I removed her bedroom door

[pinkpeta]

Background: My eldest is 15. We’ve always had quite a close relationship. She has always been able to confide in me about almost anything to the point where her friends always seem shocked because some of the things she tells me, they wouldn’t tell their mums. We spend a lot of time together and she’s generally been a good kid. Never really given me any trouble.
I have also worked from home most of her life until mid 2025 as she’s more independent now I felt like I could work outside of the home. I ended up having to work 7 days on, 2 days off (but worked locally so I could come home on my break)

When I started working outside of the home, she was fine initially but started spending more time with friends and a cousin that’s the same age as her. She went to her cousins one day and secretly created a TikTok account. Around that time she had also complained of not being allowed to manage her devices herself. So I allowed her to take control of them in the hope that she would learn to manage her own screen time effectively. That was all in Aug. By end of September she had started SH. When I asked her why she just kept saying she felt sad and didn’t know why. She told me in December. Her attendance and punctuality dropped to 83% as she wasn’t waking up on time and was constantly late to lessons. I left work in Jan and around that time she told me she had tried a vape. I didn’t tell her off. I asked her a few questions times which she answered. She assured me it was a handful of times and that she didn’t like it so didn’t see herself doing it again.
Then I saw a message to one of her friends where she had told them she tried Mary Jane. We have had many many conversations about this in the past and she’s well aware of the dangers. She was always very anti smoking and always told her friends who vaped to quit.
When I questioned her about this she began to say she has been having thoughts of unaliving herself.
I contacted the GP and a private counsellor.
At the end of the week a teacher called to tell me she spotted her vaping after school. Again when I asked about this she started to say she didn’t care about herself anymore and wanted to unalive.
2 weeks ago I had a look on her TikTok at the content she was liking and looking at. It was very dark content featuring pretty girls around the same age as her, with sad music and writing centred around SH and Suic… There were so many posts like that. And we know what the algorithm is like, when you like something it’s only going to keep showing up. She had liked hundreds of those sorts of posts. she also made a very concerning post about the teacher who had called me about the vaping.
I took her off all socials, changed passwords and usernames. I also confiscated the iPad and restricted the phone. When I told her that she wasn’t allowed on socials anymore due to the nature of her post, she cried, went to school and on her way, messaged her cousin to say she was going to end it. I had to contact the school and they took her out of class. When asked she described what she had planned to do. I had to go and get her and take her to a&e. CAMHS spoke to us both and discharged her.
Since being off socials she has generally been much better but yesterday we spoke to the CAMHS lady and she did an initial assessment and it seemed to make her slip back into the sad state. Her friend was here doing her hair and I was in the kitchen. I had a sudden feeling that I should check what they were up to.
I walked into the room and I felt like she was hiding something, I found a vape tucked under her shirt. I also cleaned her room 3 days ago as found 2 others hidden in socks.
When I was on the phone to the lady from CAMHS, I had asked her to watch her younger siblings and I believe she was vaping in front of them. I didn’t speak when I found the vape. I just went and got the drill and removed her bedroom door. Again she began to tell me she wanted to unalive. I’ve noticed she tends to express this when caught doing something she shouldn’t be. She cried a lot for the remainder of the evening and barely spoke to me today. For the first time, she didn’t hug me or talk to me before she left for school, even though we spent an hour with me helping her do her hair.
Not sure what to do about it all. Exhausted.
Hands down worst Mother’s Day 🥲

if you’ve made it to the end of this post, I greatly appreciate you.

Put the door back (I know you said you will) and apologise to her for removing it. Tell her vaping is unhealthy but if she must do it, she can go out into the garden to do so. I know it's not ideal but pick your battles.

OP, you are doing a good job.

But yes, put the door back - and that's okay, you reacted in the heat of the moment and she will see you mean business.

Keep the conversation going - I think that's the most important thing. My teens really benefited from therapy. Also a job was hugely helpful for them. So you are doing the right things.

Is there any way you can reduce your hours at work, so that you can be around more, or WFH more? This was the age that ironically my teen girls needed me around the most. It might be better doing it now rather than if things get harder.

Mine is nearly 16 and we are letting the vaping go and concentrating on studying vs screen time right balance and not getting blacked out drunk. The vaping is endemic (and to be fair when you look at the displays it all looks pretty/cute/collectable. These shops are an abomination and society is failing these kids). Mine has also used suicidal talk as attempted blackmail rather than actual threat. She has counselling at school now, NHS impossible, looking into private now.

Also this!

Good point.

Taking off the door, I’ve not heard that in while. My dad did that to my brother in 2005, a real vintage punishment op.

Give her the door back, keep restricting the social media and talk to her about the vape and the weed. I know no one on mumsnet has ever tried drugs and they would all call the police on their child if they so much as looked at a splif, but the truth is a lot of 15 year old start experimenting with drugs at that age. Obviously it’s not ideal, but at her age I was doing similar as were my siblings and we all turned out fine. Focus on her mental health and keeping open lines of communication. Apologies for the door, it was an over reaction but trust me you’ll probably look back at the door and laugh about it one day.

I am so sorry for what you are both going through OP. The self harm is so distressing and social media is terrifying, especially for very young people who, have others have said, are trying to find their tribe.
Teenagers are designed to break away from their parents and develop independence, which is always going to be tricky.
Try to communicate as much as you can, encourage her to get outside, exercise and develop any interests/hobbies and get any support you can. It’s so hard as when people feel low, they tend to internalise and communicate less when they really need to do the opposite.
If I were you, I would apologise about the door, which I know you said you will put back. I would explain how you want to help and just try to be there for her, as difficult and frustrating as that is.
Wishing you both the very best. 💐

I am so sorry about the struggles you’re having with your previously happy, healthy daughter. There is lots and lots of research (and parental and carers’ experience!) to show that social media and anything which uses algorithms has had a negative effect on particularly girls’ mental health, most evidently since 2014, when smartphones became so endemic. According to the research it’s because girls spend more time alone with their devices, pondering their appearance etc rather than playing games socially like boys tend to do.

She can go back to her lovely self, but there needs to be a lot more awareness, learning and control around the algorithms. Can you do some reading about it and talk with her about it? It sounds like you’re close. I wouldn’t worry about the smoking nearly as much as the mental health. It’s something she can at least do socially with real friends. Of course hopefully along with other healthier activities. Rather socialising with real people than peering into the abyss and giving her data to TikTok for more abuse.

Put her door back on, give her a hug and tell her you are worried about her because you love her. You can do this.

I can see why you removed her door.....

Theres a lot of people replying not to worry about the vaping but the nicotine in vapes is known to damage long term mental health as whilst it might seem to "relax", its just temporary and creates a longer term cycle of nicotine addiction, depression and anxiety.

https://www.ncsct.co.uk/publications/young-people-resources-vaping

If those vapes hidden in the socks arent hers, then whose are they. Really, she may be very unwell but she has broken your trust (vaping in front of siblings, hiding vapes etc, going over her SM time) and if her friends are buying her vapes, (its against the law to sell to under 18s), then do they not understand they are actively choosing to worsen her mental health? , and doing the equivalent of giving sweets to a diabetic! . I think the advice from the pp with child under camhs is very helpful, including around simply telling her to leave the door open when she is in her room. This is part of safeguarding within the home, when she is more in control of her actions, the rules can be relaxed.

It sounds like her cousin is sensible and did the right thing in telling you about your dd's plan to unalive. Could you have a chat with cousin about her and explain you need the help of her and her friends to keep your daughter safe. Keeping her off SM and away from vapes etc.... The cousin could then explain to friends....?

I wondered if there was any activity or sport that you and your daughter could do together, maybe exercise based, even just walking outside, , that might help teach her how to lift her mood /relax her in other ways? Or even her doing something new like a painting class might help how she is feeling. Mind website has lots of info on self harm in teens and social media.

I also agree that you could not ignore her post about the teacher. She does need to learn this was a crime that could have affected her life forever, showing up on a dbs check every time she tried to get a job. Although you might not be able to get her to understand this right now...

These remarks about unaliving when shes caught doing something wrong. I think its good you are aware of these and when they occur so they dont become a manipulation. You cant argue with her to feed the drama or react, best to just keep calm, gray rock and carry on with whatever youre doing, holding your boundary. I think this is an incredibly difficult time for you and all your family, her siblings must be scared too, and you sound like a great, very thoughtful, mum.

why on earth would you let your child on tik Tok?

Get her off all of that awful stuff right now.

Why did you let her keep it?

I think I didn't make myself clear.

I'm not saying you consciously pressured her.

I mean, the fact her friends were shocked might be a warning sign that you and she were still in 'young child tells mummy everything' mode when she needed to be moving away from that.

You are obviously very old-school in your actual parenting methods, and I suspect that is more the issue than you seeming 'young' compared to other friends' mums - IME children/teens think we are all old, no matter what our actual age is! And that is sort of how it should be.

It might be she was a little bit searching around for a way to transition out of this rather younger-child kind of interaction. It's heartbreaking to see her get it wrong, but I think because it seems to have started in her not getting much/any privacy (or not seeking much privacy), you responding by taking her door off is liable to make things worse, not better.

I get why you were frightened by her leaving a comment about her teacher that struck you as so worrying. But, again, I do think at that age she probably does not have the maturity to fully understand how bad a publicly-posted comment can be. She may well imagine she was 'just' saying it to her friends and therefore it's somehow ok. Do you get the sense she understands that better now?

Really, really feel for you both, these years are so tough.

Please put the door back if for no other reason than bedroom doors save lives in fires

Can everyone pipe down about the door. The OP got the message.

SM at this age is so dangerous, they are so porous and prone to such distressing levels of angst. It is never joyful stuff when these fucking algorithms take their grip.

I made a TT account as an experiment, to see what it was about this app that is getting its teeth into our kids. Within days I saw my home as not enough, and set about deep cleaning everything, establishing systems, changing furniture etc. My initial interest in a few influencers 'doing a Sunday reset' quite literally, turned me loopy for a week or so..

I am not making light of anything, just highlighting how this app works and the effects it has. I am old enough to know better and have since deleted the app, but it is so important we fully acknowledge the harm SM is doing to young and developing minds. It is an uphill battle with the tech anyway, but I fully support a SM ban for under 16s.

OP, I am merely posting in support and solidarity. It is so hard parenting teenage girls these days. I hope your dd opens up and you get to turn a corner together.

15 year olds need privacy, put her door back on and talk to her. Support her, she’s struggling with something, be gentle, be kind and nurturing and she will respond. Punishment is not the answer to this.

Because she isn't quite a child and is heading towards being an adult at speed.

I think your comment is more yr6/7 aimed.

Put her door back. My dad removed mine for about an hour when I was a preteen because I kept angrily slamming it. Of course I was furious at the time, but it turned into an amusing anecdote.

If he'd taken away my privacy when I was a self-harming and suicidal teenager I never would have forgiven him.

The vaping isn't important right now. The social media sounds like an issue, but it's a symptom, not the cause - restricting it is reasonable, but it won't solve the underlying mental health or self esteem issues that led your DD to feel this way in the first place.

I'd also try to mentally reframe what's happening when her depressive behaviours escalate after she's caught doing something wrong. I doubt it's deliberately manipulative. When this happened to me I'd feel embarrassed and ashamed, frustrated that I couldn't do the thing I wanted to, humiliated by being told off, trapped, self-loathing. The feelings led to the behaviour. I'm not suggesting you let her do whatever she wants! Just that it's likely not attention seeking or manipulation when you see this pattern.

She sounds like she needs counselling. There's something underlying all this, and hopefully the external perspective will help.

No. it's 100% aimed at anyone frankly but especially kids. Tik Tok destroys brains.

I agree but even the much talked about ban is for under 16s only.

When I was a teenager I used to tell my mom
alot of stuff too. Mainly what my friends were doing so she wouldn’t think I was like that and would think I was fairly good, however in reality I was joining in with them and pretending to my mom that I wasn’t by telling her.

That's a bad idea.

It seems like every time you find out she's struggling with something, you deal with it by punishing her for it.

She's being more secretive because she knows if she comes to you with a problem, you'll take something away from her rather than working with her to solve the problem.

Also why on earth is your clearly troubled 15 yo babysitting? She's obviously not able to do that safely.

Hmm. I'm going to go slightly against the grain here.

You have a history of inconsistent parenting from your description. Threatening consequences and then not following through. While removing the door and her privacy is drastic and a little extreme she has given you strong cause for concern. If you are out of the house all day it makes little difference to be honest.

I would see through the door punishment for the week and be clear that it goes back on, on X day.

I'd stick with the ban on social media and restricted use generally. No one died from lack of access to the internet. My experience is it takes about a month to detox from it. I'd ask her to write down how she is sleeping and how she feels now, and how that is in a month. When they realise just how much it impacts their moods, you can have a more sensible conversation about limits. My 15yr now actively asks for limits on all of it because she knows she'll just spend hours on rubbish and then spiral when she realises she could have been studying for exams.

Build on the positivity of the pt job with her aunt. Are extra hours available over the Easter hols / through exam periods for older students? Being out of the house being productive is a big confidence booster and if bored snacking is an issue it will help there too.

One question which hasn't come up. You mention younger siblings. Is she taking care of them a lot in loco parentis if you are doing 7 on, 2 days off shifts? What happens when that falls over a weekend?

I wouldn’t be overly concerned with the vaping right now, I’d concentrate on her MH , I’d also put the door back on, I don’t see how that is going to help.
she needs counselling and help.
Please put the door back on that is a horrible thing to have done to her.