I removed her bedroom door

[pinkpeta]

Background: My eldest is 15. We’ve always had quite a close relationship. She has always been able to confide in me about almost anything to the point where her friends always seem shocked because some of the things she tells me, they wouldn’t tell their mums. We spend a lot of time together and she’s generally been a good kid. Never really given me any trouble.
I have also worked from home most of her life until mid 2025 as she’s more independent now I felt like I could work outside of the home. I ended up having to work 7 days on, 2 days off (but worked locally so I could come home on my break)

When I started working outside of the home, she was fine initially but started spending more time with friends and a cousin that’s the same age as her. She went to her cousins one day and secretly created a TikTok account. Around that time she had also complained of not being allowed to manage her devices herself. So I allowed her to take control of them in the hope that she would learn to manage her own screen time effectively. That was all in Aug. By end of September she had started SH. When I asked her why she just kept saying she felt sad and didn’t know why. She told me in December. Her attendance and punctuality dropped to 83% as she wasn’t waking up on time and was constantly late to lessons. I left work in Jan and around that time she told me she had tried a vape. I didn’t tell her off. I asked her a few questions times which she answered. She assured me it was a handful of times and that she didn’t like it so didn’t see herself doing it again.
Then I saw a message to one of her friends where she had told them she tried Mary Jane. We have had many many conversations about this in the past and she’s well aware of the dangers. She was always very anti smoking and always told her friends who vaped to quit.
When I questioned her about this she began to say she has been having thoughts of unaliving herself.
I contacted the GP and a private counsellor.
At the end of the week a teacher called to tell me she spotted her vaping after school. Again when I asked about this she started to say she didn’t care about herself anymore and wanted to unalive.
2 weeks ago I had a look on her TikTok at the content she was liking and looking at. It was very dark content featuring pretty girls around the same age as her, with sad music and writing centred around SH and Suic… There were so many posts like that. And we know what the algorithm is like, when you like something it’s only going to keep showing up. She had liked hundreds of those sorts of posts. she also made a very concerning post about the teacher who had called me about the vaping.
I took her off all socials, changed passwords and usernames. I also confiscated the iPad and restricted the phone. When I told her that she wasn’t allowed on socials anymore due to the nature of her post, she cried, went to school and on her way, messaged her cousin to say she was going to end it. I had to contact the school and they took her out of class. When asked she described what she had planned to do. I had to go and get her and take her to a&e. CAMHS spoke to us both and discharged her.
Since being off socials she has generally been much better but yesterday we spoke to the CAMHS lady and she did an initial assessment and it seemed to make her slip back into the sad state. Her friend was here doing her hair and I was in the kitchen. I had a sudden feeling that I should check what they were up to.
I walked into the room and I felt like she was hiding something, I found a vape tucked under her shirt. I also cleaned her room 3 days ago as found 2 others hidden in socks.
When I was on the phone to the lady from CAMHS, I had asked her to watch her younger siblings and I believe she was vaping in front of them. I didn’t speak when I found the vape. I just went and got the drill and removed her bedroom door. Again she began to tell me she wanted to unalive. I’ve noticed she tends to express this when caught doing something she shouldn’t be. She cried a lot for the remainder of the evening and barely spoke to me today. For the first time, she didn’t hug me or talk to me before she left for school, even though we spent an hour with me helping her do her hair.
Not sure what to do about it all. Exhausted.
Hands down worst Mother’s Day 🥲

if you’ve made it to the end of this post, I greatly appreciate you.

Such a sad and frightening situation. No more SM, the door does have to go back on, I’m afraid. You are at your wits end.

The SM ban will be difficult but no good can come from it. You trusted her and gave her autonomy over her use of SM and look where you are now.

My DGD, 14 has a phone but never has had a smart phone. Of course she knows what is going on in the world of SM, her friends tell her. But she has no SM accounts and has no smart phone to doom scroll, locked in her bedroom. She protested in year 7, but is now at the stage of not missing what she has never had.

Put the door back on, tell her that SM is not happening. Try to repair your relationship and insist that she comes out of her room and spends time with the family, which is actually non negotiable. Yes teens need their privacy but that does not mean they have the right to spend all of their time in their bedrooms.

You had a special relationship with her previously, you can get it back.

That’s a shame because if you had read the thread you would know that OP posted on the very first page that she never intended to leave the door off for any length of time and is going to put it back on.

It’s really frustrating to see people comment on such a difficult and painful situation where the OP has asked for help without bothering to read her posts. It’s not policing the thread to point out that the OP has acknowledged (on page 1) that she knows removing the door wasn’t the right thing to do. It’s also clear it was done in fear and desperation and not because she wants to abuse and harm her daughter.. I think it can be powerful as a parent to admit when you got it wrong and apologise.

OP I’m really sorry to hear what you and your DD are going through. I have a 16 year old and I’d agree with turning a blind eye to vapes atm, I find the odd one in the bedroom at times. TikTok is tricky - at this age they are approaching adulthood and need to learn at some point to manage social media and from my perspective I think an outright ban is unrealistic although having said that given what she is watching and her post about her teacher I can see why you are at that point. It’s very hard.

Nope, not going to calm down. IF she has put it back, good. but my feelings on it stand. its atrocious behaviour. I had it done to me, unless you've had to deal with that kind of humiliation and invasion of privacy as a teenage girl you have no idea what it feels like.

With what the OP's daughter has going on, its was huge mistake, and would only compound her negative emotions, not improve anything.

I had to it done to me as a teenager. Yes, it's not the right move, but the OP is clearly desperate and looking for help, and not an abusive parent. She doesn't need you to tell her that you'd be reporting her to social services.

Especially after more than a hundred replies that have all already said removing the door was a mistake.

And yet you're still going.

Do you understand that, for many posters, the point isn't that the OP intended to put the door back soon?

The point is that it is an awful thing to have done, and it does - sorry OP, but it really does - need more than just 'it's ok, I put it back on'.

I get that it's really frightening when you don't know what to do and you are both scared for your child, and worried they have crossed all sorts of lines and you are angry. And of course it's not unusual to overreact, and I get that taking the door off may well have been very out of character.

But the reason people are still concentrating on it is that the OP doesn't seem to think it's a huge deal - she seems to think that because she meant to put it straight back, it's somehow ok. And it isn't.

It's really frightening for a child to suddenly realise that the things they thought were absolute personal rights - like privacy, like having a door that shuts - can be taken away from them on a whim.

Just wondering about her hormones OP, has she started periods? Do you notice any patterns of low mood at certain times?

OP, I'm so sorry this is happening. It must be heartbreaking - and terrifying.

I do wonder if you're rather controlling? You've mentioned managing her social media time, taking off her door, 'putting her back in running club'. Does she actually have agency over what she does? Maybe it's worth letting her have some small wins. So vaping could be an 'if you must' while social media is a hard no, due to the content she watches. Parents often make the mistake of being too strict and their child inevitably rebels - or resents.

Maybe also carve out some regular time just for the two of you. Go for tea and cake, or a pedicure, or a new walk. These are all distractions from day to day life and its worries and provide a great opportunity for her to talk.

DS started vaping at 15, we removed his Netflix password.

He still vapes, he is making his own choices and that is such a hard thing to accept as a parent imo.

Keep taking her to appts.

We had access to ds's devices I told he was 16 btw.

However, a PP has said that when they experienced a similar issue, CAMHS advised that the teenager’s door should be open at all times when the teenager is in their room - there’s not a huge leap between that and what the OP did. Either way, no privacy for the teenager in their room. And things improved.
Yes, OP went a step further and removed the door, but it sounds probable that even when the door is put back on, and if they continue with CAMHS, there will need to be a ‘door constantly open’ rule in any case.

See, I think they are very different?

Saying to a child, ok, we have to have a rule that your door stays open, because we have consulted the professionals and we and they are worried about you, is one thing.

Taking a screwdriver to the door and removing the door, is totally different. I would think a child might find that really frightening.

It's like the difference between me saying to a small child 'ok, sorry, but you have to swallow this horrible-tasting medicine; I know you think it's disgusting but I've been to the GP and checked and it's absolutely necessary' and me sitting on the child and forcing something horrible into their mouth without any consultation or preamble.

Not saying the OP meant it to feel like that, but I think it is important.

I'm so sorry. This sounds really hard.

There are lots of more knowledgeable posters but I'd probably forget about the vape right now. With everything else going on, it's so minor and I suspect a battle you wont win. Maybe set some rules about it eg not in front of siblings. Make it clear you are not happy and make sure she knows the dangers but right now you need to keep communications open and focus on the really important stuff, like social media and cannabis.

I hope you come through the other side quickly.

It sounds like you’ve been really proactive and caring in trying to support her, and the fact she has historically felt able to talk to you is a really positive sign that the relationship is still a strong protective factor. When teenagers start saying they don’t care about themselves or talk about wanting to die, it’s usually a sign that they’re feeling overwhelmed or ashamed rather than simply trying to avoid consequences, so continuing to treat those statements seriously and keeping professionals like CAMHS involved is really important. The social media content you found can have a huge impact on mood, especially when algorithms keep feeding the same dark material, so it makes sense that she seemed a bit better after coming off it. The vaping and hiding things may be more about coping or fitting in than rebellion, so keeping the focus on understanding how she’s feeling and maintaining open communication may help more than escalating punishments. This is an incredibly stressful situation for a parent, but it’s clear you’re trying to protect her and get her the help she needs.

Consider removing the smartphone entirely and replacing it with a basic phone that only allows calls and texts. This keeps communication open while removing constant access to social media. At the same time, help her discover a new activity or hobby that genuinely excites and engages her, giving her something positive to focus on.
It’s important not to underestimate the impact social media can have on a developing teenage brain, especially for someone who is already vulnerable. The constant comparison, pressure, and exposure can be overwhelming. SM is designed to be deeply addictive, so limiting access can be an important protective step, one that I think should be made for all.kids under 16 years of age.

Just as important, though, is how this change is approached. The goal shouldn’t be punishment for poor choices, but protection and support. Building trust on both sides matters far more than simply imposing rules. When she feels heard, respected, and involved in the conversation, she’s far more likely to understand the reasoning behind the boundaries and to rebuild healthy habits. Open communication, patience, and consistency can make this a collaborative step forward rather than something that feels like a penalty.

Wishing you lots of luck.

I agree the way it was done was not right and would probably make things feel worse for the teenager - but it’s already been established the OP acted irrationally and out of desperation and will put the door back on, so I was just focusing on the similar ‘no privacy’ aspects and hopefully positive long term impact of having no closed door on the room.

Simply because this post has greatly concerned me I'm going to add is nobody concerned about the safety of the Teacher?

OP has stated it was a shocking note written about the Teacher & it would be treated as a crime. I've said in a previous post the OP should report this to the medical profession & social services. The child is suicidal,she self harms,reads dark internet content & is obviously extremely mentally ill.

I feel deeply sorry your daughter is going through this OP but hiding a few objects is not enough. Please beg for the help this child so desperately requires before its too late. Again my thoughts are a referral to a young person's inpatient mental health facility.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. Positives are that you had a good relationship with her in the first place, and that you seem to have spotted that things are not as they should be relatively quickly. One of mine went off the rails because of the online content he was engaging with but it was some years ago and we just weren't as switched on as we should have been. I don't have practical advice but you do have my sympathy. If I could, I would uninvent the internet. It's done so much more harm than good, and is irreversibly embedded in all of our lives now, especially young people.

Given the state of mental health services in the UK, and for young people in general, how do you think a referral to an inpatient mental health facility would come about ? The plain fact is that in the majority of cases, unless and until you are at crisis point help is very thin on the ground because mental health services are stretched way beyond their resources. OP is worried that whatever her DD wrote about the teacher is straying into illegal territory. And she’s right to be worried, given how many people with severe mental health problems end up in the criminal justice system because there are simply no other alternatives.

what caused the spiralling of her behaviour ? @pinkpeta

I don’t think ‘the door thing’ is OK and there’s nothing in any of my posts to say I do. You’ve just made that up. And I didn’t call anyone’s views inane. I said that OP will end up with a string of inane comments regarding taking off the bedroom door because people are not reading the relevant updates and seeing that she’s intending to put it back on. Totally different thing. And as I said before, I wasn’t the only one to point this out.

And given the serious, multi faceted problems that her DD is experiencing, exactly what benefit do you think OP is going to get from posters going on and on about the bedroom door ? Threads are limited to forty pages. The first few posts pointed out that it was a bad idea and OP said she was going to put it back on - literally a few posts in on page one. How exactly do you think it’s going to help by filling up the thread with the same advice to put back the bedroom door, over and over again, when she got it on page one and said she agrees it wasn’t a good idea ?

thank you for your comment. I stopped working at the end of Jan and decided not to job hunt for now as I see she needs me

*15 but yes I agree

I agree

Abuse is quite a reach.