Found vape in 16-year-old’s room, how to address and set boundaries?

[happyandhealthy4]

I found a vape laying around in DS16's room. He's tutoring someone and likely got the money to buy it from that.

DS16 is studying biology, chemistry, maths and physics at sixth form. Although he's doing well academically I'm concerned vaping could have a detrimental effect on his studies AND (more importantly) on his development and health.

I asked him how often he vapes and he said he only vapes when he's out with friends however I have no way of knowing whether he's actually addicted or how frequently he really uses it. When I was his age everyone was smoking and whilst I appreciate the pressures of fitting into a friend group, it's very concerning he's engaging in such harmful behaviour.

I'm furious over the situation and so decided to ask for some opinions/advice so I can reflect and cool down a bit before I speak with him. What steps apart from having a conversation about the risks of vaping can I take? I can confiscate the most but since he's buying it with his own money I don't think that will smarten much apart from make him hide better. Is it unreasonable to demand access to his bank account so I can monitor his purchases for the time being? Is vaping common amongst teens?

I left home at 16 due to an overbearing mother. I was incredibly vulnerable and had some awful experiences but I’d never have gone back there and even now I don’t regret leaving home at that age.
my kids are that age now and I would be very surprised if they were to leave any time in the next few years because they know they are safe, loved, respected and have autonomy appropriate to their age and capability.
Decent parents don’t control and manage their kids, they guide, advise , encourage, motivate, love, and if needed, pick up the pieces.
we lead by example whilst also accepting that part of growing up is making mistakes, pushing boundaries , breaking away and becoming independent, hopefully happy, well adjusted adults, with a healthy sense of self and a good relationship with their parents and a safe place that will always feel like home.

Put so well exactly how I feel.

To the authoritarians - none be of us love it that our child vapes. We will of course express our disapproval and point out the facts of this damaging stupid habit and ban it in the home.

But no we will not threaten our relationship with our young person or upset them over something as daft as vaping. Get some perspective. It’s pathetic.

He is 16, living at home, she is his mother. Of course she can demand access to his bank account so that as a parent she can do her job as a parent to make sure he doesn’t make stupid decisions and vape.

No, she can't, because he's 16. Which law gives her the right to access another's financial records, without their express permission?

I think some parents (evidenced on this thread) struggle with the transition between all powerful in charge mummy who will take your toys away if you are naughty and the far more nuanced parenting that is needed for 16 plus. It’s making me cringe reading some of these responses.

This is not appropriate at age 16. How can we expect our teens to be rounded adults if we don't let them make decisions with guidance? We can't treat 16 year olds like children and then expect them to turn into rounded adults.

My son who is 20 told me at Christmas he's been vaping since he was about 16. I had absolutely no idea. He's in the middle of uni now and doing very well. I am upset about it but it's his life and his decision. I didn't like it when he got tattoos either but again, it's his life and his body. I am just encouraging him to stop the vaping and he's never vaped in front of me/at my house/in front of family.

So anyway, don't go all guns blazing. You're fighting a losing battle. You won't win but you'll damage your relationship with your son. It's not worth it. Just encourage and support him to stop if he wants to do so.

I am super peeved because I used to brag that none of my kids vaped! How little I knew!

Exactly 😄 I’m sorry but most of them do. Hopefully they grow out of it.

Kitsy you need to step up as a parent - grab your 20 year old son by the ear and march him to a tattoo removal place.

I was thinking the same. It is a huge step fir sure, but not realising it will
justvnake everyone's life unbearable

Just because a parent may have strong feelings about a particular topic, I have very strong feelings about vaping due to family history of COPD, doesn't mean they parent that way for everything. There is a balance.

It is good for dc to see their parents standing up for and reacting to things they feel strongly about when warranted. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Of course. But you can’t make them bend to your will. That’s just not how it works post 16.

wholeheartedly agree!

Wholeheartedly agree!

You knew your daughter was vaping and you did nothing!!!! 🤯🤯 no conversation, no guidance? Did you tell her vaping is illegal to anybody under 18?

It's crazy that parents are normalising vaping and i really think that it is a huge factor in the amount of CHILDREN that vape today.
Many on here have said vaping is nothing in the grand scheme of things! Will you say the same when your CHILD takes a vape which is laced with something? Will you say the same when your CHILD shares a vape and contracts meningitis (which the Health Secretary has just announced is happing right now in our country)

Every CHILD is different and how we as PARENTS respond and react will differ depending on the child and situation. We know our children better than anyone, but vaping in my opinion should not be ignored, should not be accepted and us as adults need to lead by example.

It's tough, it's difficult but please don't normalise illegal activity to our young people, its a slippery slope!

Oh yes, I see how that reads. I had the conversations with her beforehand. Her dad vapes all the time, which she knows drives me insane. She only does it sociably to be the same as her mates. She’s battling anorexia so I had to wait until the time was right to bring it up then discuss it. I have to seriously pick my battles in a way that a lot of parents don’t.

I have just discovered my son’s vape. He’s 17.

We had a discussion in the car. I said I wasn’t going to tell him all the reasons why he shouldn’t because he knows them.

He says all his friends do, at school breaks and lunchtimes and it’s impossible to avoid, otherwise he wouldn’t get to hang out with his friends.

I’ve said we will talk about it again and help him with some ways to deal with that.