Worried my 14 year old wants to spend summer alone

[KeenLemonPanda]

My 14 year old DS has done nothing so far this summer holidays apart from sleep, watch TV and scroll on his phone. He's been out once with friends because I practically begged him and he's been out with me a couple of times (bribed with food & shopping)
I worry about him a lot, he's never out with friends or even talking to them on the phone now. I've tried to speak to him about it tonight and he's just basically said he doesn't care, he doesn't need friends, he likes being alone. I have said that you do need to have some friends as it's not healthy to not have a life outside of his bedroom and he just kept saying he doesn't care.
Anyway I dealt with it all wrong and ended up having a bit of a rant at him. (Have since apologised) But I'm just worried about him and feel sad for him. He's young and should be going out having fun, it makes me so sad. I just don't know what to do.
He won't even entertain the idea of clubs/hobbys. He did invite a couple of friends to go shopping at the weekend and they said no, he takes things really personal and has said he's not spoke to them since.
We do have a holiday coming up so I'm hoping he will make some holiday friends for the time we are there but does anyone have a similar child or even better a grown up one that went through a similar time?

Can you plan some family days out to get out of the house and busy? Sometimes a change of scenery makes all the difference.

I think this is pretty typical of teenage boys tbh. My nephew would be like this. As long as he is content then I wouldn’t force him to do things you think he should.

I don't get this argument - 'as long as he is content' - my 14 year old would be SO content gaming in his pants all day or scrolling videos online from morning til night. I don't let him and yes it causes rows but - do I need to point to what evidence there is for a sedentary life being damaging to humans? Sitting in your bedroom all day everyday for 6 weeks scrolling tik tok videos is harmful - there is no way around that fact.

DS1 is like this. And given I have his phone (his choice) and he doesn’t have a console or TV in his room I’m not too worried about what he’s up to. But he was ‘peopled out’ following a busy term at school. Three weeks in and he’s beginning to come alive a little but apart from some sport he’s committed to I don’t know that he will organise anything. He’s happy and is reading, the Lego has reappeared, he’s playing a couple of hours a day on the console downstairs and he’s doing odd bits around the house.

I agree with this. People say it is normal. I was an introverted teenager, when I was at home I was in my room listening to music, reading magazines and books and generally mooching around. But I had friends and met up with them at weekends and during the holidays.

My DGD 15, doesn’t game, or spend much time on the internet. She doesn’t have a smart phone. She does spend time on group chats with friends and they arrange to spend time together and days out. They are off out today.

We would be concerned if she didn’t want to go out and meet up with friends.

Some young people for a variety of reasons may not want to or be able to meet up with friends, but @KeenLemonPanda, your concern is valid. Not to say that it is the end of the world but you can’t just ignore it and hope for the best.

It does seem to be something more prevalent in boys. I have a DGS 7, who would like to spend more time on his Nintendo Switch, but mention of a play date with his friends, a bike ride or playing football in the garden and romping with the dog, and he is off. He also has a couple of hobby sessions that he attends weekly. To go from that at 7 to semi reclusive 7 years later, how does that happen? It can’t just be blamed on hormones surely.

Thank you for everyone's responses, quite a mixture!
I'm glad to hear this is kind of normal for this age and doesn't necessarily mean he's going to be friendless forever!
I am 50/50 in the sense of yes if he's happy let him do what he wants, but also I totally don't think it's healthy to sit in the house doing nothing 24/7.
He will come out with me occasionally but I'm working a lot. He also goes to the gym a few times a week (but again, alone) Looking forward to getting him on holiday.
To clarify he is not at all socially awkward, I think he does however struggle to make any effort with friends and therefore they don't bother inviting him out so he gets in this 'whatever, I don't care, I don't need friends' mood. Gets in a very negative mood when I try to be encouraging like oh maybe you'll find some new people to hang out with come the new school year, and he basically just says no he's happy by himself. I'll try and leave him be and just plan family things for now.

I used to be a bit like DS, I just didn't really have very many friends. My Mum used to go on & on about it, and I was so upset & embarrassed because it just reinforced that I didn't have anybody to go out with.

I honestly wouldn't mention the friends again; just offer him things to do, opportunities to go out with you and enjoy your holiday.

I'm 46 now and have had loads of friends all my adult life so all turned out ok in the end!

I was like this. It riled me when my mother MADE me go out... as in, planning my life out for me. I didn't have a lot of friends. I got bullied a lot, and preferred my own company. She could not understand why I didn't have close friends, or why I liked staying in on my own, or why I got bullied, because she hadn't been when she was at school, and my brother was the complete opposite (i.e. a social butterfly who was always at a friend's house). School for me was awful; in addition to the bullying, there were just too many people. I now live rurally, and enjoy days off from the world, where I don't interact with anyone in person. I do not go to busy places at all, because it is too much.

Even as an adult, I am happier in my own company, find being around people quite draining, and do not have many friends... but I'm OK with that. I have a lot of hobbies that I do on my own, like reading, knitting, sewing, piano, etc.

Your DS will find his own way in time. If he's happy at home, leave him be; if he wants to go out, then that's also fine.

I like to be alone quite a bit however I would definitely want to see how long he’s spending on his phone and what he’s looking at.
If there is no issue with phone usage I’d encourage some fresh air everyday and leave him to it.

People are different and that also applies to kids. Maybe he just hasn’t yet found friends he has clicked with or he doesn’t enjoy socialising. Maybe he is ND and exhausted from enforced socialising at school. Let him rest and have some autonomy without nagging. The holidays have only just started.

That’s hard. Do you know why? Is there any sport or anything he likes? I’d probably rant too despite knowing it would solve nothing

Some people I feel are being a little harsh, I'm not standing in his room shouting and nagging everyday, I do 'leave him alone' the majority of the time.
To respond to some statements/questions - yes he seems happy most of the time aside from typical teenage mood swings, he's not ND in any way, he mainly uses his phone for tiktok, or he watches YouTube on the TV downstairs too, plays with the dog sometimes, he's not hugely into sports but will go and play football sometimes, likes the gym.

I find it hard to believe other parents would not be concerned and would just leave him in his room the entire time without trying to encourage him to do anything!
Anyway, he's going to bike to town shortly to pick something up and then he's going to the gym so at least that's a couple of hours out today ☺️

My mum used to nag and shout at me about the same thing. It didn't help and I still resent it at 61.

Dd was like that at that age. I did worry at the time but there's not a lot you can do.

I was probably like that too but holidays tended to be taken up with guide camps and brownie pack holidays- i helped out with the latter. Then when past 16 I started doing more, got a part time job etc.

Dd does more now but still doesn't like non stop socialising.

I remember in year 9 my son having a summer pretty much watching films and doing his organised sport twice a week. I think he met up with friends twice, because I arranged an activity (like lazer quest/cinema) and pretty much forced it!

I remember being worried at the time, but it passed and he is now year 11 and goes out with friends spontaneously.

Never got to the bottom of why he spent so much time alone that summer, he seemed bored at times but I was working so he had to entertain himself.

My DS is 15 and a bit like this but I know he honestly doesn’t care too much about going out with friends a lot, he’s been out a few times but he’s happy staying in and likes his own company. I know he’s fine but I suppose you know your own kids, he says he loves to chill in the holidays and not have anywhere to be or anything he has to do I think he likes the break from everyone for a bit. I’d be inclined to leave him to it they won’t be like this forever. My DD was very much the same, shes 18 now and she’s got a part time job, has a boyfriend, goes out all over the place with friends but is still having days on end doing nothing at home they both seem to love it

My son went from being a very sociable child to withdrawn and moody around age 13. I did everything I could think of to get him to go out, have hobbies or socialise more. All he was interested in was gaming. Not wanting yo worry you more but my son ended up only leaving the house to go to school. He was academic but dropped put of uni in second year due to anxiety/depression/social anxiety. This was his rock bottom and he finally accepted help and started anti depressants. He's now 26 with a long term girlfriend, decent job and a couple of friends and is happy (mostly). However, he still doesn't have a busy social life and that's fine. He has said that his gaming and the friends he met on there saved him. They were all similar characters (& ages) to him and they are still firm friends now,having met IRL around 6 years ago. I don't know the right answer but I would continue to show him you love and value him as he is, whilst keeping an eye on him for signs of depression. Some people do need to recharge alone though and it's really tough being a teenager nowadays. Good luck.

I have a 14yo DD who does the same. At this age, I think they’re finding out who they are and how well that mixes with the people they have been friends with. DD has some really close friends but there are various difficulties including boyfriends and DD can’t be bothered with the cooing and abandonment. It’s so hard to make friends at this age and you can feel connected to the outside world from your bedroom now (and incredibly lonely at the same time)

it’s a horrible time but I do remember spending a lot of time in my room too.

I think as long as they’re safe, not up to no good and do have friends they’re comfortable with then it’s not worth pushing them. I try to get DD to sit with us for a bit each day and she comes on drives with me so we can still talk. I am worried tho all the same.

I would limit his screen time and gently encourage him to find an interest (with or without friends)

Better to be safe in the house or garden than our in the streets.

Perhaps he is just happy with his own company? I am a bit like that, I love seeing friends but I need time to recharge alone or just with my immediate family afterwards. My eldest can be like that too - he regularly sees friends at all his sports training (every weekday evening, and at comps at weekends, different friends at different sports), but if we have been say down at the beach all day with his friends from surf club, he will need a few hours to just be by himself before going out to train that evening. My youngest is a massive extrovert and would be with friends all day every day without a problem 🤣.

The only thing that would worry me from your OP is the fact that you said he spends all day sleeping, scrolling or watching tv. That’s a lot of screens - does he not have a limit on his phone time? I have 15 and 12 year old boys and they have 1 hour on their phones a day (they aren’t allowed any social media or YouTube ever), so they use that time to WhatsApp friends and/or play games. I do allow them extra 15 min bursts on WhatsApp if they are trying to arrange something with friends but otherwise they are off their phones most of the day. It means they have to find other things to do - sometimes with me, sometimes with friends (or a mix of the 2 if I take them and a friend out somewhere), and sometimes alone. The 15 year old is much much better at entertaining himself, he likes mooching about the farm on his bike, woodworking, going on the trampoline, practising sports on his own, going for runs, walking the dog etc. The younger one struggles by himself (perhaps because of being an extrovert), so he either plays with his brother a lot, or does quite a few holiday sports training camps, and I do stuff with him too. Today it’s sunny but they have a swim comp later so I don’t want to take them out for the day. The eldest has done a bit of homework and is now outside somewhere on the farm, either helping with the hay harvest or making something I think. The younger one has just ridden his bike 2 miles to the next farm to meet a friend as he was SO bored.

With your son, can you reduce screen time, impose a decent time to be up and dressed the majority of the week and arrange to take him to do some things he is keen on - getting him outside will improve his mood and sleep, and keep him busy til he is ready to start meeting up with friends.