Found vape in 16-year-old’s room, how to address and set boundaries?

[happyandhealthy4]

I found a vape laying around in DS16's room. He's tutoring someone and likely got the money to buy it from that.

DS16 is studying biology, chemistry, maths and physics at sixth form. Although he's doing well academically I'm concerned vaping could have a detrimental effect on his studies AND (more importantly) on his development and health.

I asked him how often he vapes and he said he only vapes when he's out with friends however I have no way of knowing whether he's actually addicted or how frequently he really uses it. When I was his age everyone was smoking and whilst I appreciate the pressures of fitting into a friend group, it's very concerning he's engaging in such harmful behaviour.

I'm furious over the situation and so decided to ask for some opinions/advice so I can reflect and cool down a bit before I speak with him. What steps apart from having a conversation about the risks of vaping can I take? I can confiscate the most but since he's buying it with his own money I don't think that will smarten much apart from make him hide better. Is it unreasonable to demand access to his bank account so I can monitor his purchases for the time being? Is vaping common amongst teens?

No. It’s a gross invasion of privacy.

In fact this seems like such a massive overreaction to a kid that’s clearly pretty much a good lad.

Keep it up and you’ll lose him.

When I was his age everyone was smoking and whilst I appreciate the pressures of fitting into a friend group, it's very concerning he's engaging in such harmful behaviour.

Do as i say not as I did? Or were you not a smoker?
He sounds like a clever boy studying 4 tough subjects, and he's tutoring! At this age it's time to learn from some mistakes. Your outrage sounds OTT and extremely controlling- you're at risk of turning him against you and into further rebellion.
I hate vaping too but there are bigger battles to be fought. What will you do if you find condoms?!

Why have you posted this twice. You’ve had plenty of responses saying you’re completely over reacting about a less than ideal and stupid but entirely age appropriate behaviour

What do you mean, there's nothing you can do?

Why would vaping affect your ds’s studies? He needs some body autonomy.

Is it great? No. When I realised my dd was vaping, I said nothing. Then one day when she was talking about things with her friends, I said I know she vapes. She asked how and although I knew before anyway, I could show her a photo she sent me of herself holding a vape. I still didn’t tell her not to. And of course I disapprove.

The more taboo something is, the more seductive it will be. Be careful what you do op because this is really minor in the scheme of things and if that’s all you’ve had to worry about with your ds, you’ve got off tremendously lightly.

It sounds as we don’t care but that’s definitely not the case. Have you got teenagers? Mine are hardworking, bright, and articulate. They both have lots of friends, mostly nice, and busy social lives. My younger one does like to push boundaries.

When they were younger they both used to be disgusted by smoking and vaping and were adamant they’d never do it - but they’ve been sucked in. Their peer group has way more influence over their choices than we do now. If I come down hard on them they’ll just be sneakier. And risk ruining our relationship. I’m hoping it’s just a normal teenage phase which they’ll grow out of.

What would you do? I mean this as a genuine question as obviously I hate it and would like them to stop.

Exactly joyful. Also interested to hear what a parent should “do”. Shout and scream at them 90s parent style? Curtail their freedom so they hate you?

We found vapes at 14. Was going to go mad but coincidentally saw older wiser friends before we saw Dd as she was on a sleepover. They really helped us put it in perspective. We did a serious talk said how crap and unhealthy they were and not what our family did. Dd did stop vaping (according to reliable spies).

Then a really big difficult thing happened which we were able to face together so in the long run we were glad we hadn’t risked our relationship with her over something daft like vapes,

Watch the channel 4 program ‘Jordan North The Truth About Vaping’ with him.
Let him make an informed decision once he knows the risks of fake vapes as well as the health and developmental risks on young people vaping.

If you want to continue a relationship with your son, this is not a hill you want to die on. Express your feelings and let him be the judge. Even if you did monitor his bank (I absolutely do not think this is the way forward) he’ll find another way, whilst your relationship slowly circles the drain.

You're approaching this completely wrong. He's too old for you to restrict into behaving how you want. Treat him like the emerging young adult he is and have a sensible conversation with him about the risks and harms of vaping. Don't talk about negative impact on his studies because how on earth do you think it would? Focus on the health risks. Essentially you can put rules about what happens in your house but not what he does outside which includes choosing to buy vapes.

DH vapes. DD2 is 17 and I have found vape equipment in her pockets from time to time (when I wash her coat, not snooping). I hope she will take the view of it, that eventually I did re smoking. I tried smoking quite a bit and did it socially in my teens and early 20s but ultimately decided it was expensive and unhealthy. But also aware that DDs could also go their dad's way and be addicted to nicotine. She is pretty health conscious so hopefully she will drop it. But it's her choice and her money.

Honestly friends were envious that this was the worst we had had to deal with!

It’s pretty endemic. At 16 just express your view and say not in the house. There’s not much more you can do 16 plus.

What is your 13 yr old doing to get regular money from people other than you?

Depends what account he has really. Was it opened in connection to an adult account? My DS is 16 and has two, a Barclays account I opened when he was a baby and an under 16 Monzo I set up when he was 15 so he could have his own debit card and start learning a bit of independence with money. Both are still linked to my accounts even though he’s now 16. With the Monzo I get notifications for his spending and can see where purchases are made and from what I understand that one just closes when they turn 18 unless they open their own account. I’m not totally sure when the Barclays one becomes fully independent, I think it might be around this age. Personally I think whether parents should still have access after 16 depends on the child. My DS is neurodivergent and still learning the ropes financially so the Monzo wasn’t about monitoring him, more about building independence gradually, though it is reassuring to see his spending is generally sensible apart from the occasional eye watering PS5 in game purchase. But in the case of ‘demanding’ direct access from your DS to accounts he currently has, I think just asking normally would be better, and if he says no then you will just have to respect that. Also be mindful that even if you had access to his accounts….he could for example buy 10 vapes in Sainsbury’s, and all it would say in the transaction is ‘Sainsbury’s and the amount spent, so I’m not sure how his transactions would show if he had bought a vape unless he is buying from specialist vape stores, which teenagers most likely are not.

Selling stuff on Vinted, birthday money, occasional work looking after animals

I've just read on another thread somebody suggesting a parent buys their child a refillable, rechargeable vape, and nicotine-free liquid to go with it - to address the potential nicotine addiction. Sounds sensible, but would need the DC to be on board. I might try it.

Yes!

This 👆🏼

Catch yourself on.......clearly you know very little about teenagers these days. Believe me I've been there and still am......

I am quite astounded at a parent wanting to monitor bank transactions of a 16 year old! you cant be serious OP

At 16 I was taking class A drugs and raving all weekend - I think by this age you just have a conversation about it don't you?

I'd tread carefully if I were you OP. He could leave home now if he wanted to and there would be bugger all you could do about it. I did when my mother's control just got too much.

You can tell him not in the house and that's about it.

Choose your battles wisely. Upsetting but it could be balloons or weed or worse. Say ypur piece and let it go. He grow out of it

Talk to him about your concerns, i wouldn’t go into bank account monitoring.

He is a teen.. he will do as he pleases. You can set boundaries and express concerns but he will do it anyway. You'll either not know about it or you'll find out. Either way he will do his own thing regardless of your thoughts and feelings...