Any positive stories for those thst did badly at school but things worked out in the end?

[Biscuitqueen9636]

My son is in year 10. He absolutely HATES, HATES!!! school and eveything about it apart from being with friends.
Outside of school he is fine , follows our rules , doesn't get into trouble, has a lot of friends and is popular, he is a nice person, adults and children of all ages enjoy his company and he would make a fantastic pe teacher or something like that.
But .....he is going to fail all of his gcses and even potentially be suspended etc before then if he carries on the way he is going. He is quite a negative, insecure person, and as the years have gone on hes been put in lower and lower sets and now he is in bottom set for everything which he is embarrassed about. He genuinely finds the work difficult. Instead of knuckling down and trying his best for the last 2 years of school hes decided hes going to act the clown, not do any home work or revision and gets in to trouble everyday for messing about.
How do we help him with this situation? When we try to talk to him about it he doesnt want to listen . I know it's because hes overwhelmed and thinks hes going to fail so what's the point?
His teachers rightly so are sick of him so are not sympathetic. Plus he doesnt tell them or show them hes overwhelmed.

My other kids aren't like this and my husband and I were straight A students so find it hard to relate.
How can we help him and does he have a chance to turn this around once he leaves school?

Our youngest DD hated school and left with one GCSE as she was determined she was going into the army and ‘you don’t need qualifications to get in’
So with in a week of getting this dismal result we marched her down to the recruiting office for a reality check and a chat to the recruitment officers.
They were pretty blunt thankfully and told her the more qualified she could be the more doors would open.
We offered to sign her up there and then but she bottled out and wanted time to consider.
The reality of the situation really hit home and she opted to go to the local sixth form college to get more GCSEs and some Vocational qualifications.
Three years later she was in a stronger position and now, in her twenties, works for the M.O.D doing something she loves.
But honest to god the worry she caused us in those secondary school years was brutal, school really wasn’t for her in hindsight but everyone has to go through it.
Hang in there and just be supportive, everyone finds their groove in the end.

one of mine really struggled with school. Ultimately he refused to go. We changed his school, same thing. Services were absolutely crap. We removed him and home schooled. He decided he wanted to return (he’s incredibly bright, selective grammar at secondary with no tutoring).
He returned, same thing. Three suicide attempts. Third one was 110 tablets. No idea how he survived. Diagnosed bipolar.
Took no GCSEs. Sat maths and English in November retakes. Got 4s, had not attended school properly in secondary.
Attempted college. Disaster.
So husband who is a chef made him go to work with him. He stuck that out. Husband trained him up, did that for a few years. Lived independently.
Returned home this year, he is now 23. Quit his chef job, found a job working outdoors which he had always fancied. Loves it!!
It’s been a long hard route but he’s happy, healthy and stable.

There's some lovely stories on this thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/further_education/5484007-bouncing-back-from-poor-gcses-in-praise-of-btechs?page=2&reply=150264503

I failed the 11 + and went to a secondary modern school (1950s). I did quite well academically and got 5 GCE but never took maths and dropped it age 14. The fact that the maths teacher picked on me had somethig to do with that. I was never disruptive in class and mostly followed the rules although I did tend to answer back. Years later I went to uni as a mature student. I got a place at an RG uni (blagged having maths and was never asked for a certificate). Still managed to get a 1st in psychology followed by a masters and doctorate in human computer interaction. Had a 10 year career as an academic before I retired. I now do private tutoring at post graduate level.

@anrom1969 How unfortunate you know nothing about HE, FE and what you can and cannot do if you dsil exams! The op is worried but unfortunately times have changed and it cannot really be sugar coated and I think op knows this. He could start a business but I’d very much recommend he does some work to see if he engages with that.

So myself and my OH are a totally different ends of the academic spectrum. I went to a very prestigious grammar school, did A-levels, degree and a PhD. Now in a very mediocre job. OH didn't get any GCSE's, despised school, and ended up in the trade world. He now out earns me by quite an extent and he loves his job.

Oh,it's such a worry.
I think my d's 18 is finally settling after some terrible years of getting in with a crowd who do drugs,depression and self harm.
He has been a pot washer for three years,part time. Managed to do one year at college doing plumbing level 2 but absolutely no apprenticeships in a thirty miles radius( not sure he could cope with one anyway) so is now working at,the restaurant full time. He helps the chefs and brings home about 330 a week.
he couldn't cope with driving,wouldn't revise the theory and was pretty suicidal last year but I got him a moped and he passed his CBT course so can now commute.
There's quite a few kids in my village who have not gone to college at 16 ,apart from one I know,they all want to work.All driven by money. The one who works in Mac Donalds has moved out of home and rents a place,makes the others want to work harder.

@OhDear111 I don’t know why you seem so determined to make the OP suffer when they already seem well aware of what their child is faced with.

@Biscuitqueen9636 until recently I taught in a PRU. The seriously switched off and disengaged. No it’s not the easy route to college and success and it may mean repeating exams and starting at the bottom but there will be a route. Your son sounds well rounded but switched off. I now work in an sen school and the important difference is that they are not forced to do six GCSE’s. They sit functional skills in maths and English and have a sixth form to progress too. They end up at college later. More prepared and tailored to their strengths.

I would try and get him to see a goal. That school is a pathway. But at the end of the day it’s down to him. He might need Macdonalds for a year and minimum wage part time work to refocus him or education might be something he goes back to. It’s not the end of the world :)

My DD was an absolute swine at school. She cried on GCSE results day, with me just sat there thinking (silently) “what did you expect”. Like you OP, we had tried to support her but ultimately school just isn’t for everyone. You need to find something he loves and then he will find not only his kind of people, but a common interest. My DD wanted a hairdressing apprenticeship but even those require a grade 4 in maths and English so that was a non-starter. I was worried about college as if she didn’t like school, why would that be any different? But she has absolutely flourished in college. It’s like she’s a different person. We’ve had zero behavioural issues and her work ethic amazes all of us. She’s constantly handing out her CV, doing unpaid trials, she volunteers to improve her confidence. So please don’t panic. What I would say though, is whilst he might appear outwardly happy, perhaps school is getting him down. Perhaps a chat about his mental health might be something you could think about?

@stomachamelon Suffer!! FGS. What is the point of talking about A levels etc (as others have) when she thinks he will fail GCSEs! People seem to have no idea that no exams leads to a real issues and I agree with the op about her concerns. What people did 30 years ago is largely irrelevant. It’s far far better to look at vocations and he’s already at a vocational school and they aren’t known for academics.

@Biscuitqueen9636 I’m truly not trying to upset you. However there’s a pragmatic way of looking at this. You might be clutching at straws regarding what he can do and people posting might be full of wonderful stories, but he’s who he is. He’s not them. However few great careers happen at 16 with not a GCSE to your name. So I’m looking at the here and now. What can he, and you, do now? He can improve of course but I agree you need to look at vocations and maybe further study to get some functional skills. I don’t believe I’m far off what some others are saying.

Has he had careers advice? You could pay for a Morrisby test to give ideas of careers. One dc I know is a stone mason. Another is working in the building trade. He can certainly work in MacDonalds - what about catering? Look at what are shortage areas - working in a care home?

I had a baby which kind of scuppered my exam revision and meant I never got to Uni.

Have managed fine with learning and qualifying as I went along. Currently a middle manager as I don't have any interest in moving up to the next level that requires 24/7 commitment.

Paid my mortgage off in my 40's, switched to making large pension payments and hoping to retire at 57 😃.

My oldest nephew really struggled at school. He’s got ADHD and found concentration impossible, and his behaviour was terrible. He left as soon as he could and got an apprenticeship in a public service organisation where he did really well, then with that on his CV went into a job in a another field where he found his niche and did brilliantly. Essentially, he’s now 28 and earns way more than I do (I’m 49 and have a degree), owns a flat in the UK that he rents out, and has lived in three different countries which he loves.

Both my 2 were lucky and found their absolute passions early in life, they did vocational 6th form. DD is AuADHD, had a terrible time at school, absolutely hated it. But looks like she will come out of year 13 this year with equivalent of 3 A* at A level (because she is passionate about her course, an extended Diploma L3 )
She was totally overwhelmed academically at school, and socially had problems. Do you think your DS could be neurodiverse, and cannot focus on subjects he's not interested in, or maybe gets overwhelmed? My Dd has been on meds for ADHD for 2 years now and it's changed everything. She is more focused, able to cope and is less overwhelmed.

You need to educate yourself first and open your mind.

Firstly, if you’ve tried all the standard approaches and they’re not working it’s likely you don’t have a standard kid. He could be neurodivergent or learn/ feel comfortable in a different environment. Learning can only happen when all the other, more basic, needs are met. Social comfort, sensory comfort, emotional comfort. It’s not about intelligence, though obviously everyone has areas they are more drawn to. Look into all these needs and neurodiversity before you write him off. Forget reacting to his behaviour, try to unpick it with curiosity. Behaviour is communication.

Secondly, it is never too late and there is always a way. Obviously to keep options open he needs maths and English and science. Focus on those, forget everything else. If he gets those he can do a college course after GCSEs and never set foot in a school again. Lots of colleges let you resit these subjects alongside other subjects.

you need to think outside the box. Can he reduce his timetable or quit school altogether? Home Ed kids often do GCSEs gradually and do other stuff alongside that are more in line with their interests. Take ownership of his education as a family, there is a lot of options out there so there’s no reason he can’t achieve in his own way

Yes. My brother and one of my brothers in law.

School did not work for either, for different reasons. Both happy, working, successful, good at what at what they do and tbh, both lovely.

The big problem is finding the opening to allow dc to work at anything now if they don’t have exams. It’s far more challenging than it was.

It will make no odds regarding a diagnosis either, not that I believe that’s the correct way forward. Although op hasn’t said what his sats results were. What difference will some diagnosis make to employers? Other than possibly look elsewhere because they can.

He really wants his future on his terms and he might need quite a long time to work out how best to get it. However we have vast numbers of NEETs who don’t work out much at all. I truly hope a lightbulb moment occurs - possibly when he sees friends fully engaged and they leave him behind.

Ben Fogle: 'I didn't fail school, school failed me.'

Surely there’s a big age gap and you’re only earning below your brother because you’re just starting? Can’t doctors earn a quarter of a million?

My husband. Flunked school, didn't get a single qualification. Drug taking and risky behaviour as a teen. Got an apprenticeship as a blacksmith in a farming country and spent 30% of his time on the fields working crops as well.

Joined the Royal Navy aged 18 and never looked back. Recently retired after 25+yrs, now back at sea in the merchant navy. Has 6 GCSEs, a couple of A level equivalents and has trained half the Navy to drive a boat in the last decade so knows a insane number of people. Literally can't go anywhere 😂

DD1 thrived in primary school as it was a small school, but when she went up to secondary the shit hit the fan within months. We eventually got a diagnosis of ADHD but the truth was that she just couldn't cope with the school environment. We took her out in year 9 because the stress was just too much for her and us. We home educated with a tutor and using Kip McGrath for maths/english, and she went to the local college for a year at 16 to get some basic exam qualifications. She found a job in a local factory, then worked as a cleaner before having her DC.

She's now at university as a mature student in her last few months of midwifery training. She did an access course first, so it's been nearly 4 years of education for her - and she's absolutely thriving. She got the student of the year award at the end of her 2nd year. I'm so proud of her, my heart hurts at times.... but those teenage years were incredibly tough and I cried myself to sleep many nights thinking she had little future. How very wrong I was.

An old friend had undiagnosed ADHD back in the 1980s and was the class clown at school, could never sit still or complete an exam paper.

He made his first million by age 25 in property development as couldn't stop working! Now a multi millionaire. Xxx

My DS is bright but has ADHD. He really hated school. He got a job as a drivers mate with DHL. They paid for him to do his lorry driving class 2 course and test. He passed because he likes being in different places each day. After 3 years he did his class 1 driving course and passed. He moved to another city, where housing is cheaper and bought a house and is still working as a class 1 driver. I'm very happy for him because at one point I was worried he would never find a job with only qualifications in ICT.

My daughter didn't do that well in her GCSEs and didn't take any A levels. She started off in a cleaning job in a bank, saw an admin job advertised on a noticeboard there, had to go to an assessment centre for a maths test as she didn't have the required grade, but got the job. She then moved to another city to work for the same bank as was made redundant at the first bank, was made redundant again but got a job at a Merchant bank. She has since studied hard and been promoted several times, she is now managing her own department.

She was never incapable of learning... Just not interested at the time.

My suggestion based on experience would be to give him choices, eg to leave school if he would prefer that. May be consider home schooling, an apprenticeship or just time out until he decides what he wants to do. Keep stress low. Don't worry it will work out in the end.

I new loads of kids that hated school some just could not deal with it others could not settle in it some didnt see the point in it.

One lad i know hated it from day one of nursery, by 14 he had left school.
He could read wright, but just hated how teachers taught stuff he had no interest in.
Hes now been in the army for the past 20 years and loves it hes been all over the world.

Another one was a family member she hated school end of, she walked out at 13 and never went back, she started a course by chance at 17, and shes been a nurse for the past 28 year.