Should a 16-year-old choose friends over family for her birthday dinner?

[ADHDMumstruggles]

DD is about to turn 16. She wants to go out for dinner with a group of friends on her birthday.

I don’t have a problem with this. We will spend the day together - have a nice lunch and open presents.

DH hit the roof. He wants his Mum to come and stay and go for dinner with family. Wants her to rearrange her friends to another night.

i feel like she’s 16 - she s not having a party because a lot of her friends are on holiday and she’s had a really tough year. I feel like he’s making it about him and he’s embarrassed in front of his mum.

am I wrong here? She’s currently crying in her room and the heat isn’t helping!!!

(used AI title as summed it up pretty well!!)

tbh I think it would be fine if she did pay for her friends (assuming not hundreds of them!) - presumably you paid for other birthday parties when she was younger?

Why is it just this birthday that's annoying him - has she never had a party on her actual birthday before?

It's just such a weird thing to get annoyed about! It's not even as if she is really choosing between family or friends (i.e. if she had a chance to go on holiday with a mate over her birthday, which would still be fine!), she wants to celebrate with both of you! He's just being an absolute wassock for the sake of a few hours!

she’s had parties on her birthday but we’ve been there. I can’t get out of him what the issue is. He just says it isn’t unreasonable to expect her to spend the evening with us.

so far she has 10 friends invited. The only thing that irked me was that she arranged it without discussing it first and we will need to book a table for a big group etc etc

why can't she book it? If she's old enough to go out for a meal without parents surely she's old enough to ring up a restaurant (or more likely book online?).

The more you get involved surely the more reason your DH has to moan. I would completely separate the two - you organise a family thing, she organises whatever she wants with her friends separately. If she asks nicely give her a lift but other than that leave her to it.

I don’t think she even thought about booking tbh! Yes she can do it herself of course but she’s not the most organised

Tell Dad he isnt in charge for someones perferred birthday.spent with friends than family.
He can take a hike and have a lunch...im sure grandma will understand the teen ups & downs..or maybe tell them.it is Normal!

There comes a point when your DC have their own lives and that comes first.
For a 16th birthday friends trump family.
That's not to say family aren't included but the main event is with friends and family event is another day.
We paid for the meals out with friends as well.

Your DH is having trouble with recognising that your DC is nearly a grown up and in only 2 years she will have total agency over her own life. He wants her to be his "little girl" forever. You are right it is a "him" problem. This is not unusual.

Your DH needs to be reminded how fortunate he is
I have a good friend who's eldest granddaughter should be celebrating her 16th Birthday in August.
Unfortunately she died, aged nine on a family holiday, after suffering an allergic reaction
I'm sure her whole family would be absolutely thrilled for her to share her Birthday with her friends
Please allow your daughter to have the Birthday she wants , and I sincerely wish her the happiest of days x

This isn’t even a battle at all though, it should be down to a 16 year old how they spend their birthday, not the parents.
Perhaps she’s “defiant” because her have incredibly arbitrary rules and expectations.

Most young people I would imagine would want to go out with friends. They will love their families but not want to celebrate with a load of olds.

No she’s defiant because she’s ND. But I didn’t really want this to turn into a ‘she would be an angel if you were better parents’ thread.

she spends a lot of times with her friends as she had to move schools and we didn’t want her to feel isolated.

He has relented as expected and we’ll have a nice birthday brunch

I would prefer to spend the evening having a family meal on my kids’ birthdays but am under no illusion that friendships are SO important at that age. If I think back really hard to being a teenager, did I want to spend my time with old people instead of my mates? I did not, and if your husband is honest with himself I bet he didn’t either!

Life is too short to have weird issues around birthdays. I’m with you OP. Hate it when grandparents own weird rules affect the whole family

That's so weird, it's your DD's SIXTEENTH birthday and she should have control over her day. After all, at sixteen she (hopefully) has control over who she's sleeping with.

It’s either big dog or little dog sleeping in her room!

It's not his birthday and not his choice. She 16 now

Gawd at 16 let her go out her friends

I think it makes more sense to celebrate on the day with family and the nearest weekend with friends. That's how it's always been with my family. But then I had a term time birthday. So if it fell on a Tuesday, that would be a school day and that would be the family dinner. The following Friday would be the friend one.

Hitting the roof about that sounds a bit OTT though. Should have been discussed maturely, see if anything could he rearranged, if not - find a good compromise. Getting to the point that you're 16yr old is crying in her bedroom and no doubt will feel shitty however this lands now - doesn't achieve anything.

He's not leading by example on how to adult is he?

It’s a weekday and I’ll be working so I would prefer the weekend slot. And that’s reminded me to wfh so we can have a birthday lunch!!

wont see much of her anyway

Your DH sounds controlling

let her have dinner with friends and a family get together the day after

She's 16, it's time to start letting her go. Almost grown up. Grannie for lunch and friends in the eve? She should get to chose what she does on her b'day. Dad has behaved badly and it will taint the day if he carries on, he needs to say sorry.

OP you seem very passive about how controlling your husband is, why?

Because this is a snapshot - not his whole character.

anyway as I thought he would, he’s backed down. His bigger issue with the kids is credibility tbh

Sounds like the daddy doesnt like his daughter to grow up and do what she likes.

He’s already put a downer on her birthday. He’s conceded so everyone should be happy?