I’m being made a complete fool out off!

[Whatsgoingonnow65]

Is it me who is just out of times.

I have a 19 yr old DD, she has an 18yr old BF, both not as mature as their years.

Neither of them work. The BF is at my home all the time, lunches and dinners provided. They don’t help out at all with cooking or washing up. At the beginning I allowed him to stay over 1 night per week. It’s escalating and now asking nearly every night which I don’t allow but he does stay up to 3/4 nights. If I’m honest I end up feeling manipulated/bullied into allowing it as they start asking late on at night when he has no way of getting home. He lives in a different town.

Last night I spoke with them early evening and made sure he knew how/when he was leaving- all fine seemingly, then at 1130pm he could t get home.

I did lose the rag as I know they are taking the piss!!

I sound pathetic when I read it back. What would you do?

What are they doing during the day? College?

I would stop providing food to start with.
I'd also set out my expectations of cleaning up after themselves and agree in advance which days he can stay

No, they aren’t in college, currently not doing anything sadly.

You see I tried this before but the arguments cause me such anxiety and I almost feel they know this and are taking advantage.

How are they getting money? Do you charge rent?

Only you can sort this out you need to set boundaries and stick to them you've allowed one freeloader to add another freeloader and a third one may soon join the pack unless you step the fuck up and start parenting.

You need to be telling them, not arguing with them.

Thank you, of course I know you are right. I’ve let so much go but I’ll have to unwind it all and start from scratch with the ground rules.

Change the WiFi password and stop doing anything for the dossers.
Don't indulge your daughter in arguing, tell her the boyfriend can visit your house for X hours, daytime, one day a week (or whatever), he will not be sleeping in your house, eating your food or using any of your electric.

If she objects tell her there's nothing preventing her from moving out and living with the boyfriend. Of course she'll whine because that would mean actually being a productive member of society.

Make her aware that you providing housing for her is based on her behaving like a normal adult, doing chores and contributing to your house.

No need to have a row. But you do need to manage your own household.
Daughter needs to do a bit of cooking and clearing away. She can load the washing machine etc.
She also needs to be looking for something constructive to do. Be that a course of study or trying to get a job. And things being difficult is no excuse not to try.
Ditto boyfriend. Although I would talk to her about having him stay over all the time. Explain it isn’t just the sleeping but the food. Take her food shopping with you so she can see how much it costs. It is too much. Too late now but I think it was a huge mistake having him stay at all. So limit it. You cannot afford him !

I think your responsibility lies only with your daughter, let his parents deal with his lack of ambition & inability to follow rules.

Re your daughter, how does she afford a phone, public transport, clothes, make up? if you’re funding this then you need to limit it, i.e cover her phone bill/a bus pass/toiletries but stop buying clothes/giving spending money etc.

Set some time line boundaries she either needs a job or to be education by September, if not then reduce the above privileges (phone bill, bus pass) sounds harsh but what else can you do.

Set some house rules, if they aren’t going to financially contribute then they should be helping prepare food/tidy up, again use consequences to ensure they are getting the messaging, if they refuse to wash up then don’t by snacks/drinks, if they are messy then reduce her phone plan to basic package (ie very little data, you can set limits on this if she try’s to buy data etc)

I believe consequences work much better than trying to reason with teenagers.

Are they both getting benifits if so they should use that for food. If not if he lives in another town how does he pay to get home.
Does she go to his house to stay.
How does he get home on a bus or train.
Make sure he makes time to leave in time to get home or he can never stay. Stick to how many nights you think is acceptable maybe Saturday night.

So what are you doing to help / persuade your 19 year old daughter to move forward with her life?

These are crucial years which will impact the rest of her life - earnings, mental health, self-sufficiency. She absolutely needs to be in education, work, or training. How is she actively pursuing this goal? Today?

Presumably you are supporting her financially?

^ This.

Do you have a garden?

Perhaps buy a gardening book, some vegetable seeds (or just can just take the seeds out of tomatoes, bell peppers, etc) and get them working the land. Explain to them that they need to grow food to eat.

Draw up a cleaning schedule; Dusting; hoovering; polishing, etc.

What DIY skills are they capable of, or can learn (YouTube has great tutorials)?

This. Stop enabling.

I would sit my daughter down, I'd explain we have got into bad habits that you need to rectify. I would tell her you recognise she is an adult now and you have not been treating her as such. I would tell her I am not providing her with any more funding, for anything (assuming you are). I would remind her that Universal Credit is available for her whilst she is unemployed (they will also - helpfully for you - hound her to get a job).
(Choose your own limits to suit your lifestyle but in my case...) I would tell her her boyfriend is welcome to stop over on either a Friday or a Saturday as you work during the week and need peace and also want at least one day at the weekend for yourself. For that reason I would state he is not welcome to come over at any time on Sundays.
I would then, around 8pm or whatever time the last bus / train is, tell boyfriend he needs to leave on the nights he cannot stop over and not back down. Personally, if he won't go I'd threaten to phone the police to force him to leave to show I mean business (and I would too if necessary). I would stop providing any food for her or her boyfriend - I'd tell her she is an adult and so she should buy her own - and how she feeds her guests is her problem. I'd cook only for myself. This should helpfully make staying for long periods of time at your house far less comfortable too.
I'd live with those rules for a while and see how I felt after a month or two and how things were looking.

Personally I would relax the rules on him staying over and focus on the food side of things. Because it's hard to force someone to go home but it's easy not to cook food for them.

You stop feeding him and go in the room at 7pm and say “ok Dave, time to go” and stand at the door until he leaves.
if they try to argue, you say “he can’t stay and if he stays any later, he won’t get home”.

or you just stop him being in your house at all

How is it hard to ask someone in your house to leave? It’s your house!

What would I do?

I would be saying no to all the sleepovers, investigating times for his bus/train and telling him it's time to go half an hour before it leaves.

I would be telling my daughter in no uncertain terms that you will not be waiting on her and her boyfriend hand and foot, and it is now her responsibility to clean up after dinner when he is around. She can delegate to him or get him to help, but you won't be doing it.

I would also be telling her that you cannot feed him every night he is here, it's unfair on you and the rest of your family as you're catering for another adult that isn't in your budget.

She is an adult and needs to be treated like one, albeit one who is at the very early stages of adulthood and therefore needs things spelling out for her.

I think you also need to be having a strong conversation about her next steps and that she needs to start paying some keep and looking for a job.

This is all about you setting guidelines that she needs to follow.

Does she intend to get a job or is she going to do nothing for the rest of her life. I would also stop buying food and force them to go out and buy food for themselves.

I asked earlier but where are they getting money?

I would say ‘no’. To pretty much all of it.

Sorry, I missed it, she receives UC, not sure about him.

How does she have universal credit and not job seekers allowance.
Universal credit when unemployed you will usually be expected to spend up to 35 hours a week looking for a job, updating your CV, and attending meetings with your work coach.