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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Daughter's unreasonable demands and unwise choices

103 replies

Smileatalltimes · 27/02/2026 18:14

I feel like I'm continually disagreeing with my 16 year old daughter and saying no to her demands, which is making her extremely hostile.
Latest examples:
Not agreeing to pay for her to have her hair dyed black at a salon.
Not agreeing to pay £250 deposit for a 6th form trip (plus subsequent payments) when we don't know at this stage if she will qualify for 6th Form.
Refusing to pay £200 for a prom dress on Vinted (might not fit).
Not supporting her A level choices. She's refusing to take her best subject, which could lead to various careers I think she'd enjoy, because she doesn't like the teacher. Instead she's selected only creative subjects which she enjoys but doesn't want to do as a career (eg: Dance & photography) this is the most serious current conflict & I could really do with some advice on how to handle!
Generally she's not a bad teen, doesn't get into much trouble at school, is fairly focused on her studies, but these (seems like daily) battles are getting me down.

OP posts:
ArcticSkua · 28/02/2026 07:57

That's ridiculous about the non refundable deposit! The school shouldn't put parents in that position.

Whydidyougothere · 28/02/2026 08:08

If she doesn't like the teacher she won't do well on the A-Level course anyway.
I had a teacher in school, when I look back now I can see it differently, but at the time I took a really strong dislike to them so I engaged as little as possible.
If she wants to stay at 6th form she should choose courses she will put max effort into, especially as A-levels are hard work.

SilverPink · 28/02/2026 10:05

Smileatalltimes · 28/02/2026 07:49

There is no option to wait until September to pay, if we don't pay the deposit now she can't go.
The subject i'd like her to do is Graphics because she's really good at it and enjoys it, but doesn't like the teacher. Instead she's chosen photography.
Her other two subjects will be one fun one based on her hobby and one academic, we agree on both of these

Edited

Even if she does photography she could still end up doing graphics at university if she chose to. A lot of Art/Creative courses just require you to have the correct number of ucas points, not necessarily have already studied that particular subject.
Regarding you speaking to the head of sixth form, unless you’ll actually be seeing them somewhere for a chat - like an open evening, say - I wouldn’t. You’ll just be seen as going behind her back. Now is the age where she has to start making decisions for herself, whether they’re good decisions or not.

I agree about the money for the trip though if there’s a good chance you’ll lose it. Could you say you’ll put it towards something else she might enjoy, a night/weekend away when she’s finished exams?

janietreemore · 28/02/2026 10:24

I would let her choose her a levels. She can always take more in future for a career change. Everything else - its your money, you can decide what you want to give for non essentials. You might tell her to earn a proportion of the costs.

Octavia64 · 28/02/2026 10:29

Graphics and photography are within a similar area.

it’s not like you are saying maths and she wants French.

teachers are usually nice to parents. They can often come across very differently to students! (And I was one for many years). Hating the teacher is not a good start.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 28/02/2026 10:33

Your purpose in life at this point is to give her information she needs to make her own decisions.
She doesn’t get to choose how to spend your money.

You don’t have to facilitate her in making mistakes just because you are her parents. Take every opportunity to discuss non immediate choices with her, so she learns to weigh up options and consider implications on subjects that aren’t emotionally important to get right now.

The time to think about the cost of special occasion clothes is when no one has skin in the game.
We did a lot of: would you rather one meal at Nando’s, or two at Wetherspoons; would you rather have a take away or go to the cinema; would you rather one expensive item that you wear twice, or two cheap items etc.
If your BFFE shoplifted in front of you, what would you do?
If you knew your sister was cheating on her BF, what would you do?
Lots of comparing. Lots of decision making. But not when it matters.

Beamur · 28/02/2026 10:40

Choosing photography over graphics is not a career changing choice.
Foundation Art encourages you to try lots of different types of creativity - specialism comes later.
Box dye until she can afford the upkeep. Black dye is pretty catastrophic any way you do it!
Dress - sounds like you have reached a compromise already

treesocks23 · 28/02/2026 10:52

Smileatalltimes · 28/02/2026 07:49

There is no option to wait until September to pay, if we don't pay the deposit now she can't go.
The subject i'd like her to do is Graphics because she's really good at it and enjoys it, but doesn't like the teacher. Instead she's chosen photography.
Her other two subjects will be one fun one based on her hobby and one academic, we agree on both of these

Edited

I wasn’t expecting you to say Graphics. I work in the creative industries and as others have said, career wise there’s not much in it. Doing photography won’t stop her doing graphics or vice Versa, there are many ways to get in to the industry. If you were saying you wanted her to take biology because she was brilliant at it and she’d regret not taking on a healthcare career in the future - that’s different. Also, careers around graphics are taking a massive hit from AI so I’m not sure it’s the wisest advice.

Hair - agree. Do it at home or pay herself
Dress - going halves is sensible.
Trip - more on the school that your daughter. That’s crazy they won’t refund if they don’t meet requirements

I have a DD a year ahead of yours. Quite a few similar arguments, I think they’re pretty standard. Some things have to be learnt by mistakes as they go!

Vivienne1000 · 28/02/2026 11:12

Unfortunately a lot of parents will pay for these things, without a second thought. So your daughter will feel hard done by, as teenagers often do. I would pay the deposit for the trip and if she doesn’t get into the 6th form, then they will refund it. The prom dress… can she do jobs for you to go towards it? I am afraid some parents spend hundreds on prom dresses.
A level choices are tricky. But like others have said, if you force her to make other choices, she will probably fail at them and blame you.
Try to stay grounded and calm, this is a really difficult time for year 11s. Keep reminding her June is in sight and then she gets a lovely long break.
if makes you feel better, these are minor stresses, we are battling much worse with our year 11s in our school. Fight clubs in the bathrooms, led by Tik Tok, drugs, vape selling, weed smoking in the toilets….so there are lots of parents feeling very anxious right now.
This time will pass and you will one day be great friends again.

thanks2 · 28/02/2026 11:15

I would ask the school re deposit ie if not get into 6th what the options are

thanks2 · 28/02/2026 11:16

Has she ever done photography before? My daughter did a level photography - look at the stats on getting good grades they are very low. It was a hard subject - she found philosophy and ethics easier.

DarkForces · 28/02/2026 11:17

Let her choose her A-levels. She's the one who has to live with her choices.

Glittertwins · 28/02/2026 11:20

ArcticSkua · 28/02/2026 07:57

That's ridiculous about the non refundable deposit! The school shouldn't put parents in that position.

I agree, have you actually asked the school about this or is it what DD has said? If the trip is related to an A level subject she wants to take and then ends up not getting admitted, they surely have to return the money? I can’t remember exactly what our school did for this now but there were a lot in her year that ended up not being accepted.
If the trip is not related to a subject she’s taking then ie more like a holiday, then she pays partly towards it.
Salon hair colour - I agreed my DD could have hers professionally highlighted at 16 as part of her birthday present. I was fully aware of the price as it is the same salon as I use.

deltapanda · 28/02/2026 11:21

While I agree with pps about giving her the choice at A Level, decades later I still now think what a shame it was to not take subjects I was good at because I didn’t like the teachers. My life might have been very different if I’d have had the confidence to put up with them and get through it.

GingerPants · 28/02/2026 11:29

The schools sounds shit with it’s no resits and trips you have to pay for before you know you have a place.

onelumporthree · 28/02/2026 11:51

I think the school is being a bit unreasonable by saying that the deposit and other payments must be paid in advance and that they refuse to give a refund to those who don't get into the 6th form and can't go. I'd be writing a letter to the school governors about that one.

A-level options - let her choose. No student is going to do well if they are forced into taking a subject they don't want to do.

Hair - say yes, and that you will both have to save up for it. You can pay half each. She can then get it done during the summer holidays.

Prom dress - let her buy it herself.

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 28/02/2026 11:54

My parents choose my a levels, i flunked all but one as I didn’t enjoy the subjects and resented them. Went back later and did the subjects I originally wanted and passed with flying colours.

Do not be that parent. Its her life, her choice not yours.

JLou08 · 28/02/2026 12:00

I think you're too controlling. 16 year olds should be making a lot of their own decisions, so long as it's not putting them at risk or impacting others. Making unwise decisions is part of growing up. Who hasn't made a mistake with their hair and clothing?
Do you even have a say in A-Level choices? I never had to sign anything to agree with my DS's subjects. They're encouraged to do their own application and attend info sessions to make an informed decision themselves.

GoldenCupsatHarvestTime · 28/02/2026 12:12

NotnowMildrid · 27/02/2026 23:24

Be very careful, you’ll lose her.

There’s always a compromise.

Let her choose her subjects. It’s not you doing them.

She’s not going to lose her daughter for refusing to shell out hundreds on hair and dresses and school trips don’t talk shite.

SilverPink · 28/02/2026 13:36

GingerPants · 28/02/2026 11:29

The schools sounds shit with it’s no resits and trips you have to pay for before you know you have a place.

Sixth forms around here don’t do resits. They’re busy teaching A Level maths, not going back over GCSE maths. You have to go to college for resits.

Insidesains · 28/02/2026 13:53

Smileatalltimes · 28/02/2026 07:49

There is no option to wait until September to pay, if we don't pay the deposit now she can't go.
The subject i'd like her to do is Graphics because she's really good at it and enjoys it, but doesn't like the teacher. Instead she's chosen photography.
Her other two subjects will be one fun one based on her hobby and one academic, we agree on both of these

Edited

The school expects parents to pay a deposit for a trip that the child may not be able to attend as the school won’t accept them for sixth form? No, that won’t be the case.

Easterbunnygettingawrapping · 28/02/2026 13:59

Surely she needs a part time job if she wants such things? ?

Insidesains · 28/02/2026 14:00

I would say yes to the hair dye cost after she’s done her GCSEs and if she revises hard.

I would say I’ll go halves on the dress

I would pay the deposit for the trip because my son’s school is doing the same but if the child is not able to return to sixth form due to results not being adequate - it is returned.

Insidesains · 28/02/2026 14:01

Easterbunnygettingawrapping · 28/02/2026 13:59

Surely she needs a part time job if she wants such things? ?

Not easy at this age

and no way would I be getting my soon to be taking gcse child to take up part time work, a few months from the start of exams

Beowolves · 28/02/2026 14:09

I’ve heard of schools asking for deposits for sixth form trips as a way of keeping pupils rather than losing them to college.
speak to school about that. See if there’s any way it can be refunded if she doesn’t get in.

hair-I would (and have!) paid for my DD as box dye results can be horrendous! But she now pays for her own from part time job.

prom dress-sounds like you’ve got a good compromise there and she can pay for alterations if necessary.

a level choices-photography is a perfectly good alternative to graphics and it’s her choice.

sounds like you’ve got a decent dd and if these are the most stresses she’s causing you then you’re doing well!