Daughter's unreasonable demands and unwise choices

[Smileatalltimes]

I feel like I'm continually disagreeing with my 16 year old daughter and saying no to her demands, which is making her extremely hostile.
Latest examples:
Not agreeing to pay for her to have her hair dyed black at a salon.
Not agreeing to pay £250 deposit for a 6th form trip (plus subsequent payments) when we don't know at this stage if she will qualify for 6th Form.
Refusing to pay £200 for a prom dress on Vinted (might not fit).
Not supporting her A level choices. She's refusing to take her best subject, which could lead to various careers I think she'd enjoy, because she doesn't like the teacher. Instead she's selected only creative subjects which she enjoys but doesn't want to do as a career (eg: Dance & photography) this is the most serious current conflict & I could really do with some advice on how to handle!
Generally she's not a bad teen, doesn't get into much trouble at school, is fairly focused on her studies, but these (seems like daily) battles are getting me down.

I get your reasoning with her demands but for her A levels you should let her make her own choices. She is likely to enjoy her chosen subjects and as a result should do better in them. I think you should back off with this one and show some support instead.

If she wants her hair dyed and the prom dress she pays for them herself by getting a job. That would be my response. And wouldn’t discuss it again.

Let her choose her own A levels. They don't usually have to finalise the choices until results day anyway and she might change her mind by then. Hair/dress - she can pay for herself. Trip - find out more about payments.

Would the trip not be an incentive to trying her best to get into 6th form? Is she having extra help for the maths?

Id feel the same re hair, if she wants that done she can save her own money to pay for it.

My DDs prom dress was £400 so I think £200 is quite good, why would it not fit? Could you take her prom dress shopping to see if there’s anything else she likes first?

Im not surprised your dd is fed up tbh.

I wouldn’t pay for the hair dye, she can use a box dye like all the other penniless teenagers 😆 and jet black is the easiest to do at home.

I might pay for the Vinted dress if her heart is set on it and you can afford it, but it would be made very clear to her that the risk of buying online would be incurred by her - if it doesn’t fit/suit, tough shit, it will be up to her to resell it and find an alternative.

I would not fight her on the A Level choices, as I feel this would be counterproductive. She knows it’s supposed to be her choice, and rightly so, as it’s her life and her future. Better to pull right back on the conflict and try to open a dialogue so she can talk to you about the pros and cons without feeling defensive or railroaded.

I found myself saying “we have already had this conversation, and I have no intention of having it again” rather a lot during the teenage years. I am always happy to discuss any issue, but once a decision has been made, I don’t feel obliged to indulge whining, begging or nagging and would shut it down quite firmly. Teenagers seem to have a way of reacting to the word “no” as if it breached the Geneva convention. They do grow out of it.

Re. The Vinted dress. I agree with others that £200 isn’t an unreasonable price for a prom dress. From what you’ve said, I’m assuming that it’s a smaller size than she typically wears and that’s why you don’t want to buy it? If that’s the case, fair enough. If it’s larger than she typically wears though, it could be altered to fit her. Many (most?) prom dresses need to be altered anyway, my DD’s was.

I was a nightmare teen, me and my mother would go at each other like cat and dog. I'm 34 now and we're each other's best friend, but those years were ROUGH.

Dying her hair she can sort herself, especially as this isn't a one off as there'll be upkeep. Give her a budget for the prom dress and let her decide but be clear if the Vinted dress doesn't fit there's not another £200 waiting for her to purchase another one. These things are simply teaching her the value of money.

A-levels are a personal choice, it's her choice of career at the end of the day. Whatever you think I wouldn't push that one onto her. I did a degree in uni that I never used after, still went on to have a good job. She's finding herself and if she decides at 19 she made the wrong choice so be it, people continue study and change careers much further down the line, it's not like there's only one shot.

As an aside, it sounds like you really don't believe she'll get the grades to continue to sixth form so is there anything you're doing to help her? As someone who also struggled with Maths, consider getting her a tutor (if not already). She needs the best chance she can get for core subjects especially if she can't resit. My confidence with Maths was non-existent and I was on track for a D but achieved a B with the right support. Don't get me wrong she has to put the work in but you sound resigned to the fact she won't achieve the grades.

You get to decide right now whether or not your daughter continues to speak to you once she’s self sufficient.

It’s ok if you don’t want to pay for everything- let her get a job.

Trying to pressure her into what you think she will enjoy … oh dear. You’re now dealing with the consequences of being overly involved in your child’s choices and using pressure to get your way.

The fact you didn't get to do something is a poor reason to say no. It smacks of spite and envy not mature parenting.

Can she do some extra chores to earn the money for the salon hair dye?

Time for her to get herself a job!!! I have a 21 yr old, a 19year old as well as a 15 year old who can't wait to turn 16 because she knows her sisters both got jobs at 16 and then had the freedom to save or spend as they wanted.

I've never agreed to the really expensive trips as I've always told them I won't pay more for a trip for ONE child than I do for the whole family to go away for the whole summer, lol. They always accepted this.

Regarding hair... I'm lucky or not, depending on how you look at it, that none of mine want to go to a hair dresser and instead insists that I am better than any old expensive hairdresser and so far have ,with the wonderful YouTube tutorials, managed any hair cut or colour they choose... I've suggested an actual trained hairdresser but they just reply with "eww.... I'm not letting some stranger touch my hair... That's weird"

As for prom dress.... My daughter took control and made her own... I paid for the fabric and helped with one part that she was struggling to understand on the pattern, and then did the hemming as she only started sewing a couple of days before prom so was running out of time.

Sounds like your daughter has got used to you providing everything rather than trying to be independent. However on the six form options... I'd give her the choice here as she is the one who will be doing it... I dropped art despite it being my best subject because I couldn't stand the teacher... If I'd stayed longer it could have come to blows. Let her know that there are lots of different options such as at other schools or going to college, apprenticeships ect. But do warn her to revise and try hard in Maths as I've seen lots of people struggle and face having to repeat maths alongside their courses. My daughter's friend had to retake maths 3 years running while doing textiles, and my middle aged brother has been told he has to do maths and English alongside the course he wants to do. And a few years back I was doing my diploma and a few of my classmates had to repeat maths and/or English because they either failed or couldn't prove they had passed them back in the day.

I think at that age you really do have to let them make their own choices about A levels. Advise them yeah, but end of the day it is their own choice and you do have to accept that.
Yanbu about not paying for her hair dye.. why cant she pay for it herself?
And going halves on the prom dress is sensible.
I think you should probably pay the deposit for the trip and take it back out of her trust fund if she doesn't get into 6th form. As actually that's much more encouraging for her. She may feel like you think shes incapable of getting into 6th form if you don't. Teens will take things extremely personally.

Her A levels are her choice, not yours.
Surely the school would refund the trip of she didn't get in? Is she likely to not get in? Are you going to let her go on the trip once she does get in?

Same here. She needs to choose her own A-levels. Remind her that keeping options open at this stage is the best thing she can do for herself, assume that the teachers are also talking to her about it (if not, get on the phone, tell them the issues, see what they think, ask for help) but ultimately, let her choose the subjects she's going to need to work really hard at for the next two years. I was deemed the academic one, and absoultely am not, totally flunked all subjects, and didn't get in to Uni. That wasn't actually the end of the world, I got a good job and was earning a proper salary by the time all my friends were eating lentils at uni, but I always resented my parents for pushing me into something I didn't want to do. Lots of sensible advice re money on here that I am going to take for my 14 year old DS. But I am also struggling with her, I can feel her slipping away and we keep clashing, no matter how aware of it all that I am.... want to put the breaks on and halt the progress of time!

I would not push on the A levels. Especially not when it’s graphics vs photography. Most university graphics courses don’t ask for a graphics A level as an entry requirement so she could still go on to do that if she wanted. I nearly dropped the subject that I went on to do at uni because I hated my AS teacher for it. Luckily I ended up getting assigned a different teacher but I stand by it being the right choice if not as I absolutely would have ended up failing the class and never turning up.

Has she talked to the school about A level choices they might be more able to discuss them rationally. If her best subject is also her preferred career option it would be a shame to give it up just because of the teacher. Are there other places she could do A levels (or that A level) with different teachers, although there is no guarantee she will get along with them.

You’ve turned your relationship into a constant battle.
i absolutely would not pay that much for her hair- that’s an accept my conditions: box die or local hairdresser etc., or get a job to pay for it. That’s way more than I’d pay for myself and I have highlights.
Prom dress - I would have assumed you had a budget for this already? I have two teen girls so knew it was coming and told them their budget. If it doesn’t fit, get a seamstress to alter it? As long as not too small obvs. They generally need some alteration even if bought brand new. To me £200 isn’t that bad - appreciate everyone has different financial constraints. She just needs to stick to a budget.
A levels - as someone else has said, look at her options beyond school and if those subjects are compatible. She will be better doing subjects she loves. Worst case scenario - another year or two at college to complete more A levels later?
Take a breath before you ruin your relationship with her.

In terms of value and future transactions, there’s not much between Graphics or Photography, so although her reasoning is flawed, it’s not a hill to die on. I over-influenced a GCSE choice in terms of ‘currency’ and regret it.

The hair…she’s right, black box dye will look rubbish. But that’s one for the wages, I suppose.

Prom dress…be glad she’s gone so low. You could have been looking at three times that.

The trip…if they don’t let her in, they must refund your deposit.

You need to let her choose her own A-levels. If she doesn't enjoy what she is doing then there is no point. Just say to her that it is her life, her choice, but she does need to consider what she needs to get into Uni, if she wants to go, or to get into a job or apprenticeship.

The hair - fair enough, she needs to pay for it herself. DD 17, I have paid for her hair once, but told her I couldn't keep on paying for it to be done.

Prom dress at £200, she is having a laugh - give her a budget that you can afford for the whole outfit, dress, shoes, jewellery, bag, hair etc and she has to stick to it. We spent less than £200 on everything.

I’d rethink the A levels. I work at a college and if students are happy and have an interest in their subject they tend to do so much better.

As for the money etc, could she get a part time job?

Had a friend at school who wanted to be a teacher, and chose photography at college as her 4th A Level subject due to not knowing what else to take. Found out she loved it so much she went on to study it at university and now owns her own successful photography business. So it’s surprising how things work out.

A levels, hmm, hard choice. I encouraged my DS to do travel and tourism GCSE because he wasn't that academic and school said it was quite an easy option. He agreed, but over the summer holidays said he didn't want to do it and wanted to take drama.

I encouraged him to stay with T&T and he did. Hated it throughout and only achieved level 1 btec when it should have been a level 2.

Now taking level 3 drama btec and doing really well! Despite not doing level 2 as all his classmates have! I feel so bad for not listening to him 4 years ago.....

Long term of course you need decent subjects, but he is also doing UPS and biology. Unless your child has a clear career plan which needs certain subjects, then let them do subjects they enjoy, if possible.

I wouldn't let my dd buy a prom dress off vinted - a lot of prom dresses are really expensive and have been altered to fit, so in buying one that she cannot try on or get refunded, she's taking a huge risk that the alterations for the original owner, will not be right for her. I'd rather go to a shop and pay more but be certain it's a good fit.

She seems very free with your money and doesn't seem to care about wasting it, which is what will happen if she pays for a dress that doesn't fit, or a trip she can't go on. I think I'd want to work on that level of entitlement. To me, it's less about the money and more about her attitude to potentially wasting it!

I have just paid for DD's expensive hair colour because she did it at home and bodged it, so it needed fixing. So id probably pay for that because the hairdresser will go a better job than your dd. I'd say no to the trip because it's non refundable. If sixth form is touch and go, this is a consequence of not getting very good gcse results. This may or may not be her fault, but either way, if she wants to waste money, it should be hers that is wasted.

Re the A levels, I'd tell her that not liking the teacher is a crappy reason to not take her best subject. I'd want her to fully investigate where she can go/what she can do with the options she wants and if she's fully informed I'd leave her to it.

I think it's time she got a little job tbh and learned the value of money - she'll be less free with yours when she starts to equate that £250 with 25 hours of serving coffee in a cafe and having to clean the loos or something!

I’d let her do her chosen A levels. She can still do graphic design at uni without the A level if she wishes - as long as she is doing any creative A level. She could also look at uni courses like UX design which can lead to lucrative careers. Going halves on the prom dress is a good call. Will she suit black hair? Get an app so she can experiment and maybe offer to pay (I’m guessing it could be as much as a few hundred pounds) as a birthday present/getting good grades/doing chores - same with the school trip.

They need to get a part time job in sixth form as they are also going out and socialising more, and need more/different clothes, and may also want to go fo concerts and festivals. Expensive. Let her choose her own subjects. I'd never think of interfering in DDs' choices in this regard.

To avoid hostile I would let her decide which a'levels she wants to take - its her choice and she will be attending lessons and doing the work...Re the prom dresses have you been to any shops to try them on for size? That might help with knowing if the vinted one fits? All the other things help her find a part time job... You should let her have some control over her life otherwise the hostility will get worse