Daughter's unreasonable demands and unwise choices

[Smileatalltimes]

I feel like I'm continually disagreeing with my 16 year old daughter and saying no to her demands, which is making her extremely hostile.
Latest examples:
Not agreeing to pay for her to have her hair dyed black at a salon.
Not agreeing to pay £250 deposit for a 6th form trip (plus subsequent payments) when we don't know at this stage if she will qualify for 6th Form.
Refusing to pay £200 for a prom dress on Vinted (might not fit).
Not supporting her A level choices. She's refusing to take her best subject, which could lead to various careers I think she'd enjoy, because she doesn't like the teacher. Instead she's selected only creative subjects which she enjoys but doesn't want to do as a career (eg: Dance & photography) this is the most serious current conflict & I could really do with some advice on how to handle!
Generally she's not a bad teen, doesn't get into much trouble at school, is fairly focused on her studies, but these (seems like daily) battles are getting me down.

Guarantee that @Smileatalltimes has
Misunderstood and that the deposit will be returned if child prevented from returning to sixth form due to results

We went through almost the same with my eldest....

Black hair, yep, we let her - BUT NOT BEFORE EXAMS , as the school had a "natural hair colour" rule that didn't include 3 inch regrowth - and some kids did not do some exams due to being suspended (does your school have a strict rule? Is she suggesting it to get out of exams?). Went to our local hairdresser and it cost a lot less than 200. And she soon went off it as it required a lot of work on colouring the regrowth every 6 weeks. And I agreed to pay for the initial dye job, she had to pay for the upkeep.
Ours wasn't a prom dress, it was a concert ticket. She was being AWFUL about it, so I said no. She hated me for that for a while, but never, ever treated me that badly again.
A levels ... we approached from "what do you want to do in life?" and worked backwards. She started with "maybe teach English abroad" found what she needed for a few countries, found unis that did those courses, worked out entry requirements. Then chose English lit, music and art as she knew that if she got an A in English (regularly A*) and passed the rest, she could do the course she needed.

(She did, got a first, now doing a masters while tutoring foreign students in English... sameish job, different location...).

Let her pick her a levels.

Give her a budget for the dress
If she wants to spend more, she needs to make up the difference

I have not misunderstood the payment policy for the year 12 trip. Wording from school: "Lastly, students in current Year 11 should only apply if they intend to be on roll in Year 12, as all deposits and payments are non-refundable".
I'm waiting to find out how many payments will need to be made before the GCSE results.

So you haven’t gone back to them and enquired what happens if my child intends to be on roll but isn’t allowed back?

and how likely is it that she won’t meet the absolute minimum standard to return? Which is what?

It that says intend to i.e, if you decide not to go to sixth form you forfeit the money but I'd ask what happens if the school won't let them go. That's very different and sounds an unreasonable term to me

Exactly

it would be the first question I’d ask!

I think just talk to her like she is an adult. No raised voices, no exasperation just try to have a conversation about it all. More of a let's look at this together rather than you knowing everything, which is how she will perceive it.

@SchoolReading has excellent advice. I’ve found that the best way to talk to my two about academic decisions is to ask them to think about where they want to be in five years, even 10 years. What’s important to them-what sort of career interests them, do they want to travel, live in a different area, etc.? How are they going to achieve those goals? If her A-level choices will enable her to achieve her goals, great; if they’re unlikely to, she might want to reconsider. Ultimately it’s her choice.

I wouldn’t worry about the hair, school trip (until she’s actually at sixth form), just say that it’s a lot of money that you don’t want to spend.

I think a level choices are hugely important so I would let her dye her hair but let her do it at the local college for less and I would pay for the trip but I would expect in return a discussion of what plans she has for after a level and what subjects she needs for this.

It also sounds like she needs a job or at least an allowance she needs to earn.

I know loads won’t agree with this but if I was sure that what I would want her to choose at A level was in her best interests I’d probdbly bribe her to take that subject by agreeing to the black hair dye and Vinted dress

My parents wouldn't let me choose my GCSE or A-level options. I'm now in my 50s and haven't entirely forgiven them despite it being done with the best motives.

you are continually disagreeing. What are you agreeing on? I think you need to make a few concessions here and then have a wider discussion around expectations/getting a job/relative costs etc.

I grew up with authoritarian, restrictive parents, as did the whole generation in my country of origin.
At 24, I moved to another country and only moved my arse back briefly, when inheritance was concerned.
Just saying.
Your daughter's choices aren't dangerous or excessive, as a PP said.

Time to leave home and make your own decisions like the adult that yiu are.

Come again?

Hair - yes, as soon as school is finished, at a proper hairdresser- I used mine, as insured for that age, and she had a session first where they talked colours without me.

Dress- looks fab but say can we find one just like it but cheaper or make one? My dd was panicking like this. We made a day of wandering round a uni city vintage shops. Many many party dresses:)

A levels. Say its up her, but say you'll find it easier if she can show you the syllabus, what she likes, what she wants to do in life, how the ucas points work, life after sixth form etc etc. Do not argue or know her better:) and she can choose.

Tell her to talk to a fave teacher.

Be aware whatever you suggest will be rubbished because she will feel she isn't deciding. Step back. Be there, but not telling iyswim.

Be aware whatever you suggest will be rubbished because she will feel she isn't deciding. Step back. Be there, but not telling iyswim.

Exactly @Beesandhoney123. She makes the decision and accepts the consequences.

Agree. You need to subtly lead her to consider the consequences of her choices. But it does need to be her choice. It just needs to be her considered and calculated choice.

I think the OP is the daughter.

Nah that’s not written by a 16 year old.

There are many parents like the OP, I’ve known several of them. And constantly insisting/controlling what your kids do as they reach A Levels and university does break down the relationship in the end.

About hair... maybe offer box dye alternative.. her hair, her choice in my opinion but you are not under obligation to pay for these services... also give her the information she needs for black dye... Hart to remove from hair, she might need to cut it short, etc. But let her make her own decision. You can offer to pay for nox dye and help if she wants, but salon is put of budget and she'll have to pay herself.

Dress - any alternatives offered? I think some vinted accept returns if it doesnt fit. Not sure, you need to check.
A-levels depend very much on what she wants to do after. If she doesn't plan university or she plans one where certain A levels are not required, let her do the A levels she want. But again, sit her down. Explain consequences, what it means in the future but make it clear, it's her choice.
Sixth form trip - do you have strong reasons to believe she may not make it? Have you consulted with teachers about it? Is this the only reason you won't pay or is it out of budget... Have you spoken to school about why is deposit required before 6th form starting ? Surely there are other patents in the same situation..

I can't believe the school are insisting on a payment for a trip when children might not get the grades they need or change their minds!! Ridiculous behaviour from the school.

£200 on a Vinted dress is a lot. Can you suggest a smaller amount (say £100) and find one? I’m surprised anyone could sell one at that much on Vinted. She will need a dress! So I can see why she’s arguing with you about it but she needs to lower her price

I'm genuinely shocked a school sixth form don't allow for maths resits. It's national education policy to have them resit until they pass, and being a school sixth form, it should be a lot easier than colleges because they have Year 11s sitting their GCSEs anyway. The exam is already happening, so why wouldn't you let Year 12s/Year 13s sit and resit in the exam hall too?

Unfortunately suggesting most things to your teen daughter, no matter how good she is, will often result in a pushback somewhere. I definitely did it 🤫
Have an allowance for helping with hair salon and prom dress and at 16 she can get the part time job to top it up. If it’s the colour black you’re concerned with - you might be right to do so but often hair mistakes are have to be learned from experience 🫣 and better sooner rather than later. Encourage her to show you similar styles online beforehand to encourage conversation.
the dress could be re-Vinted but if you are paying for it give her the option of shops she can check out first - you might find £200 reasonable for a prom dress.