Should a 16-year-old choose friends over family for her birthday dinner?

[ADHDMumstruggles]

DD is about to turn 16. She wants to go out for dinner with a group of friends on her birthday.

I don’t have a problem with this. We will spend the day together - have a nice lunch and open presents.

DH hit the roof. He wants his Mum to come and stay and go for dinner with family. Wants her to rearrange her friends to another night.

i feel like she’s 16 - she s not having a party because a lot of her friends are on holiday and she’s had a really tough year. I feel like he’s making it about him and he’s embarrassed in front of his mum.

am I wrong here? She’s currently crying in her room and the heat isn’t helping!!!

(used AI title as summed it up pretty well!!)

Honestly dealing with her adhd and odd have been awful for me and I’m on my knees but I know she can’t help it and she’s definitely coming out the other side

he can sometimes forget she’s not 5 and he thinks I’m too permissive so he sometimes does this but it’s not all or most of the time by any means

It’s your DD’s birthday not his. He doesn’t get to dictate how she spends it and if he’s not careful he won’t be celebrating any of her birthdays with her in a few years. She’ll just choose not invite him to anything when she’s older.

My sister’s husband is similar the whole family has to operate to his comfort because he is ND but the ND kids have their own ways of doing thing. It causes an awful lot of strife but it is not just a kid issue.

Normally when he does this he ends up backing down so I don’t really see the point. I tell him to just say ‘can I have a think and we can talk later’.

I’ve spent a lot of time working on reducing her explosions but I think he just sees that as me giving in to her

He isn’t ND - the big problem I have is that he wants to parent like they are NT

Absolutely she should. How blooming old is your DH? Did he want to spend his 16th birthday with his Mum (and Granny)?

He's lacking something if he a) can't remember being a teenager and b) thinks his wishes override the 'birthday girl's' choice of how to spend her evening.

Of course she should go with her mates. Every birthday (mine and friends) when I was 16 was spent together and it was lovely, great for bonding and making memories as well gaining a sense of independence.

As others have suggested, is your DH so unreasonable he would not go for lunch with your DD and his mum instead? Sounds like he's making it his mother's day rather than you daughters day. Would his mother understand, or is she one of those MILs...

I don’t think mil would care tbh!!! As long as we don’t celebrate before the day… I’m sure she’ll be fine with cake and presents in the afternoon

Your husband needs to grow the hell up.

I asked him what he did on his 16th and he doesn’t remember but says if his dad had asked him to have a family meal he would have 🙄

then said I roll over too easily so I suspect this may be more about me than her

Honestly @ADHDMumstruggles the more your write about him the more he sounds like the problem. Why would a man dictate how a 16 year old daughter spends her birthday? Lots of posters are telling you the same.

She should choose whoever she wants to see. It’s her birthday not anyone else’s.

I think what’s really frustrating is that he will back down but it leaves a bad taste

Also if he’s made her cry he’s already ruined his daughters 16th birthday. Good on him, she will never forget that. It’ll always be associated with her aggressive dad screaming at her.

I think he still thinks his daughter is a young child. He wants to stay in control. But it is not possible. He needs to let go and allow her to grow up. She’s doing nothing wrong

She has ODD so we lost control a long time ago 🤣.

bit I’ve tried so hard not to sweat the small stuff and it feels like we are on different pages

He needs to realise she’s not a baby anymore. His mum will have to either come earlier so you can go for lunch or do dinner the day after her birthday.

Mil will be staying 3 nights so time is not an issue

It's DD's birthday so she should decide. It shouldnt really matter to anyone else. Sorry but your husband sounds like a twat.

In this situation he certainly is

What does that mean?

I presume if she’s going out for food with her friends, they’ll all just pay for themselves? That’s what my DC do.

Or is he saying that he’s paying for themselves family meal ?

I think he thought she would pay for everything but I said that’s not the case. She doesn’t have a huge amount of money tbh but she will get money from her gps for her birthday so won’t need us ti pay (I was going ti pay for her anyway as it’s her birthday and they’re not going anywhere fancy!)

In short, yes. At that age, she wants to celebrate with her friends.

Why not do what we did with our dc, and have a separate family dinner as well?

What a fun birthday meal that’s going to be with your dd having cried as she’d rather be with her friends. Dh sounds like an overbearing prat

That was her suggestion!