I removed her bedroom door

[pinkpeta]

Background: My eldest is 15. We’ve always had quite a close relationship. She has always been able to confide in me about almost anything to the point where her friends always seem shocked because some of the things she tells me, they wouldn’t tell their mums. We spend a lot of time together and she’s generally been a good kid. Never really given me any trouble.
I have also worked from home most of her life until mid 2025 as she’s more independent now I felt like I could work outside of the home. I ended up having to work 7 days on, 2 days off (but worked locally so I could come home on my break)

When I started working outside of the home, she was fine initially but started spending more time with friends and a cousin that’s the same age as her. She went to her cousins one day and secretly created a TikTok account. Around that time she had also complained of not being allowed to manage her devices herself. So I allowed her to take control of them in the hope that she would learn to manage her own screen time effectively. That was all in Aug. By end of September she had started SH. When I asked her why she just kept saying she felt sad and didn’t know why. She told me in December. Her attendance and punctuality dropped to 83% as she wasn’t waking up on time and was constantly late to lessons. I left work in Jan and around that time she told me she had tried a vape. I didn’t tell her off. I asked her a few questions times which she answered. She assured me it was a handful of times and that she didn’t like it so didn’t see herself doing it again.
Then I saw a message to one of her friends where she had told them she tried Mary Jane. We have had many many conversations about this in the past and she’s well aware of the dangers. She was always very anti smoking and always told her friends who vaped to quit.
When I questioned her about this she began to say she has been having thoughts of unaliving herself.
I contacted the GP and a private counsellor.
At the end of the week a teacher called to tell me she spotted her vaping after school. Again when I asked about this she started to say she didn’t care about herself anymore and wanted to unalive.
2 weeks ago I had a look on her TikTok at the content she was liking and looking at. It was very dark content featuring pretty girls around the same age as her, with sad music and writing centred around SH and Suic… There were so many posts like that. And we know what the algorithm is like, when you like something it’s only going to keep showing up. She had liked hundreds of those sorts of posts. she also made a very concerning post about the teacher who had called me about the vaping.
I took her off all socials, changed passwords and usernames. I also confiscated the iPad and restricted the phone. When I told her that she wasn’t allowed on socials anymore due to the nature of her post, she cried, went to school and on her way, messaged her cousin to say she was going to end it. I had to contact the school and they took her out of class. When asked she described what she had planned to do. I had to go and get her and take her to a&e. CAMHS spoke to us both and discharged her.
Since being off socials she has generally been much better but yesterday we spoke to the CAMHS lady and she did an initial assessment and it seemed to make her slip back into the sad state. Her friend was here doing her hair and I was in the kitchen. I had a sudden feeling that I should check what they were up to.
I walked into the room and I felt like she was hiding something, I found a vape tucked under her shirt. I also cleaned her room 3 days ago as found 2 others hidden in socks.
When I was on the phone to the lady from CAMHS, I had asked her to watch her younger siblings and I believe she was vaping in front of them. I didn’t speak when I found the vape. I just went and got the drill and removed her bedroom door. Again she began to tell me she wanted to unalive. I’ve noticed she tends to express this when caught doing something she shouldn’t be. She cried a lot for the remainder of the evening and barely spoke to me today. For the first time, she didn’t hug me or talk to me before she left for school, even though we spent an hour with me helping her do her hair.
Not sure what to do about it all. Exhausted.
Hands down worst Mother’s Day 🥲

if you’ve made it to the end of this post, I greatly appreciate you.

I also never pressure her to tell me things. She is just a very chatty teen and I guess because I’m considered “young” compared to a lot of her friends mums, I think there may be a difference in how a more old school parent may do things. I was never able to and still can’t be open with my mum about things and I’m in my 30’s. So I always tried to make sure she feels like she can. Although it seems to not be doing much good now

I am definitely more worried about those things but the vaping in the house was just another indication to me of how much she’s changed.

It sounds like a nightmare but removing her door is not going to help anything. Removing her privacy and that boundary is intrusive and damaging. Apologise and put it back. Then carry on doing everything you can to love and support her.

Thank you for this.
so far I have also put away all sharp objects, locked away all medication. Will try and implement the rest and glad to hear your daughter is doing well now. How long did it take to see an improvement?

Thank you x

OP, what a sad story, am so so sorry. Can't help but think a social media ban is a good thing for youngsters. Am glad taken her off the socials. You know what? The vaping is really bad but right now I'd chose my battles with her. Her mental health is more important.

Also, once you guys get your breath back, I don't know if a club would help? For example, my brother was off the rails bad, nothing worked, not calling police for help or anything but my parents signed him up to go to ATC (air training corpse). It worked. It was a, good fun, physical, interesting (rock climbing, flying, holidays, Duke of Edinburgh awards etc), it was strict, but mostly it was the peer pressure. The other kids didn't want their time there disturbed by a bad kid and very quickly my brother was more interested in being part of the team and he thrived there.

Haven’t even read your post but do not remove the door. VERY BAD IDEA

Thank you. Your words are much appreciated

Yes the change came within a few weeks of her engaging with #sadtok content.

I think you should read it and then let me know

Can you get a job where you can work from home again? It sounds like she might be struggling with the change of routine. Also is her Dad around to help keep an eye on her? I don’t think removing her bedroom door is going to resolve the issues. A lot of teens do vape but following self harm influencers isn’t as common and is of concern. I don’t think it’s easy to ban them off social media - a lot of them just set an account up on a mates phone or something like that.

I found being 13 to about 16 terrifying and lonely. I didn't SH or anything but looking back I was depressed and anxious for 2 or 3 years then it just went (when I started the pill to treat heavy periods / PMT).

I never felt like that again until after having my first child and again a year ago. This time it is perimenapause.

So the three times in my life where my hormone levels were drastically changing. I know we tend to blame everything on hormones as women but it is worth considering this could be hormonal?

I have since learned that anything containing progesterone only is not compatible with me at all, even natrual progesterone causes PMDD. Some women can be extremely sensitive to hormone changes.

This is just another angle to consider, I am not trying to diagnose your daughter with anything but it's something I will be keeping an eye out for with my, slightly younger, daughter given my own experiences.

All the best to you as it sounds like a very hard situation. I would lay of the vaping / door removal for now though as that will make you the enemy and what you need right now it to be on her side while you get to the bottom of the emotions.

Why did she seek out that content in the first place? I would want to be very sure I was tackling the right problem here.

Thank you. This is really good advice which we have already begun to implement. She tried DofE last year and didn’t like it. But I’ve put her back in running club, her aunt on her dad’s side is a manager at a big store and lets her go over there to work once a week which she strangely really enjoyed. I’ve signed her up for cadets and the older version of brownies. All should have started last week but I was fluey so will be starting this week. So good to know your brother is doing better. X

Door needs to go back on asap.

I also think you need to discriminate between vaping/smoking and light alcohol on the one hand which are not abnormal for teens - and self harm, hard drugs, suicidal ideation on the other.

Your focus should be on things she could kill herself with rather than picking fights over vapes which aren’t good for her but neither are they the end of the world.

AmandaBrotzman
Put her fucking door back immediately. This is appalling.

How about you sit down and post a longer version of this where you don’t attack someone who’s going through hell at the moment.

Op no help but think you need to not focus on the vaping at the moment, it’s everything else that is the more immediate concern. Hugs to both of you

Put the door back today.

You are both having a horrible time but removing her door will achieve nothing and she needs to have some privacy.

You are right to cut her access to the Internet.

She needs to be able to speak to a counsellor. Someone independent from her family who will not immediately judge her or overreact because that just makes things worse. You will also benefit from help from professionals.

I think you also need to accept that at 13 she is a teenager and that comes with a lot of angst and you can't just keep expecting her to act like a child and tell you everything.

I get this is worrying but honestly, it’s dreadful of you to remove her bedroom door. This is going to make her feel humiliated and controlled. Teens need privacy and all you’ve done is damaged her trust in you and shamed her.

I think vaping is the least of your worries here. She needs lots of support at the moment to navigate a tricky time. She also needs respect as she matures. Removing her bedroom door is doing the opposite.

What kind of conversations did you have with her before allowing her unrestricted access to the internet/social media? This is not something that most teenagers can handle without guidance and some level of restriction, unfortunately.

It might help to take it right back to basics. Lots of family time. Doing fun things together. See if she'll get involved in enriching activities outside of school that build relationships and confidence e.g. sports, Guides (or whatever the equivalent might be for older girls), volunteering in the community.

Essentially, get her back to doing nourishing things.

I think your aim here is to support your DD through the MH crisis that is leading her to SH and consider suicide. Vaping and day to day domestics are of no importance by comparison, so I'd be ignoring these things for now.
I think the actions you have taken for her safety (removal of the door and her devices) have read as punishments, and been further triggers for her feelings of despair, so if I were you, I'd get some advice on how you can reduce risk without it feeling like her life has been made worse.
Try calling YoungMinds or Papyrus suicide prevention trust who give advice and support to parents in your situation.

It's a horrible situation for both of you, OP, but you know that taking the door off won't help her, even if it felt like you were able to exert just that slight edge over whatever was going on in her room. If you deny her basic privacy and modesty in her bedroom, which is meant to be her refuge, she'll just find it elsewhere. She'll find ways to slip out and do whatever she wants to at a friend's, or in a school toilet, or somewhere in the community.

You need to look at ways to reestablish trust in your relationship, and that goes both ways. Now she doesn't trust you because you've taken her door off. It needs to go back on but you also should sit her down and have an adult chat about ground rules. Keep taking her to the counselling, but find some other things to go out and do together. Fun outings, talking about neutral things. Find some things on tv that you both like and use them as a talking point. It sounds like she always had a good and open relationship with you and I'm sure you can get that back, but making her distrust you isn't the way.

Remember that whatever she's into at the moment is scaring her. The horrible suicide/SH stuff on TikTok (don't use the infantile phrase 'unalive' BTW, this is an adult forum and the 'algorithm' isn't going to ban you for using it!) must be terrifying. From what you've said, she's not fighting that hard to keep that, and the vapes, from you, so I think she must really want you to intervene and lay down some hard boundaries.

She can sometimes be insecure about her weight. She’s slightly overweight and had mentioned to me that she felt like none of the boys liked her at school. The boy she likes is very hot and cold with her and from the order of the posts she’s watched it looks as if it started with the sort of “I wish you loved me back” type content and then that sort of got sadder and sadder

sounds like you have a great relationship which is the most important protection here but the connection suffered a bit with your job and to an extent she may have been emotionally neglected.
the SM billionaires & their algorithms aren’t protecting children enough so it is up to you.
You can really help her by reminding her over and over that you’re totally 100% behind her ( a hand on her shoulder helps if she doesn’t want hugs) and how much you love and support her & want the best for her in her mental and physical health and that your sorry for any mistakes you’ve made and that you want to get to work on enriching your time together - she actually has an intense need for you at the moment despite also being a teen pulling away. Communication conversations and connection is what you need here.

Having been that kid, I think I should say… It might be hard to hear, but I think she’s been pretending to be a happy go lucky kid for your benefit. She never really felt like that and now she’s found people online that validate her true feelings.

What she’s doing now is the worst stuff she can think of. She needs to know you love and accept her as she really is. Not that you only love your perfect daughter you always wanted. The real imperfect one. Let her know you will always be there for her no matter what - and mean it. She will likely still keep testing you (not that it’s deliberate, it’s intuitive and she probably doesn’t really understand it herself) but once she’s sure you really mean it she will calm down and stop wanting to hurt herself.

None of this is easy and I wish you all the best.

Vaping does not warrant a door removal! Nothing does, what do u think it will achieve except to make you feel better.