Should a 16-year-old choose friends over family for her birthday dinner?

[ADHDMumstruggles]

DD is about to turn 16. She wants to go out for dinner with a group of friends on her birthday.

I don’t have a problem with this. We will spend the day together - have a nice lunch and open presents.

DH hit the roof. He wants his Mum to come and stay and go for dinner with family. Wants her to rearrange her friends to another night.

i feel like she’s 16 - she s not having a party because a lot of her friends are on holiday and she’s had a really tough year. I feel like he’s making it about him and he’s embarrassed in front of his mum.

am I wrong here? She’s currently crying in her room and the heat isn’t helping!!!

(used AI title as summed it up pretty well!!)

YANBU. Once our DCs were late teens, they tended to have their own celebration with friends and then a second celebration with family- either a meal out or at home. It doesn’t matter if the celebration is on the birthday itself; just spread it out over a weekend, surely!

@ADHDMumstruggles you are completely ignoring the wider context here. I have 3 kids with ASD and one has level 2 with PDA.

They would freak out in the environment your DH is setting down and yet they are completely easy going in an environment that suits them.

Your DH is a much bigger part of this problem that you are allowing for and yes I suspect he has at least ND traits because ND children have genetics that cause them to be ND. Anything that suggests your DH is a problem you dismiss out of hand and you keep pointing to your daughter as a problem.

No I know he is a problem. In this situation he did the complete opposite of what I have been doing with her.

normally he has it out with me first so dd isn’t aware there’s been a discussion.

with all due respect I have given a small snapshot and you can’t judge off this one example. I’m not saying he isn’t a twat but some of these posts have run with a narrative that just isn’t true. Clearly DH and I have fucked up as parents to be in the situation we are in but I didn’t start this thread to have that shoved down my throat even more. We are trying our best but sometimes get it wrong. Which he did in this case

I asked because he was unusually upset and I just wondered if I was wrong about it.

2 separate meals? Your partner is being very unreasonable. She's turning 16 and it's HER birthday 😞

That's sorted then,lunch with family the day before,then dinner with her friends on her actual birthday.

That is absolutely fair but to be honest I think I am reacting to how much of this you are putting into your DD when in this instance her feelings were completely justified.

Yes ADHD and ODD are hard but they are not the full picture of the dynamics here.

You are very very quick to defend your husband in every single post yet you are describing some pretty poor behaviour from him and then jumping into to defend him when that is pointed out yet many times you are as quick to blame your daughter.

That is completely out of whack especially given the context here and some other context you have given,

I’m not blaming my dd. In the last 18 months she has made some very poor decisions and she has also been subject to some terrible behaviour from school because of her ND, and I have supported her through all the fall out and been her biggest advocate. I’ve been her outlet for it all. The last 18 months have pushed me to the edge but I still get up and try to get on with it so she can grow into an independent adult who can thrive in the world and in the last 6 months we have seen positive changes and she is maturing.

DH and I have both made mistakes - we are only human. And he has taken a lot longer to come round to face the reality of our situation. But he’s engaged in parenting therapy and has made changes too.

I'm not making excuses - he shouldn’t have kicked off over this and he was in the wrong - I’m still not sure why he did.

Yes. I don’t remember my parents caring much about my 16th. I went out with my friends.

Tell him to grow up and stop being selfish and while hes at it, accept his daughter has grown up and has her own friends and life. Alright she may not be in a position to fully fund herself yet but the way his carrying on will ensure he wo t get .any visits when she flies the nest..

When I was 10, my sister turned 16 - we went out to dinner at our usual restaurant.
They escorted us to an unusual room - and as we walked in, 15 or 20 girls screamed
”SURPRISE!!!” My parents had arranged a surprise party/dinner for my sister’s 16th.
They didn’t tell me.
When I turned 16, I don’t remember anything special about my birthday, except that I got my driving license and the old family station wagon.
But no splashy surprise party - and that hurt.

My point is, whatever you do for one child, make sure you do equally for the other children.
That was 50 years ago and it still hurts my heart.
Let your daughter do what she pleases - it’s her birthday after all. Not her father’s and certainly not her grandmother’s.
Sending love to the birthday girl ❤️