What age did you find hardest with teenage daughters?

[Tricklinn]

I’ve been wondering about this and would love some honest perspectives…

For those of you with daughters, what age did you find the hardest during the teenage years? And on the flip side, was there an age that felt like a bit of a “sweet spot”?

I’m hearing everything from early teens being the trickiest to later teens being more challenging in different ways, and I’m curious what people’s real experiences have been.

Is there a stage where things tend to improve again, or is it just a case of different challenges at different ages?

Would really appreciate any insights (or reassurance!) from those who’ve been through it.

Do you have a daughter OP? How old is she now?

I found from age 12 - 18 was absolute hell , my daughter nearly broke me .

13-19 was hell on earth for me.

My DD is 16 and is pretty chill (so far!). I haven’t had any issues with her but as she becomes more independent I can sense her pulling away which is difficult. I try to carve out time for just us (I also have DS 15) and go for brunch or a film night together which seems to help.

16-17 they turned into horned demons! 😆 Lovely, sweet, kind, thoughtful children up to then, then they suddenly went defiant, rude, and cheeky, pushing boundaries, talking down to me (and DH,) insulting our home and car (even though it housed them and drove them everywhere they wanted to go!) and OMG they were sooooo entitled! It was like a total change of personality.

I'm aware that people have much worse problems with teenage children, and bigger issues in general, but OMG it was difficult at the time. I didn't recognise my own DD! Lasted in all honesty to about 19 or 20. I was so glad when they started to return to normal-ish by 20-ish. But it would be another 8 or so years before they were properly grown up, mature, kind, thoughtful, and like the loving DD we once knew. SO glad when they returned. (They're early 30s now.....)

Good luck @Tricklinn Teenage girls are quite hard work!!!

I have an 11yo DD so am very interested to read this thread 🫣

Those who had awful problems, are you able to explain why it was so bad, and what you would do differently in hindsight?

My DD is suffering with emerging hormones, we get a few sulks and rages but generally she has a good temperament and personality.

I am currently doing my best to remain calm and understanding but sometimes don't know whether I should be 'helping her through them' or sort of teacher to get on with stuff, iykwim

I don't want to indulge the sulking and whilst we all have bad moods I am already a bit fed up of her raging for an hour then coming back to me apologetic saying she knows she's overreacted!!

@DontBuyANewMumCashmere Honestly, I don't think I or DH (and probably many other parents) did anything wrong. We were taken by surprise by it, and if we had another child now, I don't know what we would do differently, because we did nothing wrong, (I don't think!) Good luck with yours. There's a chance they may be fine. Not all teens are little horrors! 😆(Plenty are! But not all!)

Other posters may say different, and may be able to give some advice/suggestions, but I really don't know what DH and I would do differently, because I don't know what we did wrong - if anything!

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DD1 is 13 soon and she definitely has phases of making it clear we are Not Cool, we are in fact super unreasonable and have no idea how the world works. But she is still up for a family day out, holidays, shopping trips etc. I am hoping that the bad bits don't become the new normal because she isn't much fun at those times!

I was a total nightmare from 12-20. My daughter is 13 and it’s not terrible yet but I’m bracing myself! It’s hard in some ways - she is pulling away from us and avoiding us more and more, which I know is totally natural. But actually the defiance and tantrums and such hit a peak at 11 and it’s been calmer since. Will see if it ramps up again!

I found the years from 0 to adulthood the worst.

Omg ! Wow! Did something trigger it ? So no build up at all?

She’s just turned 12 and lovely 80 percent of time but gets triggered by school and has issues with anxiety… just wondering when things are likely to peak as im bracing myself for 6 years of it x

My daughters are 20 and 18 and they haven't been difficult at all. They both made a really nice group of friends at secondary school which really helped I think. They never fell out with their friends or turned on each other within their groups which seems to be a common cause of issues. I suppose there is time for them to change, but hopefully not. 🤞

my dd is only 12 so not a teenager yet but she started her periods at 9 so we’ve already had a lot of the hormones and teenage attitude . She’s actually ok at the moment . She does have her moments and lots of eye rolling and wanting to rot in her room but she doesn’t give us too much grief . My mum said I was worst at 16-17 and looking back I can see why and agree .

I’m interested to know whether the people who say that it was absolutely awful were themselves very difficult in their teen years?

I was awful to my mother from about 12-17, and have apologised as an adult but I remember so vividly how it felt to be trapped in a body that felt emotionally out of control, full of rage and scorn and frustration at my situation. (In fact I’ve felt it a little again recently with the rise of perimenopause, it’s definitely hormonal).

I’m hoping - perhaps very naively - that this will help me understand my two girls when they are teens and maybe find it less difficult myself when they become difficult. But I’m not there yet, so who knows…

When they started college was the change.... (16 going on 17.) No build up as far as I can remember... They started mixing with older lasses. Some were 19. A few were 20. All of a sudden they just acted so entitled, and cheeky, and arrogant, and rude, and they tried to keep up with the older girls/be like them. Tried to act like adults, necking booze, and staying out later than we had told them to be in.

I mean, on reflection (as I said earlier) they could have been waaaay worse but it was a culture shock, as they were little diamonds before. Genuinely lovely and sweet. So the personality change shocked us! It was a phase though. (Thankfully!) And they never started smoking though thankfully.

We did have a lot of patience and tolerance, as we knew it was 'just the teen years' but OMG it was tough at the time. As I said, we barely recognised them!

They did snap out of it thank goodness!!! By 19-20!

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Mine were good teenagers. The only hard thing was watching them go through the challenges of hormones and exam stress. I think it’s important to give them strong boundaries and a bit of sympathy because it is a difficult time for them. They are also growing up so you have to recognise that and allow them to do it. I appreciate I was probably lucky but just wanted to say that it doesn’t have to be awful.

Those grumpy teenage years started at 11 with DD. She could barely bring herself to talk to me or even look at me when she was 13. By 14 she was mostly through it and it's been pretty smooth sailing since then. I'm glad we got it out of the way so early. Conversely DS is 14 and still hasn't really started with any attitude yet....

I have three.

DD1 (undiagnosed AuDHD through teen years) was fine. The odd argument and very passively resistant to things she didn't want to do but no tantrums and generally all right.

DD2 hell on legs from 12 until 18. Once she went off to Uni she mellowed a lot, I think she just didn't like anyone having any element of control over her (ha!)

DD3 somewhere between the two. Very dramatic, lots of flouncing and High Emotional Conversations from 13 - 17 but none of the 'getting off the school bus two stops early and disappearing' like her elder sister. Again, she improved a lot once she went off to university.

All three are in their thirties now and absolutely fine, lovely women.

My daughters are early 20s. They have never been a problem to be honest.

Mine were / are pretty great. Dd2 would wear some dodgy outfits and their (authorised) parties were quite hair raising. But they were not rude or horrible to us and are fab company.

Other peoples vile teens were the worst we had to deal with dd2 had a tough time at 13 with some evil “friends”.

More or less sailed through, a bit withdrawn around 16/17 but that was mainly due to college stress. She's 20 now and great.

My daughter always was and still is a delight. She has her own 20 year old daughter now and she also is lovely . Maybe I’m just easy going though as I also have 2 sons . DS1, very much like his sister and DS2 who was always a handful,from the time he managed to break out of his cot by 15 months to being diagnosed as ADHD as a 47 year old . As my mum would say , none of them ever brought the police to my door , so I claim success 😂.

I absolutely agree that alot of teenager behaviour can come from them feeling like they don't have control over their own lives. It is hard as a parent to keep up.with the parenting that the child in front of you needs. Parenting a teenager means moving to being in control of their whole life to having no control & trusting them. Inevitably as parents we make mistakes and misjudgements in this.

Being prepared to reconsider judgements and really listen to them is important but noone is important and the conflict is a product of them pushing for more agency in their own lives.

14-16 without a doubt.

My eldest two were both such hard work for those years. My 2nd dd is 17 in sept and she’s pretty much perfect now (temperament wise!) my dd13 is now showing all the same signs of attitude that the older two did. Which is hitting even harder becuase she’s been an angel her whole life so thought I’d dodged it this time 😂