14 year old has a Burner phone

[GCRyan]

I now know that my 14 year old son has a burner phone.

On his “official” phone that we bought I have it locked from 10pm -7am on school days and midnight to 7 at weekends. It has blocks for gambling, porn and similar key works. He has an allocation of 4 hrs per day, with 1.5 hrs of Snapchat and 1 of TikTok. The rest mostly used on Spotify. He has loudly complained how restrictive I am vs other parents. I feel I am being generous. He has threatened getting a burner for several months and I have ignored this until I found it yesterday.

Am I really out of touch with the volume of phone usage for 14/15 year olds?

I need guidance. I expect if I just take the burner he will get another and then will be much more vigilant in its secretive usage.

Does anyone have any words of experience/wisdom to share?

I agree @GCRyan (speaking as a mum of now 20yo)

this is the window you’re entering where they want more freedom, some of it more than you’re comfortable with.

BUT YOU HAVE TO RELAX A BIT! Not all the way, but work WITH him.

the 4 hours a day is ridiculous, the curfew is a good idea as is porn and gambling blocks, but let him use the socials more,

to be worthy of trust, you have to learn to trust him, by allowing him more freedom

Four hours a day is restrictive???!
I completely disagree. At 14 I think four hours is absolutely enough.

Id be considering taking all phones off him after this and being even more strict. Where he got the phone from and his access to money is key info here

I think it’s mad some posts here are saying that he should have more access. Particularly social media - it’s been proven it’s so damaging to developing brains, at 14 he needs as little as possible- not more!

thats what puzzles me, society had books, newspapers, magazines, tv before social media and people were still influenced etc

If my child would willingly come off their social media and spend more time in the real world I’d take off the limits and leave them to it. But if it’s unrestricted she just sits on it for hours. It’s bad for her and makes her bad company so she has time limits on social media, plus a curfew. Music, podcasts, WhatsApp, bus/train ticket app, maps etc are all unrestricted all the time though!

What I’ve found is that phone usage differs depending on what else is going on. From a whole day rotting in bed because she’s poorly/exhausted (rarely)to not even an hour some days because she’s busy/not interested, to a highish amount that includes researching/actively pursuing hobbies/interests or socialising with friends. Setting an arbitrary rule of x hours , wouldn’t work for us. I care more about what she uses it for , rather than time spent.

I've looked at kids' phones at school who have been on it for 12 hours a day. Even though they are not allowed at school.

Wonder if the people thinking kids shouldn't have any restrictions on their screen time think this is ok.

No one was addicted to newspapers and books to the point they were losing concentration skills and staying up all night. Phones and apps are literally made to be addictive - the tech people behind them have stated this and also the fact they don’t allow their own children to have them.
People couldn’t be bullied by newspapers, tv, magazines and books. They weren’t feeling they were missing out compared to their peers by reading newspapers and books. All of this is damaging to adults, let alone the rapidly developing brains of children and teenagers.

For those who say she can take the limits of Spotify - I don’t know if she has any other content control on it but there is adult content on there: https://canopy.us/blog/porn-on-spotify/

Seriously? Should he be allowed on it all night?!? I’d say 10pm on a school night is lax!!

This post jumped out at me.

I think all parents would like parenting a teenager to be as simple as this, but it isn't.

Obviously phones and social media are damaging, and not just for kids..look at the moronic nonsense that is spread on this site by adults.

Problem is with teenagers, you leave them wide open to bullying and social exclusion if they don't have WhatsApp at the very least. They are clueless to modern trends and talking points.

Not letting a teenager have WhatsApp or social media would be the same as us not having a TV when we were younger. Imagine that? think of the conversations you wouldn't be involved in at school without watching TOTP or the Soaps.

Responsible usage and open communication about phone use is vital, but so is accepting that mess ups will happen

That’s ridiculous … 4 hours a day is more that enough!! Have you ever heard of homework and actually going into the real world and exercising?!?! Sat on a screen all day is not good!!

Rather than try and control my children in the way you are doing I have just actively encouraged and funded them to do lots of hobbies and social activities and we also make sure that we arrange fun things to do as a family. We make sure we have a family meal every day and that we spend time one-on-one with the children every day.

Being very controlling does this result in children going behind your back quite often I'm afraid.

Mine are generally too busy with hobbies and socializing etc to spend more than an hour a day on their phones.

Completely agree … think some of the so called parents on here are brain dead … maybe too much phone usage!

So manipulate them rather than control then … it’s the same thing 🙄 Think you’ll find controlling phone use is responsible parenting.

Key Aspects of Historical "Book Addiction"

• "Reading Fever" Panic (1700s-1800s): The rise of affordable, mass-produced novels (like Samuel Richardson’s Pamela or Goethe’s The Sorrows of Young Werther) led to a "reading craze". Critics claimed it caused people to neglect their daily duties to stay lost in stories.
• Physical and Moral Allegations: Critics and moralists warned that reading too much would damage posture, rot the mind, cause dangerous daydreaming, or lead to "moral corruption". Some doctors even claimed "reading rage" caused physical ailments like migraines, gout, and blindness, while others blamed novels for encouraging "evil" behaviors or even suicide.
• Compulsive Reading Habits: Similar to modern binge-watching, people would read everywhere—at the dinner table, in bed, and while walking in the streets.
• Pre-1700s Examples: The fear of being consumed by books is ancient. In the early 1600s, Don Quixote famously became so obsessed with reading tales of chivalry that he lost his mind.
• Similarities to Modern Concerns: The 18th-century "reading addiction" panic mirrors modern anxiety over smartphones and social media, showing a recurring societal fear of new, popular media.

The addiction is so scary, and so normalised in that generation now that he will of course feel excluded or compare himself as worse off to his friend. But doesn't make you wrong? No. I think parents who do manage and worry a out their kids phone usage will become more and more the norm, as its finally being regulated and seen as a negative addition to the social skills and mental health of young people.

No, not manipulating, just supporting them to have an active and busy life.

Personally I think the restrictions are harsh. I understand locking it on school nights though.

As a few have already commented, do you know what a burner phone is? I hope you just have your words mixed up and he has actually got a second smartphone. If it is indeed a burner, you have bigger problems than screen time.

I have to say aswell that phone limits can be unlimited, but it doesn’t mean they are on there for an unlimited amount of time. Our phone usage is unlimited but we’ve been out and about nearly every day of half-term (had the week off, couple of chill days with movies, gaming but not glued to a phone).

If the phone becomes a problem in the holidays/weekends, are people actually doing stuff with their kids or getting them out with their friends? If they are lying in bed rotting their brains all weekend, then ofcourse its a problem. 14 year olds still need parenting, guidance, going out with their friends, family days out, hobbies, exercise.

Those people saying they lie in bed for hours with the phone - it’s your house, your rules, take it off them then. Don’t let them ‘rot’ in bed with it.

I agree. 4 hours a day is mental. 4 hours of frying their brain on short reels is why kids have terrible mental health issues.

Phones are impacting learning, emotional regulation, and cognitive abilities. There are strong correlations with anxiety, depression and suicide ideation.

And until 10pm! He should be in bed well before 10pm. If he is staring at a phone all evening her won’t be sleeping.

My 16 yo has 1.5 hours a day. She has a laptop for homework. It’s plenty of time.

I wouldn’t remember your rules. How do you police 1 hour per day on TikTok for instance
Does he have to do 1 hour and then log off or can he do 10 minutes then tell you he has done 10 minutes then go on Spotify for 15 minutes then tell you he has done 15 minutes.

It does sound like you are very restrictive.

What else are you doing to make it more fun for him to be off his phone.

Ds had a phone that he rarely used unless it was texting his sister funny memes and arguing over who the favourite child is and writing comedy sketches

Dd had a phone from the age of 10 as she went to school in central London on her own and needed the phone as an emergency if she needed me to collect her or work out a route home if tube line was down.
In the beginning she was never off it. But it soon lost its shine. I never put any restrictions on it mainly because I would forget what restrictions I had said

i didn't allow my kids a mobile smart phone until college, before then they had a nokia brick that they could use for calls/texts.

At home they have tablets, laptops etc, and i didn't allow access to snapchat, insta or tiktok on them. I also have lockdown on access to 18+ websites via our internet routers shield settings.

That was the baseline. However, any website/app they want access to that is blocked, they can come talk to me and we can discuss it one to one and i listen to their arguements, they listen to mine and we talk it through.

As such i did allow DD access to to Tiktok at 15 with some very serious chats about safety and making sure it was locked down as safely as possible which she was happy with.

If you're not allowing your son space to talk your restrictions through, and space for reasonable discussion about it, then no wonder he's bought a burner phone.

Second phone? County lines?

Is that list an AI compilation?

We crucially have the data on how it all turned out with the advent of cheap books as new media and increased literacy, and it's positive overall for society. People are more well-read, education is more accessible to people of more than affluent backgrounds or the clergy etc etc. We don't have the same amount of data due to smart phones being a newish media, but the data we do have so far isn't as positive societally.

The fact remains that books, unlike social media (which is what kids are addicted to, not phone use but social media and being constantly in touch with friends) is by nature fleeting, based on fast trends and faster video media. Doom scrolling may as well be in the dictionary now as its so embedded in the vernacular. I'm guilty of it, hours in a dark room holding a newborn who contact nap got me really stuck on my phone.

Books, even those seen as frivolous, morally ambiguous, or pulp fiction at least take concentration to read, and even if their contents doesn't enrich or nourish the readers mind beyond the enjoyment they felt while reading, not being able to put down a good book because you're lost in the plot is completely different from not being able to put down a phone as you worry about streaks and are stuck in a doom scrolling.