If you have teens do you manage to work?

[Itistheweekend]

My 15teen DD is on my mind all the time. She is a good girl but it is a tricky age where they need do much support with the ups and lows.

My job is not too stressful fortunately; but some days I am not very efficient.

DH is supportive in the practical things but very busy with work.

How do you manage?

You have to compartmentalise

I don't work but then my teens have SN so it's different.

Need to learn this. How do you do it?

I don’t understand? Is something specific or urgent happening?

Is your DD at school most of the day? What’s happening that requires most of your focus every single day.

Well I did. I wanted the salary so I rendered my service. DD was so unwell at 15/17 work was an escape.

Yes. I work full time. I barely think about my kids or my family at work because I am focused on my work. I went back to work when my kids were 2 and 4 years old and when I am at work I am working and not thinking about home stuff. Unfortunately when I am home I do often think about work stuff.

Is there something huge going on that you are thinking about your teenager when you're meant to be working?

Significant disabilities aside, there would be no reason why you couldn’t work FT with a 15 year old. Surely a teenager is busy with school, friends, life and can be trusted to get themselves from A to B and let themselves into the house?

If not, there’s something wrong.

When you are at work, you focus on your work. You do not worry about your DD. If you catch yourself thinking about a non-work thing then "park" it (might be useful to have somewhere that you note the thing - e.g. a notebook or app in your phone) and carry on with work. Come back to the thing later in non-work time.

If there is a particular need to focus on her during the working day, you "formally" allocate time to that e.g. if you know you need to sort out a hospital appointment, you put aside 30 minutes of the day to doing it. Then you switch back to work mode. If she's around at home, then timetable slots where you will focus on her - for example that you'll sit and have lunch with her.

Of course. I have one teen, and the other 2 are now in their 20s. There were obviously some times where I would give them some thought at work or had to deal with their appointments etc, but most of the time I was just getting on with my job and didn't have time to do anything else.

I thought I would be back to full time by 15. Once she could transport herself to school, which is 15 where I live, I thought I could increase my hours. Dd has SN though and it just doesn’t work. There are too many days where I am needed on demand. There are too many doctor’s appointment’s. So I work part-time.

I think it’s easier when they are teens I have 4, my older 2 are adults now but younger boys are 15/16. I work 3 days as youngest has Sen but if he wasn’t I’d be back to full time. They need me yes but they also have some freedom and independence that younger children don’t. No lifts to school etc boys are maybe different I don’t know, but I can’t afford not to work

I don’t understand what you mean. Are you saying that you have a job but don’t actually do the work because you’re thinking about your teenager? That’s a bit mad.

You need to be more like your DH when you are at work. Your child is 15 not 5. If there is a emergency in the working day, they will call you. Otherwise, it waits until you are home.

Thank you. This is helpful

I can sort of understand this problem.

I know most people will think obviously you can work when your child is 15 !

but I too have had stages where I have struggled… for example with a school avoidance, (how can I be arguing with a teenager to get them to school / check she’s stayed/ find out where she is and be in work at the same time?)

or some ‘emergency’ where I’m being rung at work

we also went through a stage just after 18 where they were dicking about at all hours and that kept me awake and tired for the next day of work.

I would say of course you can work though. If nothing else it gives you a break from them and the chance to get some perspective

I get it op. Very much depends on your teens. But generally speaking teens need a lot of emotional support which can be mentally draining. A friend of mine who worked ft throughout her DCs’ childhoods is actually taking a sabbatical ro be more available to her three teens.

One of mine is autistic and I ended up reducing my hours then eventually not working for two years to get them back on track. It was worth having to make a lot of financial sacrifices for the peace of mind it gave us all. They were then able to return to ft education and I was able to return to work.

Exactly. It is not all the time; but they are time when they need more support and they are more in your mind.

I still manage to do my job but some days are more efficient than others.

Yes, it is the emotional support.

I know what you mean OP. I do work FT and always have done. My DC are 13 and 10, 13yo has autism and adhd. Girl - high masking, so while she doesn't have 'high needs' and is able to go to school, etc, focusing on work for me can be tough if she's had a bad morning or been 'explosive' before school. DH and I have stood in the kitchen for half an hour at the start of the work day many a time, 'debriefing' and trying to figure out what to do...

But, for the most part, like PP, I learnt to compartmentalise when she was younger. I had no choice really and had to crack on, even if she'd gone to school in tears or we'd had a flaming row on the way.

If you didn't work what could you do in a practical sense ..I imagine not working would just give you more time to worry

True

I think that's perfectly normal - it would be unusual not to think about them if there's an issue or problem in their lives. Very few people work in a vacuum where there isn't some level of noise from outside of work.

I don’t really get it. You have one DC, who you describe as well-behaved, and is 15 (so you have no school-runs, after-school childcare, packed lunches etc to have to worry about)… and yet you are so preoccupied by your teen that you can’t focus on the job you’re being paid for?

There’s either more to this story or it might be worth getting some therapy / counselling to look at anxiety / worry / rumination / circular thinking.

Basically I just thought they were more independent and needed you less until I realised they actually need lots of emotional support so I couldn’t do a full time demanding job; like I was doing before as I was emotionally and mentally drained and even though I was around to help, advice I don’t think I was emotionally available.

I want to be home early for them to support them in whatever way is needed.

It’s a juggling act. I’m finding teens need me in a different way. Dh wfh full time and I’m home 3 days a week so that helps. Just being there for when they walk in from school is a massive help when things are bumpy.