Daughter's unreasonable demands and unwise choices

[Smileatalltimes]

I feel like I'm continually disagreeing with my 16 year old daughter and saying no to her demands, which is making her extremely hostile.
Latest examples:
Not agreeing to pay for her to have her hair dyed black at a salon.
Not agreeing to pay £250 deposit for a 6th form trip (plus subsequent payments) when we don't know at this stage if she will qualify for 6th Form.
Refusing to pay £200 for a prom dress on Vinted (might not fit).
Not supporting her A level choices. She's refusing to take her best subject, which could lead to various careers I think she'd enjoy, because she doesn't like the teacher. Instead she's selected only creative subjects which she enjoys but doesn't want to do as a career (eg: Dance & photography) this is the most serious current conflict & I could really do with some advice on how to handle!
Generally she's not a bad teen, doesn't get into much trouble at school, is fairly focused on her studies, but these (seems like daily) battles are getting me down.

Re the A level subjects, I'd let her choose to be honest. Much more important that she's happy and studying what she wants to do. Many more problems down the line would result if you compelled her to do a course I think.
Money, yes, you're totally not unreasonable. She'll calm down and see your side. Encourage babysitting or something for spare cash?

hair dye - is it just the colour? If so, leave her to it.
Deposit for trip - is it refundable? If yes, then pay. If not, then don’t pay.
Prom dress - what’s the budget? If it’s £200, remind her that if it doesn’t fit she will have no dress to wear (although you could resell it on Vinted to recoup some cost)
A level choices - forcing her to take subjects she doesn’t want won’t end well. Can you get a teacher at school to speak to her about this?

£250 !! She could get a job to pay for it ( good luck with that) or buy box dye ?

I think the A level subject choice is one to look at and see what options it opens her to for university. Look at the required subjects listed if there are any. Also that some courses will state entry grades but they will also be looking at the subjects those predicted grades are in and she could be closing some doors.

However, this is about getting the highest grades so choosing subjects she will enjoy and engage with is important. There is a balance.

For things like hair, who is paying for the upkeep of her roots if she dyes it black? Does she also realise that if she wants to lighten it then this will take a long time as there is only so much processing your hair can take. Watch some youtube videos together of professional hair salons bleaching up hair.

I think just talk to her like she is an adult. No raised voices, no exasperation just try to have a conversation about it all. More of a let's look at this together rather than you knowing everything, which is how she will perceive it.

Mum, is that you?

😁

Oh gosh, you've just brought back so many memories.
I had so many conflicts ehen i was 16 with my mum that are so similar.

You need to pick your battles.

To pay for things (like going to the hairdresser and buying dresses) I got a Saturday job.
It was a great life lesson. Because I had to work and pay for it, suddenly I wasn't so keen paying £200 for a dress.

The A-levels - my advice is to change your stance on this. You may think she's made unwise choice, but it is her choice.

I think you need to put this into perspective.
You said she not a bad kid. These are not stupid, dangerous or illegal decisions. She is trying to work out who she is.

She needs to pick her A Levels. It might not be the choices you’d make… but it’s not your life! (Sorry). It might turn out to be an unwise choice, but it’s much better that she makes it and finds a way to change path later, than she does what you want, underperforms in a strop and resents you.

Just make sure she has all the info to hand about what various choices will mean.

Hair dye and school trips - give her a budget. If she wants more than she has budget for, she works out a plan to earn something!

Is the there really a risk of her not getting into sixth form? Can the dress not be returned? Where should she get her prom dress?

A-levels you’re right, she’s being silly. Could she study elsewhere if the issue is the teachers?

Ex teacher

it’s generally a bad idea for parents to choose a levels for students. There is a lot of work that goes into them and students that don’t want to be there and resent their parents for making them do subject X generally don’t do well.

the choices are usually firmed up after gcse results and most schools and colleges allow swops in the first couple of weeks.

money - meh. Give her a budget for prom and leave her to it.

Can she use a box dye or get a job to pay for the hairdresser?
Can she go out and see what prom dresses are available locally first, so she can try stuff on (with her mates) and buy something that fits?
I would imagine the school trip would be fundable if she didn’t get into 6th form - perhaps ask school, it maybe an incentive for her to work at her GCSE’s

I don’t it’s down to you to decide what a'levels she does, let her choose - she is the one that is going to have to do the work.

“Which could lead to various careers i think she’d enjoy”

But she may not enjoy them. Thats not for you to decide. In my experience those kids that take A level subjects their parents have chosen have dropped out or changed subjects by Christmas. She’s the one who has to study and put the work in so it should be her choice.

Be very careful, you’ll lose her.

There’s always a compromise.

Let her choose her subjects. It’s not you doing them.

Might she be a prime candidate to do T-levrl or BTEC extended diploma instead of A levels? Distinctions or DistinctionStars could happily lead her to uni for a related degree, and if not she would have a clear vocational route.

The A-Level subjects, sorry OP but you need to let that go. She will be more likely to complete if she enjoys her subjects.

£250 for hairdressers is ridiculous and there will be so much upkeep. That and the prom dress seem fair things to say no to if unaffordable. Tell her she can have expensive hair and dresses if she gets a job and saves for them.

Ask the school if you will get your deposit back if she doesn't get into sixth form - how likely is it she won't get in?

Can you talk to the school about the trip money? Surely you're not the only one in this position?

I would pay for the dress (assuming you can afford it). It's cheaper than new, she can re-sell it on vinted if it doesn't fit, and prom is a big deal for her. I wouldn't pay for the hair dye.

Basing her A level choice on a teacher she doesn't like is a bit silly. Would she have the same teacher for A level? Having said that, it is her decision at the end of the day. Maybe you can do a bit of research into possible careers with her? So that she understands how her A level choices may limit her?

OP didn’t say the salon would be £250. That’s the trip.
I was fortunate to have zero teenage dramas with my three. It probably was just luck but also I did allow them to make their own choices after giving my opinion.
‘I really don’t think you’d suit black but it’s up to you’
’Your dress budget is £200 but there is a big risk that one won’t be right then you’ll have to sell it and get something else’.
Does she have an allowance? Mine got the equivalent of about £100 a month for things like hair and clothes. Then I told them what I would pay for. Even made a list! One pair of brand trainers a year. One coat. All supermarket toiletries. Then if they chose to colour their hair or buy rubbish clothes it was on them.

I think you need to pick your battles. I appreciate you not wanting to spend your money on big ticket items but is there a way she can afford them herself? Savings, getting a job, Christmas/birthday money or gifts?

With the hair dye can she use box dye instead? Or do you object to her dying her hair full stop?

As for the A level subjects I think you need to let that go. Have a calm conversation about her plans for the future but ultimately leave her be. I’ve known adults career change well into their 50s she doesn’t have to find and stick to a career path at 16.

Ultimately, shes a totally different person to you. If you want to have a good relationship with her as she gets older you need to find a way to offer advice and be supportive of the choices she makes (even the ones you wouldn’t make yourself).

Hair dye, she need to get a job to pay for it. Ditto dress.

How come the school is asking already for a trip way in the future? Wait until September for that one.

A levels - I wanted to do media studies and theatre studies but was pushed towards more academic subjects; no idea why as I’m not particularly academic. Result was I dicked around, passed nothing, finished and went to a much less academic college. I often wonder where I’d be if I’d been allowed to study what I wanted originally.

Prom dress - £200 isn’t bad, could she find one in a slightly larger size, then pay to have it tailored? Minor alterations wouldn’t cost a lot.

I’ve had six children and I really would suggest you back of re the A Levels. Teenagers can be their own worst enemies and there is a strong possibility if you force subjects on her she simply won’t do them as well as she could. You could also put such a strain on your relationship with a domineering attitude towards her over such important personal decisions, that it never recovers.

For my two pennies worth - I’d consider gifting a hairdressers voucher for her birthday or Christmas and she can choose herself what to do with it, I’d not pay that much for a dress get her to look in TK Maxx etc or go halves so she uses her own money (also don’t forget clothes can be altered if the fit isn’t quite right), and the 6th Form trip I’d talk to school about what happens if she doesn’t get in to 6th Form and then come up with a payment agreement with my daughter regarding it…even if it’s that she has particular chores she has to do for me to help pay towards it if she can’t get an outside job.

Thanks for your replies. It's going to be touch and go whether she gets into 6th form, maths is a weakness and they can't resit at her school.
The deposit for the trip is non refundable, plus there will be subsequent payments before September, also not refundable. I'm thinking of saying if she doesn't get in she'll have to pay us back out of her (modest) trust fund - is that mean?
She enjoys the A level subject in question and has a talent for it. Her decision is purely based on the teacher, who seems encouraging and nice to me! I might discuss with the head of 6th form, or have a think about whether anyone else in the family will talk to her.
The dress....I've decided we will pay half. She does have an ad-hoc part time job.
The hair dye - apparently box dyes are rubbish, but tough, I didn't pay to have my hair professionally dyed until I was an adult with my own money.

Some clever people over on the style &beauty forum have worked out a way to dye your hair at home, but using salon-grade supplies. So you buy the tints and the activator (from Amazon maybe?) and mix it yourself. It works out much cheaper but apparently has v good results.

If you can help your DD with this, it might gain you some brownie points and help bring you back a little closer together?

There is no option to wait until September to pay, if we don't pay the deposit now she can't go.
The subject i'd like her to do is Graphics because she's really good at it and enjoys it, but doesn't like the teacher. Instead she's chosen photography.
Her other two subjects will be one fun one based on her hobby and one academic, we agree on both of these

Why can’t she go to another 6th form or college to do A level and have a different teacher?

if she wants to pay a non refundable amount to n a trip she might not be able to attend, then it comes out of her trust fund from the start

if she wants to dye her hair then she can get a job and pay for it. I work in a pub with many 6th formers who then go on to attend university and come back and work in the holidays.