Dd and first boyfriend. I feel out of my depth.

[PortraitWay]

Dd 14 has been going out with a boy (also 14) for a few months. They see each other every other weekend. To start with they would meet up and walk around local park, cinema and bowling etc. Now however, I found out dd has been to his house.
We never agreed to any meetings at each other’s houses yet. Dd was at his house for several hours and they were supposed to be bowling and at a local arcade.
His parents were at home and it was only when they offered to drive dd back home that I found out.

I don’t know what is considered normal for this age. I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was older and more mature.

My main concern is the fact they lied and I’m assuming spent time alone In his room. Dd says they watched a film but I don’t know if I can trust her after she lied.

Is this normal at this age? I don’t like the thought of house meetups and now have a phone tracker on which me and dd both decided to do.

What should I do if I find out she’s gone to his house again? I won’t be allowing it so it would be a case that she has lied to go there again.

As my title says I feel very out of my depth. The teenage years are very difficult l.

Chances are they won't be sensible unless you provide some guidance. And if they want to have sex then they will be having it whether they're in a house or not. If parents are there then chances are they won't be doing it whether the door is open or closed - a field or a bush is better than a bed with nosey parents around at that age!

Re you not being able to force her to be on contraception - when I was 15 I started seeing an 18 year old (years ago when it wasn't seen as a problem). My mum made me an appointment at family planning and I was put on the pill. She said "this isn't permission to have sex, this is to make sure your life isn't ruined at your age if something does happen". She understood that things can happen no matter how many rules are put in place. And my mum was a strict one, but obviously sensible.

I would encourage her to look into contraception because whether she has sex with this boyfriend or waits a year or so, she should be prepared.

By the way, after I was put on the pill I didn't start having sex with him straight away. I still waited 6 months or so until I was ready (in my teenage mind I was ready anyways, even if not legally). However, I actually lost my virginity at 14 to someone else. Stupid little girl having a drink on a weekend and gave in to some lad. Obviously I am not saying thats the alternative, but I'm sure you would prefer for her to be safe in a boyfriend's parents house than doing what I did (my parents would never believe I did that kind of thing at 14 - with my experience I like to think I am more tuned in to what my own kids could be getting involved in but you just never know, which is why I'm a believer in encouraging daughters to get safe contraception for them)

Teenagers often don’t have the money to be constantly out at bowling and arcades. Give them some slack and invite the boy round - get to know him. Maybe if you do that, it will put your mind at ease a little.

I would be utterly amazed if those children who are banned from having a boyfriend, actually respect that ban. Staggered, in fact.

You can prevent her having sex by setting lots of rules. And even if you could, do you actually think that's the best approach?

You need to talk to her about sex properly, try to make her understand that it would be a bad idea at this point. Most kids actually don't have sex at 14, and that isn't because their parents ban it. It's because most kids understand they are too young for such a big step.

I understand why you’re concerned and yes it’s the lying about where they were that is a bit of a worry, however it’s possible they intended to go to wherever they said they were going and then plans changed and she just didn’t think to update you.

My DS (14) has had a girlfriend (also 14) for a few months now. It’s all very innocent thankfully, but the first time she invited him to her house, we were pretty concerned. However we just laid down some ground rules and he is only allowed to go to her house if her parents are home. Luckily she has 3 little siblings so their chances of privacy are nil, and they aren’t allowed (by her parents) up in her room, they have to stay in the communal areas of the house. I don’t know her parents, which feels odd, but I do trust my son and she seems like a lovely girl.

The ones I knew who were banned from having boyfriends tender to either
a) be more sexually active than the rest of us
or
b) hugely vulnerable when they reached adult life because they hadn't had the normal "gradually gaining independence" experience in adolescence

My sons the same age and his girl friend comes for tea, they’ll chat about stuff with me then slope off to the front room to play the switch etc
Sometimes they’ll go upstairs if we’re watching tv and they want to watch something else, the rule is that the doors get left open and as his youngest brother (5) is always in and out I’ve never really worried about it.
They’ll walk the dog if it’s nice or just hang out.
They do the same at her house as well as I’m friends with her Mum.
Your daughter will lie and sneak around if you don’t allow him to come to the house…

How do you ban a 14yr old girl from having a boyfriend? Lol, asking to be lied to

Why not speak to his parents?

Strictness has no correlation with lying as a teenager. My stepdad was a strict, abusive bully and I lied to him, my mum was laissez faire when he worked away and I lied to her. Teenagers will often lie regardless.

You just do the best you can. It's normal for teenagers to have their boyfriends and girlfriends over. I would rather have them in my house and be able to keep an eye on them anyway but I would always be encouraging having a boyfriend or girlfriend round for dinner etc. My daughter has had friends of both sexes round so it would be a bit weird not to have a boyfriend/girlfriend round and keep them specifically out of the house.

Have you spoken to the bf's parents? Find out what their rules are. Have you said to your DD that you're willing to have him come to your house, with certain restrictions in place? Is the consequence of her lying that you have put a tracker on her phone? I think you need to pick your battles and work out what it is you're worried about - if it's underage sex then supervising their contacts is better than insisting they meet outdoors.

Its more important that shes honest with you than "bahaving"

You never said she couldnt go to his house, and you dont know why their plan changed. So id talk to her about 1. Why its important not to lie 2. Contraception 3. Emotional risks of sex and almost sex 4. What the rules would be if she wanted him in your house

1. Why whatever she does, whether you approve or not youll always be there for her

Id let this go and build on communication. You cant stop her doing this, almost all teenagers lie about something AND if she trusts you, youll have less problems

Best of luck

I don’t really understand why you wouldn’t allow them to go to each others house, it’s their home. It doesn’t mean they’re automatically going to start having sex in the house, they’ll find somewhere to do that if they want to and in my experience, this generation are a bit more reluctant to do that than we were at that age. Wanting to hang out at home around their families is a good sign that they feel safe from judgement, I’d take that as a win.

You do know sex doesn’t just happen in bedrooms? 😆

Time for a serious chat with her if you haven’t already. Don’t lecture, listen and ensure she knows all you would like her to know. Have the underage chat and sex sec chat etc if you haven’t already. Being strict will force them to lie, rather than not do whatever it is you think they’re doing.

I dont think theres anything wrong with saying no dating until 16 and should be normalised between parents. Me and other mums sort of had a no dating until 16 pact from primary school and its served them well and was normalised.

Theyre too young to be navigating relationships and need to concentrate on their studies and learning who they are as young woman. Given time and space to do so.

But i dont think you can turn around at this age and predicanent and implement no dating now.

Its not good that she has lied to you, maybe the rules have been a grey area. Time for you to make them clear now if you can.

Theres nothing wromg with being a strict parent when the goal is to allow your young woman time and space to grow, take the pressure off by removing the option of dating off the table completely.

At 14 they should be busy with studies and extra curricular skill building and possibly a bit of volunteering linked to their long standing clubs like sports, guides or cadets.

Wandering around a park aimlessly seems an issue of too much wasteful time on their hands.

I hope things work out for you both.

I don't think you sound too strict, she's only 14 and you are wanting to set boundaries. In my experience teenagers actually want reasonable boundaries, particularly as all this is unknown territory for them as well, and they need to know they can talk to you if something goes wrong or something happens they are not sure of or are uncomfortable able. It doesn't have to be a "big chat", but maintaining a dialogue with them - talking side by side in the car often helps. When DD2 had a boyfriend at 15, I had a chat with his mum and we got on well. While I didn't neccesarily know the parents of platonic friends, I think it is good to be acquainted with parents of boyfriends when they are so young and it seems serious.

I would prefer them to meet at my home than a local park. Is your fear that his home has a bed in it?

What do you mean by friends are “not allowed boyfriends”. All that means is that if they do have a boyfriend the parents know nothing about it. Much less healthy. I wouldn’t say that’s a yardstick to measure your approach by.

A roaming date is less manageable than a home date, so this is a positive development. You have oversight when they are in the home. Sync up with boyfriends parents on keeping bedroom doors open, frequent tea and snack deliveries, and other clandestine monitoring techniques - you'll be in a better situation than you thought you had been when they were roaming the town.

I think you're being too strict and agree with PP that it might put your daughter off being open with you. I don't know the right answer but with my 14 year old and his girlfriend they are allowed in his room (with the cheap flimsy door through which you can hear everything) shut. I have spoken to him openly about sex and all the reasons why it's not a good idea at this age and that I am trusting him and his gf to be sensible and wait but if they need to they can always talk to me.

I was over sixteen when I first had sex but my then BF and I had done everything but by then - and since we didn't go to each others houses it was all in woods etc. I'd prefer my DC not!

They like spending time together just like friends do. Don't you remember how incredible it felt to like a boy and they like you back? To hold hands and feel on top of the world? It is a wonderful thing.

On that note I would also talk to her about repeated enthusiastic consent, tracking her periods and what to do if she thinks she may be pregnant. Would she be able to buy a pregnancy test? Would she ask you to buy one? Could she come to you and you would respond in a kind manner?

Talk to her about abortions and taking some tablets vs a medical procedure. Talk to her about giving birth, lots of programs on this like One Born Every Minute, talk to her about adoption and raising a child. This is the reality of being in a relationship, at some point she will have sex, it might not be for years but it might also be next week.

My children watched Juno when they were teens. We talked about just because you are pregnant doesn't mean you have to have a baby, slightly wrong because I have two sons who won't have any say over whether a pregnancy is terminated. I will tell you that at my sons' school a 15 year old girl was pregnant and the father was 14. She kept the baby. He was beyond devastated and didn't want to be a Dad that young. She was year 10.

I also talked to mine about everything you can do that isn't penis in vagina sex. My devout Catholic Mother told me nothing about sex or relationships so I just found out by doing stuff. I wanted mine to be informed.

Maybe contact his mum and agree on rules, like they can spend time at each other's houses but if in bedrooms keep doors open, etc. Meanehile have thst chat with your daughter. If she's determined to do the deed she probably will so she needs to be prepared, but tell her what you expect and that it's illegal until she's 16. If she lives u der your roof she should expect to follow your rules. They should be allowed to each other's houses, though.

My Dd is now 18 , she had her first bf at 14 . I got his mums number and we swapped details and got permissions before allowed in houses .
soon became a regular visitor and gave me opportunity to get to know him . He’s no longer around but other boys have been , not all parents are the same but mostly very happy to swap numbers and know who their children are hanging around with

It doesn’t take a room in a house to do anything.

Why not ask him over to your home so you can get to know him better. Set rules when he's there, if they're in her room, door stays ajar, no lying in bed, just on top of the covers, time he leaves etc. You have to trust your DD & keep communications open with her. If you're too strict she'll rebel & go against you. If he's a decent kid then he'll respect you're looking out for your DD & it won't be an issue. Be there for your girl so she knows she can talk to you about anything & offer advice only when she asks.

My youngest of four has just got her first boyfriend at 16 (17 next month). Her sisters all had their boyfriends younger than she was - 14/15.

I’ve just sat down with them, told them to be careful and make sure they use contraception if they want to take things further and told them that if they find themselves in a situation they are uncomfortable or scared in them call me and I will get them. Making sure they are able to talk to me if they need to was the most important role so that if things went wrong - health/pregancy/abuse I could step in to help at the soonest point.

Fortunately they have all been fine and all in their 20’s now except the youngest.