I removed her bedroom door

[pinkpeta]

Background: My eldest is 15. We’ve always had quite a close relationship. She has always been able to confide in me about almost anything to the point where her friends always seem shocked because some of the things she tells me, they wouldn’t tell their mums. We spend a lot of time together and she’s generally been a good kid. Never really given me any trouble.
I have also worked from home most of her life until mid 2025 as she’s more independent now I felt like I could work outside of the home. I ended up having to work 7 days on, 2 days off (but worked locally so I could come home on my break)

When I started working outside of the home, she was fine initially but started spending more time with friends and a cousin that’s the same age as her. She went to her cousins one day and secretly created a TikTok account. Around that time she had also complained of not being allowed to manage her devices herself. So I allowed her to take control of them in the hope that she would learn to manage her own screen time effectively. That was all in Aug. By end of September she had started SH. When I asked her why she just kept saying she felt sad and didn’t know why. She told me in December. Her attendance and punctuality dropped to 83% as she wasn’t waking up on time and was constantly late to lessons. I left work in Jan and around that time she told me she had tried a vape. I didn’t tell her off. I asked her a few questions times which she answered. She assured me it was a handful of times and that she didn’t like it so didn’t see herself doing it again.
Then I saw a message to one of her friends where she had told them she tried Mary Jane. We have had many many conversations about this in the past and she’s well aware of the dangers. She was always very anti smoking and always told her friends who vaped to quit.
When I questioned her about this she began to say she has been having thoughts of unaliving herself.
I contacted the GP and a private counsellor.
At the end of the week a teacher called to tell me she spotted her vaping after school. Again when I asked about this she started to say she didn’t care about herself anymore and wanted to unalive.
2 weeks ago I had a look on her TikTok at the content she was liking and looking at. It was very dark content featuring pretty girls around the same age as her, with sad music and writing centred around SH and Suic… There were so many posts like that. And we know what the algorithm is like, when you like something it’s only going to keep showing up. She had liked hundreds of those sorts of posts. she also made a very concerning post about the teacher who had called me about the vaping.
I took her off all socials, changed passwords and usernames. I also confiscated the iPad and restricted the phone. When I told her that she wasn’t allowed on socials anymore due to the nature of her post, she cried, went to school and on her way, messaged her cousin to say she was going to end it. I had to contact the school and they took her out of class. When asked she described what she had planned to do. I had to go and get her and take her to a&e. CAMHS spoke to us both and discharged her.
Since being off socials she has generally been much better but yesterday we spoke to the CAMHS lady and she did an initial assessment and it seemed to make her slip back into the sad state. Her friend was here doing her hair and I was in the kitchen. I had a sudden feeling that I should check what they were up to.
I walked into the room and I felt like she was hiding something, I found a vape tucked under her shirt. I also cleaned her room 3 days ago as found 2 others hidden in socks.
When I was on the phone to the lady from CAMHS, I had asked her to watch her younger siblings and I believe she was vaping in front of them. I didn’t speak when I found the vape. I just went and got the drill and removed her bedroom door. Again she began to tell me she wanted to unalive. I’ve noticed she tends to express this when caught doing something she shouldn’t be. She cried a lot for the remainder of the evening and barely spoke to me today. For the first time, she didn’t hug me or talk to me before she left for school, even though we spent an hour with me helping her do her hair.
Not sure what to do about it all. Exhausted.
Hands down worst Mother’s Day 🥲

if you’ve made it to the end of this post, I greatly appreciate you.

@pinkpeta vaping is absolutely the least of your concerns.

These are stand outs
*she didn’t care about herself anymore and wanted to unalive.

It was very dark content featuring pretty girls around the same age as her, with sad music and writing centred around SH and Suic

messaged her cousin to say she was going to end it

Again she began to tell me she wanted to unalive*

How many ways does she need to tell you she's struggling, your response was to remove the privacy from, probably, the only safe space she has.

Sod mother's day, you do really need to stop, think and help your daughter

eta; in a more constructive way.

Improvements started to show after about 2-3 months, I'd say. She was willing to engage in the help offered and wanted to regain her previous freedoms. I think she expected I would waiver, as it was all rather bloody annoying for the whole house - having to get the stepladder out, get the locked toolbox, unlock it...just to slice a tomato, for instance. You have to hold firm.

Within 8 months she was taken off 'code-red' with the school.

Off the back of all this, she was assessed for autism and diagnosed. I don't actually think that the two are related but it did help the professionals understand her communication style better. She has a very 'black and white' attitude to all things, that can be incredibly difficult to navigate. The professionals understanding that this is her perception of things rather than reality was reassuring for me, as she really did paint us out to be horrible people, which was hard to listen to.

We are about 18 months on and she has - mostly - come out the other side of things now. She still has low days and gets stressed more easily than I think would be considered 'normal', but I have hope that she'll gain some resilience.

'Mary Jane'?! I didn't think it had been called that (if at all) since the 1950s?!

I think that's way OTT. People need privacy and dignity. She's vaping not committing axe murder.

I'd be trying to find out why her behaviour has changed, rather than punishing her. My daughter went off the rails following a serious sexual assault, which she did not tell anyone about. It took months for her to finally open up.

Put her door back on. How on earth is she going to trust you if you do some like that?And stop worrying about the vaping. Concentrate on her MH.

I can't believe you got access to CAHMS so quickly.

YABU for removing the door. Disgusting.

Door back on, tell her you panicked and you wish you hadn't done it, if that's they way you feel. Be honest with her.

Tell her that if you spent time looking at content giving you an unaliving message, then you'd also start to feel like unaliving yourself. ANYONE WOULD.

That's the message here, that there is nothing wrong with her, that TikTok etc is a heinous machine that is causing mayhem among the mental health of young people and she's done nothing wrong. It's working exactly as it's designed to, it's a multi billion industry based on hijacking peoples attention and thoughts.

Given that's the situation, Social Media is off the table again, for now, can be reviewed in future if managed properly. Try and get her busy and engaged in some things she used to enjoy, don't give up on this, it's the way forward. She needs to get back into a feeling of connection and belonging in the real world, rather than the grim virtual one she's been inhabiting.

Does she actually want to do these activities? I ask because I have been a volunteer leader with Guiding untol I got ill. and frankly the last thing they need are kids with mental health issues who are sent to activities against their wishes. All too often the kids just disrupt it for other people. If you are willing to give up time to volunteer with one of the groups then fair enough but whrn you dont even know the names of older Girlguiding groups then its a bit sad

Social media can be extremely damaging for many people even adults.

Definitely think put the door back on, taking away her right to privacy may have her become extremely private and secretive, but I understand the end of the tether reaction to remove it. Could you seek out some podcasts / audio books ? Empowering types ? So she can feel she belongs to a positive group mindset.

I don’t often comment these days but your post chimed. My adult daughter - who seemed to have everything going for her at 15 and was never any trouble either - inexplicably fell into darkness. She kept it secret for a good while before the S thoughts became too much. In her case she was experiencing Pure O, otherwise known as Harm OCD. Not wishing to presume, but an internet history of watching specific, harmful posts sounds possibly compulsive. I would go back to working from home if at all possible, I’d take her out of school and stop the bad influences coming to your house. Give her something grounding and real to do, something she used to like doing before the Internet and toxic friends ruined everything. Basically let her be a safe child again. It sounds like she needs a big holiday from her recent life. It was a long and rocky ride but it worked. The very best of luck.

Oh God, this sounds so hard. Aside from what you've already been told, I had a couple of thoughts.

Do you know anything about restorative approaches? It might help to give you some framework for conversations and where you take it from here? I know about it from my childrens' schools, and training I've had. This site isn't one I've used before but might help to get you started: Behaviour Matters | A Restorative Approach to Parenting

I know plenty of people have said the door thing shouldn't have happened and I think you know that. I get the sense that you reached the end of your tether and snapped and wanted to do something big. It's easy to make judgement on a keyboard from a distance.

I'm glad to hear that you're talking with school and CAHMS and engaging with them. Especially with SH and the more extreme threats. That's what escalates this beyond just a concern about the vapes. And that's why I think you need to look at having that restorative approach because it's about relationships, respect, and being open.

Obviously she's also at an age where she's testing boundaries, where she's feeling this confusing thing being torn between being a child and an adult. And that is hard as the parent.

I have a slightly different view from others about an outright social media ban. I will caveat this by saying my teens (one 18 and one 14) have not had issues with self-harm or suicide ideation, however, my eldest does have some history of mental health distress, and likely has undiagnosed autism coupled with OCD and my youngest is going through an ADHD assessment.

Firstly - forget the vaping. Tell her you don't like it, you think it's bad for her and you wish she would quit, but as long as she doesn't do it in front of you, in the house, in front of her siblings or get into trouble at school, its her health and money she is throwing down the drain!

I smoked when I was her age (eventually quit in my early 20's). My parents didn't and hated it. They would occasionally have a bit of a dig about it - but as long as they didn't catch me 'in the act', it just became something we didn't talk about. Even as an adult living in my own house, I never smoked in front of them or my little brother!

Re: the social media. My eldest wasn't bothered by it until she was about 16 when she got an instagram and snapchat account. Youngest had her instagram account last year. Neither use TikTok but do get exposed to it via cross platform shares and eldest DDs boyfriend watches it a lot.

I don't 'police' what they are watching directly - but do keep an eye on it indirectly (obviously not so much with the eldest now of course).

The way I do this is by showing an interest in what they are watching - we sometimes sit and watch reels together - when eldest was 15 / 16 and before she got her own account, one of her favourite things to do in the evening was to sit with me for 30 minutes before bed watching reels - usually about cats, funny situations or things related to theatre shows and TV shows we liked.

If something a bit off came up it meant we had opportunity to talk about it. It also gave me an opportunity to explain algorithms and how damaging some things could be and encourage her to let me know if something came up that wasn't right.

I also try to gently nudge their algorythms by sharing things I have found funny or interesting and getting them to share stuff back with me - it helps to move it away from some of the more damaging stuff.

Obviously if you feel more comfortable with an outright ban or it is recommended by her therapist then that is completely your call - however, I would be worried she would just watch in secret anyway. She will be 16 soon, so beyond completely removing her phone / stringent parental controls, you will start to lose that control anyway.

Personally I find it better to open up the relationship with social media so it becomes something you share because I don't think it is something that can be avoided for teens in this day and age.

In this situation I would put the vapes to bottom of pile of issues. Id focus on her other behaviours that are wrong.

I would show her the dangers but that if she wants to still vape then agree vape rules that she does it outside the back door, she gets one refill a week ( or something similar). If she is seen at school vaping the agreement is gone. At least you will know what's in the vape and its not spice or somehting.

I say this as a person who's parents tried to stop them smoking and it didn't work.

Regarding the vapes, it is the spiked vapes the OP may be worried about? You know the kids can get hold off some really awful stuff in vapes now.
Standard regulated vapes less of an issue, but if the child is struggling how will the OP know.

There seem to be two separate things going on here, the self harming and the vaping. It’s really important you are able to keep communication open with her in terms of her mental health and the self harm. ‘Choose your battles’ is one of the best pieces of advice I received as a mum. I don’t think a teenage girl trying vapes is a major concern, more of a rite of passage and I would step back in terms of hassle and punishment around this. I think that would make it easier to keep your relationship positive in terms of support with her mental health. And put the door back on her bedroom!

Firstly, in response to a previous poster - it is really dangerous to refer to a suicide attempt as a cry for help a research shows that the majority of completed suicides started with ‘cries for help’ . ( this comes from working in the field but also as a teenager with significant MH issues ) .

Please refit her door - she is entitled to privacy. My advice would be to stop worrying about the vaping, it’s not the worst coping strategy atm. Can you take some time from work? Hang out with her, open questions without pressure - movies, walks, good food. Can you afford private therapy for her, or something like candlelight yoga ( with you)? It’s the time with you that’s most important. Keep her off SM.

Try to remove things she can SH with - albeit this is not easy to do because if she is determined , she will find a way. If she is continuing to SH, talk to her about reducing risks - this can be a hard balance because you do not want to sound like you are condoning it. It is a bit like contraception without condoning underage sex. But stuff like not using something dirty to SH with, risks of infections, avoiding arteries, cleaning and dressing. Hopefully it is not at that stage, but it can be v addictive.

Remove all medications etc and just closely monitor. Do you think she is depressed - would she consider anti ds?

For lots of teenagers, this can be a stage they grow out of, but for some , like me, it can spiral and become very dangerous. I would suggest that you are very aware and watchful but try not to panic too.

Try too look after yourself too.

As an aside ,I was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD recently - something that was never considered in the 80s and 90s.

Best of luck to you and your DD.

A different take. My grades started to drop when I was 15 (2005) and my mom took off my door. I have been thankful for that because I could have gone down a dark road. I changed in the bathroom, no biggie, but I was safe

Wasn’t there a thread recently where it was deemed by a professional that removal of a door (regardless of the age of person) was considered emotional & controlling abuse?

@pinkpeta do all possible to rebuild that relationship , can you let her sleep with you for next few weeks to start reconnecting ? Is it possible you put your happy, positive face on?

she needs you, something might have happened to her

we have similar in family (not direct ) 15yo SH due to sexual assault

so sorry for what you’re going through, I’ve seen it first hand

I think also whilst TikTok/social media is awful here and certainly is a catalyst it is rarely the actual cause

the door removal was clearly an angry instinct but it was massively wrong and massively overstepping and has stripped her of her privacy and self worth - and if there is (as is possible) a cause of all of this you have massively fed into this.

You need to hear her - and properly hear her not just assume it is TikTok

Is she on the pill? Or any hormonal contraceptive?

I don't think vaping is something to die on a hill for, I think you could ignore that. There are more serious issues to focus on. She probably feels lonely since you started working outside the home, particularly as she doesn't seem to have siblings. I agree with a pp that she may have been assaulted, I went through a similar behaviour spike when I was around 13 after being assaulted. I was wandering around a lot because my parents were never home. That made me vulnerable. Please put the bedroom door back on and maybe go back to working from home to give her more security.

I really feel for you op. I have a 15 year old daughter too who I am also very close to. I think (from reading your recent posts) that you know the door idea wasn’t good…. My dd has never had any social media and she still doesn’t. It doesn’t bother her so I’m very pleased as this paves the way for the my other two dcs. My dd also struggles with mh but we think due to masking neurodivergence, so we are getting this assessed asap. I think the vaping should probably be the least of your worries. So many kids do it that you’re just fighting a losing battle I think. Focus on the mh stuff. Is she still seeing a private counsellor? I think if you can afford it that that is your best way forward for now. Maybe a psychologist too who could prescribe her something to help with her low moods? Sending hugs of support.

OP - I am glad you watched Molly vs the Machines. I was going to mention it. Obviously it takes you to worst case scenario, but the content you describe does very much match the content Molly was watching.

One thing I noted in the Molly doc was that many of her good friends were not aware of how deeply Molly was down the self-harm/suicide content rabbit hole. Does she have a 'best friend' that you have a relationship with that you can engage to do activities with her beside doom-scrolling? You don't have to be completely transparent, but you can say that you think it would be better for DD to be off socials for a while as she is so low, and that you are thinking of organising x/y/z. If she has a friend with her, she might feel more enthusiastic.

The other thing I would flag is that if she has come of socials quite 'meekly' - please check she doesn't have a second phone? Does she have a brick so she can message friends and not feel completely excluded? Phones are so fucking addictive I am always wary when a teen has everything removed without too much fuss!

You are right to put the door back
You are right to keep her off socials

Keep talking - it's good that you have a close relationship in your favour.

And lastly - did DD watch the Molly doc? Do you think that might be a good idea?

I wish you luck. It's so so hard.

You don't not take away someone's right to privacy as punishment

Cannabis use also affects teens this way too. They become very self absorbed and erratic. Not all, but some.