cool teachers who he wanted to be like.

If he has a family holiday, a summer camp - even just a weekend one, to develop something that interests him, and a couple of personal projects, that's fine.

I agree about dullness. I have cried over my son's gaming and phone behaviour and yes before anyone says I use multiple controls and have spent hours working on how to stop him overcoming them. Ultimately it's about attitude now with kids.

Why put yourself out there when the digital world is always there? And even when you do get them off it...the problem is other kids may at that point be gaming.

So many posts on nynsnet saying oh it's normal for a teen to spend all summer indoors. It really didnt used to be normal and it's not healthy whether or not many kids are doing it. There is also a big difference between 50 years ago a lonely or shy kid spending their summer fixing things or reading and biking about on their own...and now many many kids...even sociable ones...spending 8 hours a day on screens.

Not all of us want friends, I was always perfectly happy alone as a teenager and still am as and adult. I can remember my family pushing me and eventually I exploded. I like my space, quiet, life and now they understand I'm not like my siblings who are very sociable. That's what makes humans different

My DS was like this at 14 (2 years ago)
He was more than happy sat in his room playing Xbox and doom scrolling….most of his mates seemed to be doing the same.
I think it’s a tricky age…they’re too old to ‘play out’ and too young to do a lot of other things. People moan if they just hang around in groups and most activities they’d consider doing cost a fortune/are difficult to get to etc.

My DS16 is now out most days (well afternoons by the time he wakes up 🤦🏼‍♀️) usually at the Astro with a group of mates or round friends playing football or the odd trip to Nando’s.

Yes my DS2 is like this too ( I also hardly see his brother because he's got about 5 separate friends groups to manage). He has good friends who he hangs out with at school but the all seem to be the same. Just stay at home in the holidays. They will occasionally arrange a cinema visit if there's something they want to see and have done that probably once a holiday if that. He is doing his D of E silver though so I've made him go to a club for his skills and to start his activity by doing couch 2 5k! He moaned. I reminded him that he was the one who wanted to do the D of E in the first place!

Or neither and he’s being a normal teen and your response was properly weird and says more about you than anything else??

OP it can be hard to watch as parents because we assume they must be lonely.

My DD is sometimes like this and I’ve come to realise over time that actually she does just genuinely want some alone time. She has a good circle of friends and does spend time with them out of school also, but over the holidays she does also enjoy having time away from them. That’s not a bad thing , she just needs some time to reset.

Could that be the case for your son?

I think 14 is a difficult age socially. Different parents with different rules, kids with varying levels of freedom, friends on holiday etc. Also if you live in a multi-cultural area like we do a lot of families go ‘home’ for the whole summer, or send the kids back to grandparents etc.

DS was 14 in the first Covid summer so he had an excuse for doing nothing. DD just didn’t bother at that age… she used to say nobody was allowed / wanted to do anything so they’d game together a bit and chat on phones but didn’t go out.

She’s 16 now and living her best life with a big group of friends this summer. Does seem to involve a fair bit of drinking in fields but at least they’re out in the sunshine instead of on their screens. Her friends have been sleeping over too which she’s never wanted them to do before.

It's quite common at that age, I think. Both my sons were like this. My eldest is actually really sociable with lots of friends and a busy life, but still had a period like this, although he was talking to people, just not leaving his room. Youngest was worse. He wouldn't even go out when invited with friends if it wasn't something he wanted to do - the opposite when I was young and so desperate to go out that I would have done pretty much anything to not be at home bored!
In both cases my sons were gaming a lot.
Also, it didn't last forever!

my DS who is 14 has a bunch of friends and is confident and outgoing, but he has spent most of the holidays so far in his room.
I asked him this morning about going out with friends and he said that his school friends are all a bit much at the moment. I think they have discovered vaping, drinking and a bit of risk taking, that DS isn’t comfortable with.
He is happy doing his own thing for a while, he has some activities booked for next week.
I would leave your DS alone if he seems content.

I was like this at 14. Had plenty of good friends at school but to be honest by the summer I think I just needed a break! Term time is very very socially intense for an introvert, and year 9 perhaps as relationally challenging as it gets.

I was the same (turned out I was autistic as well) just wanted the break from people. I did have a hobby though.