Found vape in 16-year-old’s room, how to address and set boundaries?

[happyandhealthy4]

I found a vape laying around in DS16's room. He's tutoring someone and likely got the money to buy it from that.

DS16 is studying biology, chemistry, maths and physics at sixth form. Although he's doing well academically I'm concerned vaping could have a detrimental effect on his studies AND (more importantly) on his development and health.

I asked him how often he vapes and he said he only vapes when he's out with friends however I have no way of knowing whether he's actually addicted or how frequently he really uses it. When I was his age everyone was smoking and whilst I appreciate the pressures of fitting into a friend group, it's very concerning he's engaging in such harmful behaviour.

I'm furious over the situation and so decided to ask for some opinions/advice so I can reflect and cool down a bit before I speak with him. What steps apart from having a conversation about the risks of vaping can I take? I can confiscate the most but since he's buying it with his own money I don't think that will smarten much apart from make him hide better. Is it unreasonable to demand access to his bank account so I can monitor his purchases for the time being? Is vaping common amongst teens?

I'd want to make sure he was buying them for an actual shop and not dodgy knock off ones

Vaping is ILLEGAL for under 18's. Why do parents think its acceptable? Yes I have teenage children and I was once a teenager who pushed boundaries etc.. but at no point did I break the law! My parents made it very clear of the consequences of breaking the law but ultimately the thought of disappointing them was enough for me.

I'm flabbergasted at some of the comments on here. Yes parenting is bloody hard, it's even harder with social media but at no point do I intend to make illegal activity acceptable in my children's eyes. Where does it end?

Sometimes you have to choose your battles. My battle is keeping my dd alive. I’m not going to get het up because my almost 18 year old started vaping socially about a year ago. I’ve never seen her do it, so it’s not an entrenched habit. And no, I don’t like it at all.

Idk how old you are, but I was able to drink from age 15 down the pub. It was so normalised when I was a teen.

Edit: To have not wanted to disappoint your parents would indicate you were a lot more placid than either dd or me.

So what practical steps would you take if your 16 year old vaped then? How would you actually stop them?! Popup at parties ? Scream and shout?

I can’t believe the blasé responses.

You could ground him for a start. Nothing but school and home.

It would be a form of financial abuse to make such a demand.

Don't be absurd, he's 16. As such, he can leave home, and even cross the border to Scotland and get married.

“Nothing but school and home”. For vaping?! Ridiculous

Vaping at 16 is safer than sex at 16.

Taking cocaine has become 'normalised' is that acceptable? Where do parents draw the line? Personally my line is illegal activity, and thats great because the government and law enforcement set that boundry, not me!

There is a reason Vapes are illegal, they are addictive, and potentially dangerous! God knows what damage young people are doing to their bodies. One of my daughters is 13 and it is rife! 13 is far too young and I can't believe parents are turning a blind eye? It's potentially the start of a slippery slope to other illegal activity. We are parents, not best friends!

Believe me i wasn't 'placid' but I did have respect for my parents and my dad's tone would put the s**ts up me. That's just the way I was brought up.

If my 16 year old started vaping on a regular basis I would definitely be doing something. A 16 year old is still a child, still heavily influenced and still needs the guidance and discipline from a parent! I would refuse to pay for their mobile phone, stop buying the designer clothes they expect. Make it clear that if they make bad decisions, there are consequences! I certainly won't be condoning it!

Nobody knows the true extent of the dangers and vaping, there isn't enough evidence to make that comment.

Which is what people on this thread are missing.

They can leave and get up to anything and you will not have any say at all.

There are ways of dealing with teenagers and coming down heavy so they're in a tight grip is not one of them.

Get away! Financial abuse! I Financially support my children so they can have all the 'cool' stuff. Most of their money is what I have provided them with so I would have no issues in asking to see their spending activity.
I'm not entirely sure what it would achieve though?
They are 16, still children, still heavily influenced and still needs guidance from parents in my opinion.

I had a similar thing. I explained to my daughter that she is clever and knows the risks with it. No one in our house smokes or vapes but I know you can’t control that age and older, it’s fighting a loosing battle. I told her I don’t like it, don’t think she should do it but to do whatever but not in the house and if I ever came across any vapes or related I’d throw it in the bin. This was a few years ago and as far as I’m aware she’s stuck to the rules. It’s their life at the end of the day.

Is your child in 6th form? I am asking as there’s a massive jump between years 11 and 12.

Obviously teens need guidance and 18 year olds also need guidance, some more than others. What they don’t need is parents coming all heavy handed at them.

Some 16 year olds would move out and stay with friends if their parents stopped paying for their phone and cut them off from money as you are suggesting. This could rupture a relationship for a very long time.

Not all teens are the same. My 17 yo needs kid gloves and what you are suggesting would destroy our relationship.

My children are 13, 15, 18 and 21

The original post was about a 16 year old. In my opinion a 16 year old still needs parenting. Not yelling or screaming, but parenting thats suitable for that child.

Turning a blind eye to illegal activity is not parenting. Some might say its neglect!

Too many 'parents' want to be best friends. Yes maybe at 17/18 you can start that kind of relationship, but not at 16 and below. Children need boundaries and consequences. They need to show respect for boundaries (which is actually established at a much younger age than what we are talking about on this thread)

That is just my opinion - shoot me down! but fortunately it has worked for me so far 👍🏻

A 16 yo may be able to walk out the door, but you as the parent still get to make certain decisions if they want your financial support.

No you can’t do this. If you carry on being so controlling you will drive home away.
He’ll change a lot over the next few years and will try lots of different ‘adult’ things out to see if they suit him. What would be nice is if he had a parent he could discuss these things openly with and get the wisdom of your experience, instead he’ll hide things from you and he’ll slowly become a stranger. Tread carefully here OP and good luck.

You’re well over the top with your reaction, furious, confiscating and demanding access to his bank account, ffs it’s a vape, he’s hardly pablo Escobar

Vaping under 18 is illegal! since when did it become acceptable for it to be ok to break the law! What example are we setting these young people! 🙄

No one said it’s ok.

Most of us can understand a teen pushing though.

many of us drank underage, smoked underage, had sex underage. Yet we still, most of us grew up into decent humans.

when I was training to be a foster carer we were told to pick our battles. This would not be a hill to die on!

Just educate him about the risks to his health and the planet so he’s aware. Possibly best coming from an educational source or documentary rather than you.

Also educate him about the law around vapes and smoking

Maybe not the best approach but having lost a parent to copd I went full on tonto when I smelt that sickly sweet vape smell from ds’s room.

Told him of the dangers, long term use risks, talked about my dad who he was close to and watched him suffering with copd for years, how disappointed I was he was doing it “because everyone else was”, told him he was an adult and it was his choice, but he wouldn’t be doing it in my house, I wouldn’t be paying for him to risk his health and I’d be reducing his uni top ups.

Thankfully he saw sense and stopped.

And what decisions can be made in this situation? As a 16 year old, would you have acquiesced to a demand by your parents to have access your bank account? I certainly wouldn’t have.