Found vape in 16-year-old’s room, how to address and set boundaries?

[happyandhealthy4]

I found a vape laying around in DS16's room. He's tutoring someone and likely got the money to buy it from that.

DS16 is studying biology, chemistry, maths and physics at sixth form. Although he's doing well academically I'm concerned vaping could have a detrimental effect on his studies AND (more importantly) on his development and health.

I asked him how often he vapes and he said he only vapes when he's out with friends however I have no way of knowing whether he's actually addicted or how frequently he really uses it. When I was his age everyone was smoking and whilst I appreciate the pressures of fitting into a friend group, it's very concerning he's engaging in such harmful behaviour.

I'm furious over the situation and so decided to ask for some opinions/advice so I can reflect and cool down a bit before I speak with him. What steps apart from having a conversation about the risks of vaping can I take? I can confiscate the most but since he's buying it with his own money I don't think that will smarten much apart from make him hide better. Is it unreasonable to demand access to his bank account so I can monitor his purchases for the time being? Is vaping common amongst teens?

If he earns his own money, then no you can't demand access to his bank account.

Yeah, it's unreasonable to demand access to his bank account. Unless you want to destroy the relationship entirely with him I'd advise you tell him that he is absolutely not to vape in the house, that you really wish he'd think about quitting and then leave him to it.

I've spent 30 years teaching teenagers and there is little that is more likely to stir rebellion and defiance than a parent who goes completely over the top about something as common as vaping. And yes, it's very common with them.

I loathe it, and think it's a nasty habit. But you have to let people make their own mistakes unless you want to create a huge amount of resentment towards you. It's too controlling now he is in Sixth Form.

My 13 year old and 15 year olds (both clever, high achieving kids) vape too. I hate it - peer pressure and it’s cool in the way smoking was for us at their age. I don’t think there’s a lot we can do to stop them, their friends all have so much more influence over them than we do now.

Vaping is horrible it’s stupid and it’s a waste of time and money. It’s also done by the majority of teens even those who will proudly come on here and tell you their child wouldn’t dream of it

i can’t stand it but I decided I was going to choose the battles I fight and vaping isn’t one I’m going to win. Cigarettes and drugs I will fight, vapes, they know my views but it’s battle I will never win

At 13 years old you can do something surely??

Demand access to his bank account? have you gone mad? he’s not smoking crack, how would it harm his education?
Going hardline never works, calm yourself and just have a chat saying you’re not happy and would appreciate him stopping it.

Id be grateful it wasn't heroin and move on with my day

He's 16, and could leave home if he so wished. Of course you can't demand access to his bank account, don't be so controlling.

He’s 16 and he’s tutoring someone. He’s obviously a decent kid. Yes, vaping is less than ideal but all you can do is stress the risks and let him get on with it. That is how they learn. And no, you can’t insist on access to his bank account.

I found some chewing tobacco or whatever it’s called in DS drawer when he was 16. I just ignored it.
Honestly your DS sounds like a great kid, so what if he is experimenting with vapes, it could be a lot worse. I smoked secretly when I was 16 because I thought it was cool, thankfully it was the one thing my overly strict parents didn’t seem to find out about or maybe just maybe even DM managed to ignore it.

You would think so but not as straightforward as you might think. They are very independent, strong willed etc. We have stopped all pocket money but they are finding ways to make money. They make their own way to and from school. Amongst all the other teen shit we are dealing with this is not the most worrying so as previous poster has said, I’m picking my battles.

Same here - our rule is ‘not in the house’ and if she’d break this rule, I have told her I will do a thorough room search and throw everything vape related in the bin , no matter how much it all cost

If he is tutoring and getting his own money then if you get control of his bank account (don’t even try by the way) he just asks for cash and then where are you?

you can’t control this. The only tool you have left is persuasion.

Surely I can demand to monitor his transactions temporarily. I don't want him buying more vapes and I can't think of many ways to stop it

You can’t stop it. Not at 16, unfortunately. I’d be very disappointed in him and tell him so. But there’s no realistic way you can prevent him getting access to vapes.

I mean yes you can ask.

but if he says no you have no way of making him.

and if I were him I’d say yes and then either ask for cash or set up another bank account you don’t know about.

rule 1, don’t try to enforce things the other person can easily evade.

How is he buying them himself when you have to be 18.

It’s just a vape. Not ideal, obviously, but teens will always experiment with stuff. Did you not ever try smoking, alcohol, weed, etc when you were a teenager?

The same way we bought alcohol under 18 in the 90s. There’s always a shop willing to sell without ID / a friend’s older sibling / a parent trying to be cool.

Very unreasonable to demand access to bank account and yes extremely common amongst teens. You need to speak to him and advise him/ point out how detrimental it is . I have an 18 year old son who vapes and I take any opportunity I have to discuss how much I hate that he does it. he would never be allowed to vape in the house and respects this. At 16 you cant and shouldn’t be trying to control your child - you need to explain your reasoning and communicate x

Yeah as PP have said, it’s not ideal and you can of course express your displeasure and disapproval but there’s not much else you can do. Coming down hard on him WILL damage your relationship and make him more sneaky about it (and potentially other things - if he gets himself in some kind of other bother, he’ll feel he can’t come to you). It sounds like he’s a good kid and hardworking, it could be a lot worse and vaping won’t ruin his chances to make progress and be a decent member of society.
ETA of course it’s not great for his health either but neither are lots of things (lots of things which it sounds like he’s not doing already, e.g. drugs/heavy boozing etc)

Maybe look back at your own teenage years and try to feel how you would have reacted if your parents would take control of your bank account when 16.
I know that it would have made me really angry and controlled, leading to me distancing myself more from them.

I think it’s better to talk about it, explain you are disappointed and that you hope he’ll soon realise it’s not healthy and needs to stop And occasionally WhatsApp scary vape stories …

My dd has reduced the amount as she is secretly worried when reading those news stories I throw her way.

I'm furious over the situation This is excessive for the situation. Where is the fury coming from?

Vaping is a bad choice, but your response is out of proportion.

You can't stop him. You can only talk to him about the potential dangers and not allow smoking it in the house or garden. That's it. Teenagers of 16 make their own decisions and sometimes make wrong ones but that is part of growing up.

No, you can’t. How many times do you need to be told this?