Should a 16-year-old choose friends over family for her birthday dinner?

[ADHDMumstruggles]

DD is about to turn 16. She wants to go out for dinner with a group of friends on her birthday.

I don’t have a problem with this. We will spend the day together - have a nice lunch and open presents.

DH hit the roof. He wants his Mum to come and stay and go for dinner with family. Wants her to rearrange her friends to another night.

i feel like she’s 16 - she s not having a party because a lot of her friends are on holiday and she’s had a really tough year. I feel like he’s making it about him and he’s embarrassed in front of his mum.

am I wrong here? She’s currently crying in her room and the heat isn’t helping!!!

(used AI title as summed it up pretty well!!)

She’s 16 of course she wants to be with her friends, your husband being ridiculous.

He hasn’t put a downer on her birthday - perhaps she’s more resilient than I thought if this would be enough to ruin a birthday.

she cried from frustration not heartbreak and we’ve had a nice dinner together and talked it through

I’ve also talked to him about pausing before reacting so we can discuss it between ourselves first. That tends to be my approach with DD when she ambushes me - just give me some time to go away and think about it.

I asked on here because I doubted myself for a minute on whether or not it was reasonable so thanks to everyone confirming I was being reasonable!

Totally agree. I'm grandmother to three under 8 years and depending on what sort of party they are having I may attend or catch up with them another day. To insist on spoiling the plans of a 16 year old is completely alien to me.

Her birthday her choice

At 16 its definitely friends first. Let her enjoy her birthday her way.

Dh is being ridiculous. It's her birthday and she should do what she likes.

Surely her nan can celebrate with her a few days before or after the actual day?

You should ask if when he was 16 he was forced to spend his actual birthday with his nan?

Gosh people are being a bit harsh about mil. She lives abroad and we see her about 4 times a year so I get DH wants DD to spend the time with her but it doesn’t have to be the actual birthday. She was a real rebel as a teen so I’m sure she would be fine with it!

As a retired psychotherapist working primarily with adolescents and YA, this isn’t just normal it’s desirable.

She’s taking important steps to become independent from her family. She can only do that if she is confident that you will still love her and care for her even as she grows away.

Your DH’s behaviour says a lot about his own adolescent differentiation from his family. It clearly didn’t go well! But it needn’t do your daughter any harm. She can live the reality that she can temporarily leave you and then come back stronger than ever. Her dad’s neediness doesn’t have to become her issue.

That’s very interesting. My DH had a very different upbringing and was adultified. His 16th birthday was probably organised by him with reminders to his dad!

I hate when parents use their kids celebrations to do what they want.

It’s not his birthday it’s DDs, she should do whatever she wants to on HER day.

When it’s his birthday then he can have a family meal.

Most 16 year olds want to spend most of their time with their friends and it is an age when we struggle to think about family needs and feelings. Now this can be upsetting for family members but they need to get over themselves. She only turns 16 once, does DH want her memory of it to be that she was forces to spend it with her family and not her friends. You and the wider family can celebrate another day.

At that age onwards, friends come first. I still prefer to spend my birthday with friends. I think from about 15 I would usually have a party with friends, but something small with close family. Even for my 40th I had one meal with friends, and one with relatives.

Are you sure he isn’t ND? He sounds like he could be to me. Fixed thought and all that. It’s hereditary so the kids had to get it from somewhere.

Anyway, glad it’s sorted and I hope she has a great birthday meal with her friends.

His reaction is over the top. How can he hit the roof about this. Let her do what she wants. It’s her birthday and she’s 16. Surely celebrating another day with family is fine. I agree with some other posters, this doesn’t look good for the future. She’ll move out and not want to see her dad if he behaves like this. That’s a point to make perhaps to make him change his mind?

She’ll remember his behaviour. Whether he’s sorry now or not.

What a prat your DH is. Yes its a bit upsetting as parents but he should be happy to see her spread her wings and be independent.

I agree with you OP.

No he’s not ND. And this is one snapshot - I’m not sure he can be fully dissected based on it!

part of the reason I asked was because he was so upset about it I doubted myself so it’s not an everyday occurrence

Oh god so does my partner’s family, they say it’s bad luck!

If he forces DD to give up her plans she will be unhappy and the family meal will be a flop.

She's 16 so I can totally see why she'd rather spend it with her friends!
DH needs to calm down. Her request is perfectly reasonable. They can do something another day.

Why don't you tell you DH that your daughter will give his Mum a ring herself and ask if she can come to lunch instead of dinner. Your DH wouldn't be embarrassed telling his Mum he has to change the arrangements, as it'll be done for him and your daughter will feel she has a bit of control about making her own decisions.

He works away, thinks you're lax in his absence so likes to come home and lay the law down, is centring himself and being controlling about DD16 birthday plans, yet there are issues with HER not considering her parents feelings on a wider basis?

Someone is behaving like a brat here, and it's not DD.

If you’d had the morning I just had with her it would explain what I mean!! Honestly I’m drained

but I’ve already said he’s backed down so hopefully she can have a lovely birthday

I am answering the Original Post not the additions:
Sixteen is not a landmark or Coming of Age like 18 for most UK families. it is a birthday celebration which might be a bit more adult or a bit more sophisticated than her previous ones. Our DD went to an Italian restaurant with her friends, not a burger place. DH took his credit card when he collected them.
The DD should be permitted to chose the kind of party she wants.
Other celebrations with Grannie or Aunts can be fitted in sometime.
That's it.