14 year old has a Burner phone

[GCRyan]

I now know that my 14 year old son has a burner phone.

On his “official” phone that we bought I have it locked from 10pm -7am on school days and midnight to 7 at weekends. It has blocks for gambling, porn and similar key works. He has an allocation of 4 hrs per day, with 1.5 hrs of Snapchat and 1 of TikTok. The rest mostly used on Spotify. He has loudly complained how restrictive I am vs other parents. I feel I am being generous. He has threatened getting a burner for several months and I have ignored this until I found it yesterday.

Am I really out of touch with the volume of phone usage for 14/15 year olds?

I need guidance. I expect if I just take the burner he will get another and then will be much more vigilant in its secretive usage.

Does anyone have any words of experience/wisdom to share?

My 14 year old has a basic phone. No smartphone, social media or Snapchat. Has iPad at home but I can monitor usage. No devices in bedroom overnight. He has a busy social life with sports and scouts and interacts with friends there. I don’t think you sound too restrictive.

The default on Snapchat is that one-to-one messages and messages in group conversations are automatically deleted 24 hours after they have been viewed by everyone in the conversation or 31 days after the message was sent, whichever is sooner. So that may just be Snapchat doing its normal thing rather than him clearing messages.

I think 4 hours isnt much for a 14yo. My DD listens to a lot of music and does homework on her phone. At weekends I'm happy for her to be on tiktok or WhatsApp in between family time, homework, clubs and meeting friends. I'd consider extending this but keeping it locked overnight to ensure healthy sleeping patterns.

Genuinely astonishes me that any parent would be happy at their child being on TikTok. Fucking awful site and the cause of so many problems, not least reduced attention span but the absolute shit they are exposed to on there.

He is being secretive as you are being strict. Telling teenagers they can’t do something just makes them want to do it more.

At 14 he is old enough to have a reasonable conversation about limits and appropriate use and come up with a plan that is agreeable to both of you - then he doesn’t have to sneak about and lie.

Bit definitely find out for certain how he got hold of the other phone. “Friends” do not give such high value gifts at 14-15 unless there is an ulterior motive. No 14-15 year old has enough spare cash for that unless they are involved in something dodgy.

Honestly the fact a 14 year old boy has a burner phone is a huge red flag to me that hes involved in some pretty nasty business.

I'd contact police.

Good God! It's very minimal

And 4 hours a day isn't enough 😮

This depends on the young person. DS 14 cannot be given any responsibility because he can't handle it and makes terrible choices. He has ADHD.

He lied ! He would be getting nil money from me for a long time !

That's what Big Tech wants - malleable young minds, preferably addicted to their products. I think you're being responsible but unfortunately most parents are not doing what you are doing so your son feels he's being unfairly treated.
You and your husband need to sit down with him and have a serious conversation to find out where he got the burner from and what the phone history on that phone is.

Id be taking the phone away and his actual phone.

This may be what you want to believe but it's not true. Various bits of research have found over and over again that no matter the addiction, setting firm boundaries benefits the child. Teens whose parents are cool with a bit of weed are more likely to end up using cocaine. Teens who are allowed free access to alcohol are more likely to become problem drinkers. Teens who have no curfew or parents checking where they are, are more likely to become involved in county lines. Teens who have unrestricted access to the internet are more likely to access highly problematic content (suicide, drugs, porn). This has been proven so many times and yet the idea that giving Teens freedom to experiment will somehow protect them persists - nope, it just means they up the stakes when they decide to rebel and the bad stuff is more likely to escalate.

I am baffled that you haven’t removed his phone, the burner phone and all monetary means to acquire another one.

He is your child not your friend. Parent him.

You read your son’s Snapchat? Im sorry but please, please listen the grip on him. He’s probably the laughing stock of his mates too.

Yes but that is 1 teen. Obviously not every teen is failing and struggling. But if you look on a population and national level anxiety and mental health problems have rocketed in this age group. University student services are at breaking point - the problems start earlier and are more severe. Suicide is a big risk.

Describing OP as a super strict parent isnt fair and it could undermine her parenting and her boundaries, which are so important.
I read something last year that said kids today need more supervision online and less supervision in real life. It's become the opposite and that's really unhealthy. As a teacher I have seen the result of unlimited screens and it's not good. It's getting worse year on year (upper primary).

If you google affect of parental permissiveness there's loads to show that actually being the "my son is gonna be cool and do what he likes" parent isn't helpful

If school bans phones not so restrictive.

Why would they be laughing at him? And any responsible parent should be checking their kid’s phone. Not necessarily read every single message, but enough to be aware of what’s going on.

DS 18's mental health issues were caused by school and himself putting pressure on him. He has perfectionist anxiety, which is apparently very common in ex-GAT children.

What?! This seems an insane amount of time to waste on a phone!

If needed they uee the family computer for homework no problem. Early teens atm so mostly done directly into the school book.
Will keep adapting as they age...

1 hour is accounted for accessing school bus pass, adding homework etc while in school, 5 mins per lesson max.
The other 1 hour is for fun...
(However we dont have til tok, Snapchat etc, just wattsapp for friends & YouTube with age restrictions).
Learning as we go....

How does he hear the road if he's listening to music whilst cycling? So dangerous!