14 year old has a Burner phone

[GCRyan]

I now know that my 14 year old son has a burner phone.

On his “official” phone that we bought I have it locked from 10pm -7am on school days and midnight to 7 at weekends. It has blocks for gambling, porn and similar key works. He has an allocation of 4 hrs per day, with 1.5 hrs of Snapchat and 1 of TikTok. The rest mostly used on Spotify. He has loudly complained how restrictive I am vs other parents. I feel I am being generous. He has threatened getting a burner for several months and I have ignored this until I found it yesterday.

Am I really out of touch with the volume of phone usage for 14/15 year olds?

I need guidance. I expect if I just take the burner he will get another and then will be much more vigilant in its secretive usage.

Does anyone have any words of experience/wisdom to share?

Where is he getting the money to buy a second phone ?

i would be worried he was involved in county lines type stuff as burner phones are given out easily for that purpose.

Where did he get the funds for a second phone?Where did he get the phone from? I think your restrictions are a bit strict, but the fact that he just went around your back rather than talking and advocating for himself is not ok. What will the consequences be for having another phone?

I think you’ve been very restrictive.

And because he lied, you are about to get stricter.

Yep I'd be worried what he's up to on that phone and I would be going through it with a fine tooth comb.

Check his bags. A friend of ds - nice boy from a nice family - was selling drug / vapes etc. There was intervention (I informed school) and he was quickly put back on the straight and narrow and is a good kid again.

My first thought was county lines.

4hrs limit a day is very restricting and should be higher /un restricted

i think the times locked are fine

By burner do you mean another smartphone or an old Nokia type? If it’s the former, he’s probably just trying to get more internet time. If it’s the latter I’d be very worried.

He would now have no phones at all if he were mine.

Why do you restrict Spotify? I grew up with record players, and while I may have been told to stop playing music before bed (the equivalent to your 10pm lock) I'd have been perplexed if I also had a limit on how many hours of music listening I was allowed per day (the equivalent of your 4 hour screentime limit, which doesn't leave much time for listening to music depending what else he's doing.)

It's pretty clear why he wants to get around your rules, he probably feels like there's no point in talking to you because you're inflexible? Ideally at this age you'd be looking to encourage internal limits rather than relying on external ones. (Yes I've a teen boy of the same age). Sometimes it's better to let them learn for themselves, or start from a point of trying to find a win-win position.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable, but it does drive it underground and then you’ve less control. Fortunately mine were quite sensible with unrestricted phone use (and amazing grades etc) but if they hadn’t been, or wouldn’t get up in the morning then i’d have put restrictions on it, as do many parents i’m sure.

I think that’s way too restrictive. Do you actually have an alarm set, your one hour on TikTok is up, log off?! The night time restrictions are fine but the rest is too much.
Regarding the burner phone, I’d also be wary it’s something like county lines.

As others have said, where did he get it from and where did he get the money for it. I'd be informing school etc because it has all the markings of county lines.

Your phone rules sound restrictive, but I also know I had a teen with zero interest in phones so each has to do what they feel works for them.

The issue is not phone use per se but that the relationship between you has broken down to some extent. He sees your phone rules as unnecessarily draconian, and that he can't talk to you about it, and hence has gone for secrecy instead (I could tell which of my DCs' friends had strict parents by mid teens, as they all had burner phones ...)

The good news is that at 14, you have time to salvage things. Rather than imposing a rule, why not work with him. Talk to him about why you want to impose rules and let him tell you why he thinks they are unfair. Chances are that you may be able to come up with a compromise that you are actually both happy with.

Are you just in the mentality of "screen=bad" and haven't actually thought about your rules? Remember some of his screen time may be taken by things you might consider of value (my DS used to read a lot of current events type commentary, for example). Why is Spotify "bad" when listening to music through a traditional device would not be? Why is Snapchat "bad" when having the same conversation with a friend in person is not?

Rather than applying strict restrictions, talk to him about how and why he uses his phone. Try not to judge! If he thinks you are judging he will go back to secrecy.

Also, think about what else he is doing with his time. If he's spending a chunk of out of school time on homework, seeing friends, and hobbies, the amount of time available for phone use reduces without you having to do anything.

4 hours a day is 28 hours a week which is nearly a full time working week - wtf?

Mine is 13 and have doesnt have a phone. I have a phone that he WA his Dad on twice a week. The rest of the time he isn’t on anything. On a Friday night he has a friend round and they play on the switch for 2 hours or 3 tops as a reward for all homework done and good behaviour that week and that’s it.

He has a laptop for school but it’s a school laptop and locked down and it’s for school work.

Why the hell does anyone need 4 hours a day on top of a full work day at school. Can you imagine the damage to a young plastic forming brain?

Nokia phones are cheap. Maybe speak to his friends parents is you know any of them and see what they do as he will be comparing it.
Have a renegotition with him about restrictions as he is determined to do what he wants anyway.

She allows a 14 year old on Snapchat. She's not restrictive.

To those who are saying "where does he get the money for a 2nd phone?", you can buy second hand smart phones extremely cheaply.

Ah, missed that bit! Also the 4 hours a day isn't particularly restrictive either is it! Sounds like you need an urgent conversation with your son.

I don't think the OP is restrictive at all. 4h per day is more than enough for a 14 year old who probably isn't allowed their phone at school. I would take the limits off Spotify entirely though; I don't get restricting music.

My first thought was county lines. Does he have the funds to buy a new phone?
Im all for your restrictions overnight (my children used to have to hand their phones over to me at 9pm and they were given them back in the morning for school) but I think you’re a bit strict with the other rules, so maybe he’s rebelled against that?

I’m presuming it’s another smartphone not a little nokia 3310 so likely not a “burner” just an old phone or an old one he’s got off a mate, I doubt he’s the next top boy.

Teens are sneaky if he wants more screen time he’ll find a way, I mean he did warn you 😂

Maybe allow him some more time on the actual apps but keep the restrictions in place at nighttime?

Music, talking to friends, arranging meet ups, listening to podcasts, revision , homework, reading, fun etc.

This is crazy and the reason young people are so messed up.

My ds15 has no restrictions on phone usage but also has no social media (apart from WhatsApp) and mainly plays music/podcasts on there. As another poster asked - why are you restricting Spotify but allowing things like snap chat and Tik Tik?