If you have teens do you manage to work?

[Itistheweekend]

My 15teen DD is on my mind all the time. She is a good girl but it is a tricky age where they need do much support with the ups and lows.

My job is not too stressful fortunately; but some days I am not very efficient.

DH is supportive in the practical things but very busy with work.

How do you manage?

I also get WhatsApps on days I’m in work from dc after school, usually when dd1 is on the bus.

I was all ready to read and run (instead of posting a judgy comment) but I do get what you mean. My eldest is 15 and a night owl, my youngest is 10 and an early riser. I work about 50 hours a week and my days are long. I’m up at 620 then in bed 1030 (unless I take time to decompress) however work keeps me sane and makes me feel valid.
Some topics I find need a switched on version of me so sometimes I’ll say- I know this is really important to you, i really want to know what you think and share my views; let’s do it x night when your sibling is in bed. Sometimes I have to set myself a reminder to follow up

I think I know what you mean. I have worked full time in busy demanding job since mine were little and in some ways now they are teenagers it is harder mentally than when they were small.

When small, it was really just a physical tiredness thing I had to push through at times.

But now it is more mental/emotional bandwidth I have to give which is exhausting when you are “spent” at the end of the day - I have clients and a team of people who all (as they should!) demand huge amounts of my mental headspace at work and so when I get home and my DD is having a meltdown about revision or whatever, I honestly struggle to deal with it calmly and sensitively!

But generally I don’t think/worry about my DC at all when at work beyond a passing thought 😬

Is she texting you at work or something?

Feeling that this week - having spent the past two days trying to WFH while regularly interrupted to help with Nat 5 Maths revision I had to work this morning on my day off to catch up. Just hoping the exam went ok, and wondering how much school Chemistry I can remember in case I'm needed next week.

But exams aside it's usually fairly easy to compartmentalise as PP have suggested if your job is busy and engaging enough. You don't need to be around and available all the time, that's part of their growing up and becoming independent, learning to solve their own problems, knowing that you will be their support if needed.

Not RTFT but I think this may be a girls vs boys issue. I have one 15 year old DS and he’s very independent and self sufficient. I work part time but could easily go full time if needed. He hasn’t ever had any friend dramas or got upset or worried/anxious about anything really. Meanwhile my friends with daughters seem to get really involved in the drama with friends and boyfriends. When I meet friends for lunch their daughters seem to message them almost constantly about whatever drama is ongoing in their lives. I don’t think I did this with my mum growing up. I think I relied on my friends more for support.
It’s easy for me to say but you need to maybe take a step back and teach your DD to be a bit more self sufficient. You can’t hold her hand forever and when they enter the workplace it won’t be as forgiving. She’ll just need to get on with things.

I wondered about this. With phones etc they are able to infiltrate your thoughts a lot more than we could have done to our parents. It was 10p in school pay phone for us in an emergency !

she needs to understand boundaries as much as you need to set them

I get this - parenting teens is far far harder than littles. Yes it can be rewarding but is draining and relentless. The problems are complex and social Media’s impact has a lot to answer for.

Even when they’re not texting, there does seem to be a huge mental load with teens. I have 3 girls aged 14-18 and this is harder than 3 years ago even though they are well behaved and lovely dc. Last weekend was uni accommodation and applying for maintenance loans, then dd2 is needing support with Duke of Edinburgh and dd3 higher level dance comps. Or gcse revision support, driving test prep, looking at 6th form options (our schools don’t have 6th forms), emotional support through tricky friendship issues which are inevitable. It’s hard to describe but I am finding this age takes a lot of headspace.

Exactly.

She doesn’t text me or call me at work

Anyone with teens who can manage to not work is very lucky - they’re bloody expensive! I actually enjoy work as it gives me a bit of an escape from home life. Being so busy all day and talking to patients/colleagues always gives me a bit of perspective and takes my mind off things. Yes, DD has had some very difficult periods but you just have to get on with life. To be frank, it’s a bit over dramatic to say that you can’t manage a full time/demanding job because of perfectly normal teen behaviour - it doesn’t set much of an example to them in terms of resilience!

I work in a senior role and had two teens. At work I was focussed on my job. At 15 they should be independent, and at school during term time. You can focus on them in the evenings and weekends. They also have to learn resilience and problem solving. Cooking and cleaning for themselves if necessary, socializing with their friends, managing their homework etc. any support they need to learn this can be done outside work hours.

The struggle is real! We allowed ourselves the luxury of a SAHP when we had teenagers living at home. Like the OP, I assumed it would become easier as the children got older because my sisters and I had all been independent and competent by the time we got into our teens, but our children needed a lot more parental input at the same age. I sometimes resented having sole responsibility for bringing in an income, but I couldn't have done my job reliably if I'd had to manage it around the children's needs. DH was happy with the domestic/parental responsibilities and less restless than I'd have been, but he was ready to go back to work when the time came.

Yes, I work. So does DH. How else are we to keep her in Sol de Janeiro sprays?

Exactly that. I also work because I want my DC to see both mum and dad working and because I want them to have a nice lifestyle.

I’m confused , is this your only child ? And you can’t work because you can’t stop thinking about her ?

OP I mean this kindly but this level of over-involvement in your teen’s life and internal thoughts / projected needs is not healthy for you or your teen.

The attachment levels are all skewed and OTT. Do you have an anxious attachment style? Do you tend to over-empathise / try to eradicate any trace of normal human struggle from your DD’s life?

You’re doing her no favours. And what on earth will you do when she leaves for uni in 2-3 years?

@Emerald187 Right?! No wonder no one has any resilience these days.

I work part time and mostly from home so I’m around for ds after school. he mostly just needs a bit of company, prompting to make a snack, a “how was your day?” And a friendly face or someone to have a rant to sometimes which can be done while wfh mostly especially if I don’t take a full lunch hour.

You are obviously a very competent person but I find your post a bit judgy. The way I dealt with my teen’s issues was taking time away from work precisely so I wasn’t modelling being an overwrought stress head with mh issues myself! Sometimes it’s ok to admit that you can’t be all things to all people all of the time. And that’s a good lesson for dc to learn as well.

Another one not really understanding the dilemma. Ima single parent with 2 teens. One just turned 13, the other 16 and in the middle of sitting her higher exams. They both have a hobby that needs a lot of involvement from my self. I’m generally exhausted from having to fit it 2 jobs plus the daily hobby involvement but that would be true whatever the age. At least they get up and ready and get themselves to school now, can do parts of their hobby independently, can muck in with house work. Of course they need support but during work they are at school mostly. I have no choice to take on extra hours where possible though. Obviously the dc have a disability or struggling with mental health it could be different though

This thread baffles me.

I don’t really understand. There were times as a teen where I wanted to speak to my mum. She worked FT and was home by 6pm. She was a single mum, no dad in the picture and no one else I could go to. I waited until she got home to speak to her. We actually had some traumatic stuff going on as a family, but I had to cope and had to be emotionally resilient until my mum was available (mentally and physically) to be able to offer emotional support.

What is going on that is so drastic it’s difficult to work when you have a teenager specifically?

Same. At 15 I barely was home and didn’t really ask anything of my parents. Apart from the usual food tech “why don’t we have sesame oil?” At 10pm at night

I don’t have a teenager, but do have a profoundly autistic 9 year old who has various challenges, many of them emotional, and attends a specialist provision.

Both myself and my partner work full time. We’re available before school and after work, and all day at the weekend. Obviously also in emergencies.

We work all day, and personally I don’t spend those work days thinking about him or his needs - unless something serious comes up. But day to day, they’re almost separate lives.

I do struggle to understand how your “average” 15 year old needs someone to say hello to them the minute they get home from school, I would have assumed before now that most of them would manage to wait for their parent to be available.

It took a village. Days were fine my DD excelled at school, weekend nights were wild. She remained a concern well into her 20’s. My poor colleagues were fully aware of all the drama involved supportive etc. But other than coffee break banter I did my best.