14 year old has a Burner phone

[GCRyan]

I now know that my 14 year old son has a burner phone.

On his “official” phone that we bought I have it locked from 10pm -7am on school days and midnight to 7 at weekends. It has blocks for gambling, porn and similar key works. He has an allocation of 4 hrs per day, with 1.5 hrs of Snapchat and 1 of TikTok. The rest mostly used on Spotify. He has loudly complained how restrictive I am vs other parents. I feel I am being generous. He has threatened getting a burner for several months and I have ignored this until I found it yesterday.

Am I really out of touch with the volume of phone usage for 14/15 year olds?

I need guidance. I expect if I just take the burner he will get another and then will be much more vigilant in its secretive usage.

Does anyone have any words of experience/wisdom to share?

This thread can easily be derailed if people start comparing bedtimes 🙈

I once mentioned my 11 year old happily goes to bed between 7.30/8pm and sleeps till 6am (he sets his alarm for this time on a school day) and it was as if i’d mentioned child cruelty! 😂

10pm is late for alot of children at 14 as the secondary buses leave so early. Our local ones leave anywhere between 7 and 8 depending on school so lots of kids up at 6 to get ready, walk to the bus. By 10pm, my 14 year old is knackered so we aim for between 9 and 9.30pm. It will be 10pm in Summer when its hot and light though.

I dont have any restructions on the phone but I do have house rules. No phones after dinner on a school night. If they want to break that, they will lose their phone. Simple.

So my 18 year old DS, who had the same restrictions as my 14 year old does now, none except no phone from 10pm - 8am on school days, is studying to be an aerospace engineer. Did he "wire his brain to be an idiot"?

And that wasn’t what I said, homework isn’t all on screen, socialising and SM is a part of life and at 14, there needs to be some leeway.

try and control a 14yo by force and rules and this is what you get.

i am through this and out the other side. All those in the thick of it have no perspective on this.

you need to gain trust, not restrict, they need to fulfill their own responsibilities like homework and if they have other interests and pursuits they won’t need or have opportunity for additional time on screen, but the perception they will have is negative because they don’t have it.

like when my OH takes my car because his is in the garage or whatever, do I need to go out that day? No, am I anxious because I can’t? You bet.

Time and time again we are being told about teens and increasing mental health, low cognitive function and addiction caused by phones. You are absolutely not being too restrictive OP and the rest of the UK will cotton on eventually about how we are doing a massive disservice to young people by not restricting phone use.

The burner phone definitely makes me think county lines too.

He is already clearing Snapchat texts between his immediate friends. That’s the secretive part that is bothering me. I worry about the unrestricted access to the internet, porn, gambling and just being plain tired in the morning.

Do you think he could be worried about swearing knowing your checking it? My Sons friendship group are such lovely boys (academically alot in top groups - I know thats not the be all and end all but they are kids that work hard at school) and i’ve seen some pretty awful choice of words in messages (the ones I know, all polite boys in person).

He could be clearing them as doesn’t want you to see language he’s used with mates. Have a chat with him. I wouldn’t jump to such serious conclusions straight away.

It’s his job to push boundaries

its your job to take the time to connect with him to find out what more he needs and work with him to achieve it.

my son got sneaky around 15yo because I was strict. We had a conversation (well a bit of a blow up tbh) and talked it out

you have to get them to negotiate trust

as I said in another reply, my oh will borrow my car sometimes when his is elsewhere. Do i need to go out? Nope. Does it make me anxious and irritated that I can’t? Absolutely

you absolutely can pull this round. He sounds like a good kid. Find out what he’s not able to do now that won’t be too contentious and give him more responsibility.

he might not even use the phone any more time but just won’t feel suppressed etc.

get him back inside however you can. It’s worth it. We had a tough time 14-16 (Covid didn’t help) but now he’s 20 he’s an absolute delight, at Uni, working at weekends, saving up for things he wants etc.

Snapchap clears messages by default. You have to actively 'save' messages if you don't want them deleted

Did you put these rules in place because he needs them and it’s something you can strongly believe in (and you can argue and defend) and model yourself, or because it’s “what should be done”/ an arbitrary limit?

People who don't limit their kids' usage will always come on here claiming you are too strict and it will be your fault your DS won't speak to you in a few years time... they are only trying to justify their way of parenting. Four hours a day is an awful lot already and he has Snapchat and TikTok, which many won't allow (A friend in the defence instrustry told me to stay well clear of TikTok and I dont allow Snapchat due to the disappearing messages). You can't dismiss the possibility of county lines though, you'd be surprised, the gifts and money are less noticeable with more middle class kids who dont really need the money so nowadays they are often the targets. Can you get hold of the burner phone without your son noticing? I would check what is going on on there. I know many will disagree, but he's your son, not your mate, it's your job to ensure he is safe. Once youre reassured it's not that, sit him down and ask why he needs it so much. At the end of the day all kids are different. If his mates spend 6 hours a day chatting on snapchat about games or whatever, i can understand the fomo, even the teasing that he cant participate because his mum limits his internet. Then I'd negotiate less time on tiktok and more on snapchat or whatsapp instead. If it's just for doom scrolling, then i would not budge.

If he's keeping up with his school work, instrument and sports why be so strict with him?
If he ever slips the consequences could be removing the phone. When do you plan on loosening the reins?

They don’t need screen time to listen to music, when listening to spotify it’s on in the background of the phone and doesn’t eat up screen time.

Tbf I don't think you're restrictive at all! 4 hours a day is more than enough for a 14 year old! However, to prevent him going behind your back again, maybe try and have an open mind and an open conversation and come up with screen time limits together.

Thank you to all who contributed an opinion and especially to the ones who have shared their war wounds. Truly I appreciate all feedback and will work on rebuilding the relationship and better lines of communication.

I think 4 hours a day is a realistic limit. Well done to OP for taking some responsibility.

I think that I have an easy solution for you (if it's what isn't being done already). Get a modern style wifi router which allows for parental controls. If he has a spare phone, what is the chance that it isn't connected to your wifi for all of his activities? That will allow you to block what you need to, and for him to not know that you know he has another phone. You can also set time limits on that. If he has another phone and isn't connecting to the internet, he has a very generous friend to buy a phone and pay his bills.

Hi I have a 14 year old daughter - she is at dance 3 nights a week, netball training weekly and games most weekends and also plays a musical instrument. I wouldn’t have such stringent controls on her phone tbh I abhor Snapchat but have realised that all teenager use, we have an agreement that I also have it downloaded on my phone and I can log into her account any time if I’m concerned . She gives me no reason to be concerned and so I have seldom had need to check. I think you need to have an open and honest conversation with your son and listen to his viewpoint and try to compromise ! I don’t have any controls on my daughter’s phone as long as she has balance in her life. She is busy with after school clubs and her homework is always completed on time to a high standard. Good luck!

Good on your OP - you are doing your child a favour by restricting usage and should be congratulated. I think the open conversation is the way forward to find a solution you're both happy with but don't cave - I work in a secondary school and a large % of issues involving students are related to social media, inappropriate usage of phone etc.

My eldest is a year younger then yours, his phone goes off at 9.00pm on a school night and switches back on at 6.30am in the morning and goes off at 10pm on a weekend.
He doesn’t have snap chat or any social media. He uses his headset to talk to his friends when gaming or speaks to them in the evening on WhatsApp.
He has an Alexa in his room that he can play whatever music he wants and doesn’t moan too much about the restrictions I’ve put on it… Apparently all his friends have unrestricted phones and can do whatever they want but I find that unlikely… Their phones even have to be locked into pouches at the start of the school day because research has shown how detrimental they can be be so school has a O tolerance on phones in school hours, their pouches are unlocked in tutor time at the end of the day.
I would be more concerned that your son has either borrowed money from a friend to purchase it, even if a simple one. How is he paying to use it, is it a sim only top up, if so where is the money coming from to keep it active?

Well done for restricting the time he can use his phone. No he has gone behind your back it is time to sit him down and explain that you are cancelling his contract and will be buying him a pay as you sim and he will have to earn the money for it.
For those saying 4 hours a day is not enough, if he sleeps 8 hours a day that leaves 16 hours awake, 4 hours phone use is a quarter of his day, is that not long enough to be on a phone? How many hours a day are you scrolling through nonsense on your phone if you think 4 hours is harsh? What a waste of a life.

Weekends and holidays exist too. As do chill/poorly/tired days.

What? 🤣🤣 maybe if your child wasn’t so reliant on a phone they wouldn’t feel anxious without it!! And have you ever heard of a bus … or walking?!?

Ok 🙄🤣

"Am I really out of touch with the volume of phone usage for 14/15 year olds?"

I would say yes but every parent has a choice to raise kids how they want and I find the more restrictive you are compared to other kids' households, you kid will find ways to bypass your rule in a way that is more harmful or they will just hate to be around you.

Super strict parents make secretive children. I was one.
OP needs a proper talk with her son, which includes listening on both sides.