14 year old has a Burner phone

[GCRyan]

I now know that my 14 year old son has a burner phone.

On his “official” phone that we bought I have it locked from 10pm -7am on school days and midnight to 7 at weekends. It has blocks for gambling, porn and similar key works. He has an allocation of 4 hrs per day, with 1.5 hrs of Snapchat and 1 of TikTok. The rest mostly used on Spotify. He has loudly complained how restrictive I am vs other parents. I feel I am being generous. He has threatened getting a burner for several months and I have ignored this until I found it yesterday.

Am I really out of touch with the volume of phone usage for 14/15 year olds?

I need guidance. I expect if I just take the burner he will get another and then will be much more vigilant in its secretive usage.

Does anyone have any words of experience/wisdom to share?

Yes its totally rubbish. Ive come to realise that all these companies are the same. They have no moral and dont give a damn about children and safeguarding.

My 14 year old doesn't feel the need for a burner phone so....

Omg you can turn off YouTube shorts now?! How??

How long do you plan to do this? At 16 he should have total control of his phone so you'll need to gradually increase what he's allowed to do.

You need to discuss with him what the repercussions of accessing more adult content are.

Clearly he's found a way round your restrictions because you are being very strict.

Nor does mine, nor do most teens who have sensible parental restrictions. Because too much screen time is detrimental, whether you like it or not.
Some of us aren’t trying to be the cool mum, we’re trying to do what’s best for our children.

Really?

Most schools now don't allow phone use on the premises. So if he's at school until 3:30ish and in bed by 10:30, and assuming minimal use of his phone before school (because he's a teen and probably doesn't get up early enough), then he has seven hours a day between school and bed in which to eat, do sports, do his homework, shower etc...and over half of that time could be spent on his phone!

I think OP has been very generous!

Cool mum 😎 you can be a good mum and not suffocate your kids you can put restrictions without them trying to rebel its how you do it

You sound like an abusive parent. A 50+ or 60+ abusive parent.

Your behaviour has enabled him to do something potentially unsafe such as having money and a burner phone that he shouldn't

4 hours a day is hardly suffocating! If they’re at school all day then it actually means the majority of their evening spent on their phone. Too much screen time is detrimental, so it’s in their interests. Many children (of whatever age) would prefer to live on a diet of pizza and chocolate ice cream with no vegetables. As parents we don’t allow it because it’s not what’s best for them. It’s the same with phone restrictions.
But you go ahead and allow your teen as much time as they want, not caring about damage to their developing brain and the kind of material they may be looking at.

Hello isnt allowed his phone at school he doesn't spend all evening on it his choice his homework is on there. I trust him so i don't need to lock it i check his phone regularly we have family link I can see what he downloads. Do you really think 14 year old boys don't find porn in other places you are so naive its about teaching them that porn isnt real and can be harmful. Too strict you'll lose them like the op their child felt the need to get a burner phone which could have been avoided

You stated that 4 hours is restrictive - it’s not.

Yes we talk to our son about porn, we’re not naive as much as you seem to think so, with absolutely no evidence. Also concern about what they’re looking at isn’t restricted to sexual stuff, it’s all sorts of damaging messages.

You can do both.

As a teacher and one who deals a lot with safeguarding you need to be more worried about county lines!

Trust me when I say this, the stricter parents always end up being the ones shocked when they find out their kid has a ton of secrets they never knew about. As much as you genuinely believe in your own head you know everything and have full control of your kid, all you’re doing is making him resent you. He will break free any time soon over the next couple of years if he hasn’t already that you don’t know about. Whether he’s already secretly doing this or will in the future, it will happen. Unless of course he’s a totally nerdy oddball geek who’s immature for his age because you baby him, then maybe you may get a lot longer than normal but if he’s your typical football playing, gaming 13 year old lad with loads of mates then you’re only fooling yourself, sorry. You’ll likely come back saying never happen, but you will most likely eat your words some day soon.

Why is OP abusive? She is just trying to restrict her DS's screentime, to a not-unreasonable amount. Most experts in this field agree that 14-year-olds should have restrictions in place.

When people use highly emotive terms like "abusive parent" when it really isn't warranted, it actually weakens and devalues the term for people who do need it.

No restrictions on phone usage however my Son is very happy doing outdoor activities at the weekend, happy out with us etc and have no issue him using it out with friends. They are banned at our school (you can only have them for travelling to school and have no issue with using it on the school bus) but not allowed to be seen for the whole school day.

I believe in trust and being as open as possible rather than restrictions. We do get notified of transactions on our sons bank account as he makes his own purchases (often buys from Amazon with his pocket money/xmas money etc) and didn’t want him getting scammed on any sites (difficult to tell at 14 if its a reliable site to buy from). You must have set up his bank account so surely you would know if he had used a gambling site?

I’d go down the route of building trust, ensuring he gets out lots with family, friends, coming up to the age of a weekend job etc and then having a phone isn’t an issue. It is an issue when that’s all they are doing.

A burner phone sounds very underworld. What he’s actually done is probably borrowed a mates old phone and is using that. It’ll just be so he can use it on your wifi at home to be in touch with his mates.
Im not saying what he has done is right and every family has their own rules but he’s 14. Most of his mates are probably In touch with each other out of school on social media, he may even have a boy/girl friend who he wants to keep in touch with after school and you are denying him of this.
Hes a teenager and although it’s hard to accept he’s growing up, he also isn’t a baby anymore and wants to fit in. High school is tough enough without the added pressure of not being kept in his friend group loop.
Cut him some slack and let him relax in an evening. They work hard at school! He deserves some wind down time and fun, especially if he’s stuck in all the time.
I agree about taking the phone off him at night time because they need their rest but let him have some down time and be able to keep in touch with his friends. That’s probably all he wants it for!

Naive is thinking you’ve full control of your kid and they’re hiding nothing from you. Just watch this space, I’ve seen it all from the strict parents who think they’ve a handle on things 😂

Do you actually know what a burner phone is? As if he has one, I think you have bigger issues than screen time

The only restriction on my DS 14 is phone downstairs between 10 at night and 8 in the morning on schooldays. His carers regularly check his activity.

I have a son the same age and think your limits are fine and similar to ours. In fact you're more generous as my son isn't allowed Tiktok at all. I've noticed that phone use is really starting to be divided along wealth/class lines. My poshest friends are the strictest about phone use (several have said no smartphone before 16). I'd wonder where your son is getting money for a phone though? Mine have access to cash for the odd sneaky mcdonalds without me knowing, but their debit card is linked to my account so I can see any big amounts coming in and out. I don't agree that teens are small adults. They need independence but they also need to know that you still love and care about them and that they can still expect to be parented and have boundaries. I don't want my 14 year old watching hardcore porn.

And before someone says "you just don't know what he's up to" i do also make sure he can talk to me - like the time he was using an AI chat bot that had been misclassified and was actually doing sexual stuff - and he came to me and confessed he didn't think he should have it.

Strict parents create sneaky kids!! I will always go by that. He’s 14 not 8. As long as he’s doing ok at school I think it’s really unfair to restrict it. You’ve probably already lost his trust. He won’t tell you the big things because you’re reacting like this and treating him like a toddler. Sorry this isn’t true way to get through to teens.

What type of phone is it? If it’s a smartphone, where did he get the money to buy it? If it’s not a smartphone and can only call and text, I’d be questioning what he’s involved with.

I have a 14 year old DD and while I do think restrictions can be helpful, you absolutely have inflicted too many. What’s your own screen time per day? Why is Spotify included in it - he might not even be looking at the phone with that.

i dont limit DDs usage but rules are as follows

reasonable usage
if I ask to see it, I can (as she gets older this has vastly reduced as long as she is open with me due to privacy)
no bullying and if she receives any dodgy messages I’m to be made aware (this has happened)
not staying up late

I've attend and learned from 'The Parenting Puzzle's and the key thing I learned was starting to treat your young person as an adult and key family member from the time they've left primary school. Note: starting.

Your young person is 4 years away from independence and adulthood. It's important to make him part of the adult group discussing and deciding on family life and rules. Part of it is discussing the challenges you as a parent face, but also in highlighting your thoughts on your responsibility as a parent and someone who loves and wants the best for them, who is still learning and working their way through parenting.

It's using this as a base and having honest conversations without it being emotional. You have to, of course, withhold some information to be age/individual/relationship -appropriate....

Your child will be aware of porn, county lines. online bullying, etc...but having the conversation so that you learn what their lived experience is like is so important and may be the start of new phase in your relationship....